Okay so my fate will be served to me on Monday.

Hey everyone. So chickpea's fate will be delivered to me on monday. I will know if he is developing or not. Now i had an u/s on tuesday and all was swell and he was growing and such. Had a hb of 175. So i am just paranoid about monday. Monday was the day that i found out that i lost angel. This is a rough point in my pregnancy for me. I never thought i would want to wish my life away but this is one time where i wish i could. I just feel so up and down and man this rollercoaster blows crap. I dont like it. I feel blessed to be pregnant again. Thank god but please give me some reassurance and sanity. My ob said on wednesday that he wants me in his office eow (every other week) to keep an eye on me and make sure all is going well. So needless to say him and i are going to be good buddies if this works out. :) We also agreed that this momma's baby making shop is going to shut down. No more babies after we have a healthy happy one. I do want to donate some eggs to my sister who is going through IF treatments. So i will do that after i get done nursing and then have my tubes tied. I can hear my inlaws screaming rejoice now. LOL. So if all goes well on monday then i have another u/s on the 28th, then another one on 12th and then another one on the 26th. then i think he is taking that away and just doing doppler checks every 2wks. But i wont allow myself to think this may happen. I dont want my heart torn away from me yet again. I just dont want to. I think if i prepare myself for the worst then i will be okay. I know i wont but i keep telling myself that. I do feel cheated. I feel like alot of women get those 2 lines and then get to enjoy a pregnancy and live their lives out. I miss that innoscence of it all. Instead of fretting the u/s i would love to look forward to them. But God has put me down this road for a reason. I dont know why and never will understand it at all. Well that is about it. Please pray for chickpea on monday!