Updates Updates

Hi all. I had the surgery as planned on 1/18/08. It sucked. I was in tons of pain. They found 15 spots of endo on my uterus/rectum area and 1 large spot on the uterus. So yeah that is where that pain came from. Coming home from it was a nightmare bc i was in so much pain. The meds did nothing at all. It just plain hurt bad. I went back to work on the following tuesday and let me say OUCH!

I am offically in the 2ww. My monitor never picked up a high reading or anything but i was listening to my bod and it said it was about to O. lol. So i went and got some opk's and what would you know.. big fat +. So i baby danced the day bf and the day after. So one can only hope right.

Oh i went and seen my pcp on monday. She ordered RPL testing. (recurrent pg loss) I am not exactly how i want to feel about it. In one way i want an answer then in another one i am not so sure. kwim. So now i am also waiting the answer on that too. In the mean time i am taking baby aspirin. Just in case.

So today is one of those blah days. I just miss my angels. I feel like there is no end to this road. kwim. I went to the gyn today bc one of my stitches busted. he revealed to me that i had a severe case of it. Like really bad. With the severity of it.. A hysto may not cure it when and if i do get pg and have another child. I am just really bummed. I know it will end. And this emotional phase will pass. This just sucks. I never thought i would ever have to experience this.
alisha

Wednesday's ramblings!

Hello to anyone that reads this. Hope all is having a wonderful week so far. So the update of sorts is that i am having my surgery this friday at 2:45. I have to check in at 12:45. I am very nervous about this. Part of me thinks that this may be the answer to the questions and problems that i am having. But another part of me thinks that this is not the answer. I dunno. I guess i just have to leave it up to God and see what happens.
My dh is being so supper supportive right now. He knows how i feel about all of this and is just kinda going with me in everything that i do. I keep wanting to get a second opinon about the length of my cycles. To see if something could be causing a problem. I have read that many of women have gone on Clomid to help these issues and my ob is totally against this. I just dont get it. Kwim. Hello he obviously admits that i have an issue but it is not BIG enough for him to want to tinker with. THANKS ALOT! So i go to my pcp on jan 28th and i am going to consult with her and see if i can get a referral for a second opinon. I feel bad but i just feel like i have an under lining issue. But what do i know.
Lately i have been asking myself if i really need this operation also. And a few hours ago my body let me know that yes alisha you need to go thru this. I am in alot of pain right now! This sucks! :( i am so ready to just be pg again. I am really missing angel right now too. ugh. I feel like if i never had him taken away i would not have to go through this crap! i just want my baby back! :( Any who. That is about the jist of this situation. thanks to whoever reads my post. I hope in february i can post about a +hpt! :)
alisha

Lost another one!

So this morning i was waken from a horrible dream with cramps and a low temp. I went to the potty and poas and it was very very faint +. Then i wiped and bright red blood. Lots of it! So then i knew that my angel had went to heaven yet again! My dream sucked. I had a dream that i had this baby girl she was so beautiful. We named her madaline grace.. she was very sick and i just remember fighting to keep her but was told no that she needed to go home. so we dressed her in a really pretty dress and let her go. I feel like iam a failure. WTH is this happening. I dont get it at all. I am so hurt and pissed. I thought for sure this one would stay with us. We did not tell many people at all so i dont have to go untell people. But my heart just aches. I am so pissed. I want to just hide in my little hole.


A little piece to add to this that i forgot to add.... I went to the er after writing this post bc someone on the board suggested i do so. Well i went and it was horrible. But they did confirm that i lost the baby. In fact i passed the tissue when i had my cervix checked. The doc was really nice and compassionate. But yeah.. I will write more later on that experience.
Alisha

Need some prayers!

Hi all. I am asking whoever reads this for tons of ppt. I found out New Year's Eve that i am pg again. I found out on 8dpo. Well I called the doc today and my beta at 10 dpo is 19. Scares the living crap out of me. That is really low. I am so scared of everything. Chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. I should have just went with my gut feeling and waited until my annual exam on the 9th to tell them i was pg. Why oh why do i not listen to myself. So now i am going to sit here and worry like crap. Well i am really not going to try but you know how it goes. I have no control over this so i am going to just try and relax. But that is easier said than done. I really want a baby. I want to be able to hold a baby in 9mths. There are so many feelings i have right now. I am just so freaking nervous. ERH! Anywho. Thanks so much.
alisha