Update on Chickpea.

So i went to the doc on monday and we got to see chickpea. He was squirming and kicking. So cute! Then spoke with my doc and he broke his promise. He said no more u/s. :( Good thing i have to go to the MFM for my nt scan. :) But i get to go to his office bi weekly and listen to the hb. Which is nice but i have a doppler at home. So yeah. But at least i will get to see him eow and get the reassurance that i need. Then at 16 wks i will start the P17 injections. They are to help me try and keep the baby in so i dont have to deal wiht pre-term labor. Had it with both my kids and was walking around dialated at a 3 at 35wks. Now i want a full term baby but no going over the due date. :) Which i might add doc says that wont happen. At 38wks i will deliver due to pre-existing medical issues. Thank the Lord he has me a date to work for. :) Oh i have my big u/s in 7 weeks from now. I am still undecided on if i want to find out. I kind of want a surprise. It would be cool. But then again i am a planner and love to look at going home outfits and such. I just dont know. Oh and names wont be announced till the baby is born just so i dont have to hear oh we have one named that or i dont like it. Just our call. So anyways that is about it on that front. I will leave you with the u/s photo.

My PAL brain is getting the better of me today!

Today i am just nervous about being pregnant. Nervous that something is going to go wrong. I think i need to take a step away from message boards for a while and just focus on me and my family. Being pregnant after a loss is so hard on ones mind. I am tired of getting well you are pregnant again be happy with that. Umm.. lets think 2 losses does not equal happiness while pregnant anymore. It equals fear. No one can really understand the fear that i am going thru until you have lost a pregnancy and get pregnant again. I just hate those emails to me that just say be happy you are pregnant again. Okay i have told the good lord how thankful i am for this but please dont tell me to be happy and excited. I will in my own time when i feel like i can and if that is not until i have that baby in my arms then so freaking be it.
I keep getting the is this your last one question. Please dont ask a woman if it is her last one. None of their business. Just mine and my dh. I am financially secure and i pay my own bills so i dont think that anyone needs to tell me how many children i NEED to have or not have. But for those that are just so curious that they just need to know. When i have one more healthy baby in my arms i am going to be done!
Well that is all my ranting today. Blessings to all. Btw can you keep my friends in your prayers who are dealing with IF issues? thanks so much.

We heard it!

Hello to everyone who reads my blog. I have some good news. WE HEARD THE HB ON MY DOPPLER! It was great. I was searching for a bit and then i found it. It was really fast. Dh was like are you sure that is not your hb. Ummm if that is mine.. Dear we need to run to the ER very fast bc that is not good. It was quite comical though. I put it on my heart and he was OH OKAY! Then we also heard the baby squirm. It was cool. I think i am sending the doppler back to get a digital though. I can count fast but umm it is easier seeing a read out. kwim. But yeah. So that is our mini update. I am going back to the doc on monday 4/28/08.

So some feelings that i am having...

So as a pregnant women usually is very hormonal.. i got plenty of that going my way. I am very moody and hormonal. Sometimes it even gets on my own nerves. lol. But anyways.
Lately i have been feeling blah. Nervous and scared. I know there is nothing i can do. But pray and pray. I just feel like i am waiting for the other shoe to drop. kwim. Like when am i going to get the bad news. I dont ever want to get that news again in my lifetime but i just feel that way. Personally tired of people telling me to stop too bc there are so NOT and have never been in my shoes. Right now i am dealing with my cousin who gave birth to a baby and i was supposed to have mine around the same time. Then my cousin on my dad's side found out she was pregnant and you would guess it right around the time that Maddy would have been born in september. Smack one smack two. Both of which were unexpected pregnancies. Now there is one i am so excited about. My cousin she is due in November. Very expected. But then again i am nervous. Like in my mind it goes well i have been pregnant with a cousin each time. Each time no good. So this really makes me nervous. I am really praying that I can walk down the street and we can compare big ole bellies when i am 7mths or so. :) you know i might just do that one time too. (we dont work too far from each other) LOL. I so look forward to her appts and so excited to hear all the details that she is willing to share but when it comes to mine i am nervous as all freaking get out. So scared that i am going to get bad news. Then it will feel rather weird again. I so DONT want that at all. Tonight i am just full of nerves and wonders. I wonder if i do carry this one will it all go okay. Will i carry to term but the same moment i even slightly think that i say no alisha we are not looking that far into the future dont want to get your heartstrings ripped out. Although at this point i probably would. But anywho that is how i am feeling tonight. I am so ready for this part of the worries to be over.

