The wicked witch is here!

hello all. the wicked witch is here! i cant believe she visited me! we gave it a descent shot but i knew in the back of my mind that it might now happen! I just have this huge void in my heart. I want to hold another baby in my arms. I want that bond that i got to have with my two other girls. but yeah. i was just heart broken when the stupid witch showed. The only thing good that came out of it is we have somewhere to work from.

Just some rambling.

hi all. Today is a wonderful day outside. Cool but not cold. Today i almost feel lost and out of sorts. I feel like i am missing something. You know like when you go on vacation and leave something at home and have duh moment. Yeah i am constantly feeling like duh i am missing something. I just miss my angel tons. I keep thinking i am supposed to hear the hb this week! But yeah i know it wont happen but you know.
Then i have been having these crazy dreams. Like one of them was someone was having twins and went for their u/s and i could see the u/s so clearly and it was like a 3D one. KWIM?! Right bf i got pg with Angel i had a dream that i was pg and my edd was may 8th. My real edd was May 4th. It was very crazy. I do have some preminisions and have had dreams when my cousins get preggo. Then bam end up preggo. So i am just wondering if it is going to be and Lord if it is could you please make sure i get to hold my babies and they are healthy. (besides that Lord, if i may get a lil greedy... can i PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP have a BOY?!) I mean in the bible you say be specific so i am! So yeah i am just wondering who in my family will have the twins. As of right now my cousin and i are the only one that is "able" to have children. (or of child baring age) Any who.
Also yesterday i overheard a call about a 14-15 yro pg and EXCITED!?! okay that was an ultimate foot in the gut, punch in the eye, and knock me on the ground call. I mean hello i wanted my baby. i am in a loving relationship, think my hb is a wonderful man, love my chidren. WHY OH WHY????! So yeah it got me crying all the way home. I was just an emotional wreck. Not cool at all. Then i get home and hb looks at me like wth can i go a day without you crying. But he did comfort me and then we just spent two moments alone. Well and bd too! *wink*. He is being great through all of this. It is very hard on him knowing that he lost his child too. He wants another one ASAP.
Well hope you all have a wonderful week. Blessings to you all.
Alisha

2 week wait and my weekend!

hey there. i am sitting here about to go batty. i concurred saturday. was really depressed as that was 1 mth to the day my angel flew away. but i went and got my nails done and spent some time with the ones that care about me! then i go on fertility friend and they say that i o'd! wth! exciting but could have went my whole day and not seen that! now i am wondering did it take? could i be? PLEASE OH PLEASE LORD! but yeah going nuts over here. everything i think about is pregnancy. my hb calls and wakes me up this morning and goes how is the temp? still up at 98.0 f. so eh i dont know a damn bit about temping so i just say eh whatever. i know i will be an emotional wreck if i do get my af. oh btw did iever say ttc is not for the non-paitent people! it is a hurry up and wait thing and dear oh dear i cant do those deals!
on the flip side of things i went to a hotel with dh. it was really nice. thanks to texas roadhouse we could not eat where we wanted to. i love that place but a 2 hr wait! BS! not i (yet again i am not a paitent person!) so we went to chili's and ate there, then to the hotel. it was good. we layed there and snuggled for a bit then bd and went night night! sad you go to a hotel just to go to sleep basically! lol. then it was to home and take care of the kiddos.
saturday the 1 mth anniversary... i went to this local rest where we go all the time and we had told them i was preggers last time and the girl comes up to me says how are you doing? (in my mind i was like oh shit i dont want to do this) then she says man you look fab you dont even have a belly! i said yeah that is bc our angel went to heaven! and just started to cry. the girl felt horrible! she just went to the back for a bit. she said she was so upset! not as upset as i was! after a good night and then this! dh was kind of upset! he was really trying hard to keep my mind off of things. it is just so freaking hard! kwim! but yeah.
anywho so now iam off to go do some work. well maybe. i shall update soon!

A good day today!

Hey there. Today is a good day. I went to work and half my co-workers not there! HOORAY! Then i got on priceline and got hb and i room for tonight! Oh i am so excited... It is at a fairly descent hotel and got it CHEAP! So we are going out to dinner and then to the hotel! Oh and grandma is watching the kiddos! So it shall be fun. I just want to go for a good nights rest. ;)
Then on another note i took my temp this morning and it was good. Not getting the hopes up but it was nice. I have no idea when my o is/was and when af will be coming. Just hope for a BFP! I will be upset but not crushed if it does not happen this month. I just want it again SO bad! Well that is about that today! Enjoy!

4 weeks today!

