Tonight i sit here typing on the computer just thinking of angel robert. A girl i know is due the same time i was and she is getting induced in a couple weeks. I always get an induction date with my babies (whether they wait that long is another story!) and can only go to 38wks due to medical issues. I know i should be having a baby here in 2wks but the only thing i am getting is heart ache and pain. I will never understand the reasoning behind this. I am a good mother, descent person, loving wife, have a steady job, loving marriage. I just dont understand why. I don't understand how some crackhead gets blessed to be pregnant and carry a baby. I will never understand the one night flings and they dont want their babies but feel pressured to keep them. I just dont get it. My heart aches so bad.
I miss my angel so bad. I wanted those moments with him. Like going to the doc to hear the hb and wondering boy or girl. Having my big u.s and finding out it was a boy through that way not through pathology. I wanted those first kicks, first contractions, first cries, midnight wakings, i wanted it all. Something i will never get from my angel baby. I know god has a reason for the things he does but tonight i dont get it and wont get it.
Tonight i sit here thinking that i am never going to have another baby. I worry wether this one is going to make it or not. I dont want my heart stripped away from me. I refuse to think ahead and be positive. I just can't do it. Tonight i just feel rather low. I wanted my baby so bad. I wanted to be able to rock him to sleep and tell him about God. Not God having to rock him and telling him about his mommy.
Lord please do me a favor and let him know i loved him so much and please Lord dont take this one away from me!
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