Meet Chickpea and we still need lots of prayers!

Meet my chickpea. Chickpea is 8wk 2days and is due to come and meet everyone on November 23rd. But doc says about November 1-9th. Due to my medical issues. This is chickpea's u/s on monday. We got to see chickpea move! The hb was 185 and then it was 192 when i got all excited. lol. That was a hard u/s i was so scared for bad news. When i went in the u/s tech said um your bladder is really full. But we got to see him move! Then i almost peed on the table. lol. So she told me to go and go pee. So yeah. The cyst is still there and huge. So we go in next week to check on that and then we go again on the 28th for another u/s and my first real ob appt. That scares the bejezzus out of me. kwim. My first real one since i have lost my two angels. But yeah. Seeing this bean made me feel a bit better. I told my sister yesterday but i wont tell anyone else until June 3rd. Then I will tell extended family. hey maybe i can just show up to 4th of July with a big belly! lol. But yeah. My fil does not know at all so i guess i really need to tell him when i am ready. I dont know when that will be. There are only a selected few that know They are awesome support group right now too! Thanks!

If you can keep some prayers out still for chickpea to keep growing and keep on going i would be so appreciative. I am still so scared that there is not going to be a hb and such.

Just sad today!

My mom called and just gave me the news. My cousin delivered her baby girl via c-section today and was 6lb 4oz. Baby and mom are doing great. This just slapped me and made me realize that this should have been me. :( (minus the c) I should be having my baby and holding my baby. Instead i am worried to death that i am going to lose mine. My heart just aches at the current minute. I am somewhat happy for her. But just wondering why this had to happen.
I just got yet another call of someone going oh my they are so happy and everyone is up there just oooohhhing and awwwing over the baby. well how nice. this is coming from a person who knows my heart still is very very raw. but as it was put to me i dont need to be selfish.. umm excuse me.. I LOST A BABY YOU ASSHOLE! not just one my friends TWO! i have every damn right to be upset and disappointed that i dont get to hold and rock mine. that i dont get to breastfeed mine.. that i dont get to kiss mine good night at all. i have to ask the good lord to do that all for me! i am just upset.

Okay so my fate will be served to me on Monday.

Hey everyone. So chickpea's fate will be delivered to me on monday. I will know if he is developing or not. Now i had an u/s on tuesday and all was swell and he was growing and such. Had a hb of 175. So i am just paranoid about monday. Monday was the day that i found out that i lost angel. This is a rough point in my pregnancy for me. I never thought i would want to wish my life away but this is one time where i wish i could. I just feel so up and down and man this rollercoaster blows crap. I dont like it. I feel blessed to be pregnant again. Thank god but please give me some reassurance and sanity. My ob said on wednesday that he wants me in his office eow (every other week) to keep an eye on me and make sure all is going well. So needless to say him and i are going to be good buddies if this works out. :) We also agreed that this momma's baby making shop is going to shut down. No more babies after we have a healthy happy one. I do want to donate some eggs to my sister who is going through IF treatments. So i will do that after i get done nursing and then have my tubes tied. I can hear my inlaws screaming rejoice now. LOL. So if all goes well on monday then i have another u/s on the 28th, then another one on 12th and then another one on the 26th. then i think he is taking that away and just doing doppler checks every 2wks. But i wont allow myself to think this may happen. I dont want my heart torn away from me yet again. I just dont want to. I think if i prepare myself for the worst then i will be okay. I know i wont but i keep telling myself that. I do feel cheated. I feel like alot of women get those 2 lines and then get to enjoy a pregnancy and live their lives out. I miss that innoscence of it all. Instead of fretting the u/s i would love to look forward to them. But God has put me down this road for a reason. I dont know why and never will understand it at all. Well that is about it. Please pray for chickpea on monday!

Just some random thoughts going in my noodle! :)

Hi there. These are just some random thoughts and stuff today. Not really at all about ttc, pregnancy or anything.