Hello there. I am sitting here at my desk at work just thinking. (bad thing when its me. lol) I am kind of hurting right now. Yesterday for me was a whirlwind day. I had to go to the hospital and do this test. Well when i go in my xray room i notice baby conffetti on the floor. It was a blue balloon and a baby rocking horse. Wondering if that is a sign from the dear lord up above that my angel was definitely a boy. (been asking for a sign) Anywho. Now that you think i am nuts. lol. Later on during the challenging day. I see a preemie come down for his xrays. Beautiful baby. I just wanted to wrap him up and give him a hug. I just miss my baby and the pg feeling. I would have taken a preemie. God i just would have loved my baby no matter what! Then as i am coming home from the hospital i see a double rainbow. I was so awesome! Gave me a little bit of peace. Then after i picked up the girls i went and headed to meet aarons mom. I pulled up to a stoplight and of course it was on red. Right next to baptist. I just had this squeezing feeling on my chest like i could not breathe. Then just wanted to ball my eyes out. As i pull from the stop light i just cry. I WANTED MY BABY!!! I have to drive by this hospital every day and it just takes all that i have to not to have to cry. Today is just so hard.
The dreams also wont stop. Last night i had a dream i was pg with twin boys. I mean can these dreams stop. kwim. I would love a good nights sleep. I would love to go a night without crying or being all depressed. I would love to get pg again. I want to hold a baby up to my chest and love on it. okay well that is enough for me.

Poems for my angel and family!

MY MOMMY IS A SURVIVOR
My Mommy is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away.
I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others, a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom, through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her, and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says, no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

To Mommy, Love Angel:
I once was going to be born and this I couldn't wait,
I knew that everyone was expecting me, I would try not to be late.
But I really wasn't sure what was on the other side,I tried to accept what was happening but I knew I couldn't hide.
I couldn't help but wonder who my parents were to be,I knew for sure that no matter what, they would always love me.
So I thought about it for a while, but I knew I had to leave, I went on to another place, it is so beautiful it's hard to believe.
I had a job to do, but it wasn't here on earth,I am so sorry you had to miss it, the day of my birth.
I wanted so bad to stay and be at home with you,
But I knew that there was something up here that I had to do.
I am now a Guardian Angel and I hope that you are proud,
I watch over you and Daddy, I peek down through the clouds.
I hope you know how much I love you, and how hard it was to goI miss you so much everyday, but I am sure you already know.
So please don't ever forget me, as I will do the same,
You know this wasn't your fault, there is no one to blame.
God needed me to be by his side and to take good care of you,
So there is no need to be sad now and no need to be blue.
If you ever get lonely, just look up at the sky, Like if you had a thought of me or just needed to say hi.
I am so happy with the way things are even though it may not seem,
I talk to you in the night time, I touch you when you dream.
I want to see the same for you, give a smile for me today,
Because I know that we will meet again in some other sort of way.
I will be up here waiting for you, to open the gates real wide
And help you to come home to Heaven, to take a step inside.
I thank you for loving me so much, please believe that this is true,
And there is no one I could ever love more Mommy, as much as I love you.
~Author Unknown~

He Lost A Baby Too ~
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave
– He lost his baby too.
~Author Unknown~

Lonely night tonight!

Hey there. I am sitting here typing away while both girls are sleeping and hb is out playing with his friends at the bar. You may ask why am i not there? Well no 1 no sitter and then no 2 just time to be with the guys. My hb as much as i would like to gripe and belly ache is a wonderful guy. Puts up with alot of my crap.
But i am just having one of those nights. I miss my best friend tara. I could always count on her to make me smile in jr high and high school. She was left brain and i was her right. Vice versa. I miss being able to cry on her shoulder. She would let me talk and talk and would never tell me she is too busy to listen. Just an angel.
Tonight i just feel so lonely. Hb being gone and friends is a touch and go kind of issue. Some just feel uncomfortable around me like they dont know what to say or such. But i am human i can still be talked to and still laugh and love. I dont get this. I dont stray away from then when they need me. But that is what a true friend is for for the thick and the thin. Now i have a couple of friends that are just wonderful but we all have our own busy lives.
One thing is i want to say thanks to ben for just letting me ramble. Wonderful friend. Ladies if you need a man i know where to hook you up at! Then my man d. Now we have been on some rollercoasters together and wow he is still a sweetie! To all my others that are awesome keep doing what you are doing bc it does touch peoples lives.
Sometimes though i just wonder and think about the hs days. When i counted on my friends. I had quite a few of them. When my least worry was what i needed to wear or bring to class. I just miss having all of that socialization. Now it is like my hb, kids, some friends, and my dog. Well thanks for letting me ramble.
Alisha

Anger!!