So today i was in church and my thought process started going. I was like wow. Have you ever looked at you life and just wondered at a few things? Like how you landed where you are. How you ended up with your friends that you have? He really did not preach on such things they just raced through my mind. I mean the directions that i was headed in high school.. totally not this way. Then the friendships things.. I have a few who i would have never thought i would be best friends with. I mean i love them now but man.. looking back at the old me ummm NOPE. I for one can tell you how many chick friends i had in elementary,middle, and highschool. I can count them on maybe one hand. Might need one more finger from the other. lol. Now the majority of my friends are females. Well let me think... yep majority has females. I do have some male friends. Some of those are by marriage and some are my friends from highschool. Now a couple of them are x boyfriends but i always tried to leave my relationships on a friendship note. Now not all of them worked. But i tried. :) Today at church i seen one of my x's parents. It was cool/weird type of thing. Sometimes it brings back the heartache and then sometimes i am like you know what i was friends with this person a long time. From the 5th grade till my freshman year of college. We went through so much together. Kiddy fights, truth and dares, getting grounded together, a loved one dying, calling our parents each other parents. We were at the hip. I looked forward to seeing him alot. We went through the my first love thing.. Well he was my first love. And well that lasted for a long minute. :) From freshman year - senior year off and on. Did some well things that is not quite approved by the parents. lol. But we had fun together no matter what. I really miss that friendship alot. I guess today just kind of brought that up when i seen his parents. I dont care that we are not married to each other or in a relationship.. shit we just had a blast together and i totally miss that friendship a lot.
I guess part of growing up is losing some of those good friendships. I hate growing up. I wish i still had my highschool clan. We all swore we would stay close but none of us has really. I am going to try better with some of those people to stay closer with them. We shall see how this escapade works out. lol.
Well anywho.. those are my ramblings.

Missing you tons Angel Robert!

Tonight i sit here typing on the computer just thinking of angel robert. A girl i know is due the same time i was and she is getting induced in a couple weeks. I always get an induction date with my babies (whether they wait that long is another story!) and can only go to 38wks due to medical issues. I know i should be having a baby here in 2wks but the only thing i am getting is heart ache and pain. I will never understand the reasoning behind this. I am a good mother, descent person, loving wife, have a steady job, loving marriage. I just dont understand why. I don't understand how some crackhead gets blessed to be pregnant and carry a baby. I will never understand the one night flings and they dont want their babies but feel pressured to keep them. I just dont get it. My heart aches so bad.
I miss my angel so bad. I wanted those moments with him. Like going to the doc to hear the hb and wondering boy or girl. Having my big u.s and finding out it was a boy through that way not through pathology. I wanted those first kicks, first contractions, first cries, midnight wakings, i wanted it all. Something i will never get from my angel baby. I know god has a reason for the things he does but tonight i dont get it and wont get it.
Tonight i sit here thinking that i am never going to have another baby. I worry wether this one is going to make it or not. I dont want my heart stripped away from me. I refuse to think ahead and be positive. I just can't do it. Tonight i just feel rather low. I wanted my baby so bad. I wanted to be able to rock him to sleep and tell him about God. Not God having to rock him and telling him about his mommy.
Lord please do me a favor and let him know i loved him so much and please Lord dont take this one away from me!

My coversation with the doc!

hey everyone. so the ob called my yesterday while i was eating at moe's burrito. (btw it is so freaking yummy!) i went to the ladies room to talk to him.. no i was not going pee. just loud in there. lol. he said alisha.. i think this is going to go nicely. he also said that i have a 3cm cyst on my ovary and that he thought it is a pregnancy cycst so he is not too worried about it. he says that sometimes that is what helps support that pregnancy until the placenta and stuff is there. umm okay doc sure.. i take your word for it. so i asked about the next u/s and he says in two weeks. uh WHAT? i thought you told me weekly my friend. nope.. bi-weekly. well hmmph! also he says we are doing only over the phone ob appts for the moment.. he says he does not want me in well an antsy aniexty mode to come to his office.. well how nice of him. so he says in about 4 weeks we will come in to his office and go from there. LORD PLEASE LET THIS ONE STICK!
so more prayers are being asked for and praying daily this one wants to come play with our family. :)