This post is full of rant to be honest! Life after my m/c is crazy. My first instinict when someone says something to me is to want to hurt them back after they something hurtful. I understand that they dont know what to say but come on! Especially people who have experienced a death period in a family should know what they dont want said to them! Some of the many stupid remarks that i have had to put up with:

• good thing it happened now instead of later
• you have two, three would have been alot!
• are you still pregnant? (after they already know!)
• did you have an abortion?
• cherish the two you have (like i dont!)

So there is just a sneak peek of the ones that i have had to encounter. oh sorry i save the best for last! are you going to ttc again?when? how? (uh we dont have to be rocket scientist to figure that out!) do you think your healthy can handle it?

yeah i am about ready to punch someone. good thing i am seeking out support otherwise i probably would have!

alisha

My first post

Hi there. I am alisha 23 years old. I am a wife of 5yrs to aaron 32 yro. I have three children. Genesis who is 2.5yro, alexus who is 13mths, and an angel named Angel Robert who went to heaven on 9/20/07.
We have many dogs, cats, and any other thing that you can think about. We are very laid back people.
While writing my blog and posting my journey on how i am healing and couping and ttc another baby, i ask a few things... I ask that if you dont like what i say click the x in the upper right hand corner as it is a freedom of speech. Please dont leave comments if you dont have anything nice to say. You are more than welcome to follow my blog and go through the triumphs and tradgedies of my family. We would love to have the support. If you ever need pregnancy loss support just email me through my profile or leave a comment.

Now a little history on what is going on and happening. Genesis is amazing and she is learning things new every day, oh and she has her own little personality. Then Alexus is following right behind her. Kinda funny how they act toward each other. So yeah.
Well when i 17 yro (or about then) i found out i have endometriosis. Scar tissue that grows to cover the uterus and such. So when i met my husband and we decided we wanted children we were told NOW not LATER! So we did. We did every sort of hormone, sex regimen, diet, cross your legs this or that way. We did IT! lol. So after surgery 2-22-04 to get pg, 6weeks later we got pg with Ms. Genesis. Had a very rough time keeping this kid in! She wanted OUT! Then i happily breastfed her for a while then found out i was having a right side kidney issue. So i had to quit. Then we found out the endo had grown back while pg and then while breastfeeding when it is not supposed to happen. Yeah my freaking great! So my doc says Now or Never again. So we have surgery 12-2-05 and get pg 3 weeks later. We had a battle again with preterm labor and then had a healthy baby then too. So my hb and i decide eh i think we are done for 5yrs. I longed to have a 3rd child and wanted a boy but i knew that hb did not. So i was in ultimate pain lately and decided to make a hysterectomy consult. We had decided enough was enough and we were going to do it. The appt was supposed to be on 9-10-07 but on 8-31-07 i found out i was pregnant NATURALLY! My first response was HOLY SHIT! At first i did not understand. Something in my body told me to take a test. I had not had a period at all since giving birth to alexus (9/06). So that is what i did. Many of them too. So yeah. I freaked and my husband freaked. Then we were so excited! We called the doc and i was very cautious this time around i dont know why. I went in and found out i was 5wks and 3days pregnant. So exciting. Then a few more weeks goes by and i am about to go on vacation. I was going to figure out how to tell my inlaws, friends, and family. Well we went in for a normal u/s on 9/19 and that is when my life went to hell and back. I went in thinking okay this is going to be a good u/s. I had a gut feeling in my car that SOMETHING was very WRONG! but i was like just jitters. The u/s tech poked and proded and there was my lil bean. Then she says i need a vaginal u/s. Got me to wondering but okay. Then says she needs doc to come and look at it. So he sits us in the room. (NEVER GOOD) and says your baby has passed away. He just up and left. He had to go do a delivery. HELLO! My heart feels like it has gotten the shit ripped out of it and you walk away. ERH! So after the delivery he comes in and talks to us saying this and that about the baby. Then scheduled my dnc for 9/20. So i went to the hosp at 3pm and had my dnc done about 530pm. Angel Robert went to heaven at 530pm on 9/20. I dont know a day that i dont miss this angel. This little life touched my heart so deeply. I cry about every day and miss him so much.
I have gone to a couple support groups. They have been wonderful especially PRIDE. Just great. My family has been my life line through this all. My husband has been the husband i could just dream of. I have a necklace in rememberance of my son. (i deemed him my son!) I hold it very close to my heart!
Okay well that is my history on that. So now i will post about the road to recovery, dealing with life, ttc, and my grief with everything.
thanks
Alisha