Bummed!

Hi today. Today is a good day i guess. I had my appt yesterday and it went good i guess. Doc says everything is fine and yes my endo is back. So guess what... it is going to be harder to concieve! Just frustrating to me. I want the baby i lost back. ERH. Anywho.
So yesterday i had my temp shift after a dip which i was somewhat optomistic. but of course my body gives me a low ass temp this morning and bam cramping begins! I am so upset. I just want to be preggo again.
I have had a good cry and told my dh how i feel. I feel like he is not putting his all into this process. Bitches and moans about having sex. Okay if you dont want to have sex with your wife then F YOU. (i am just frustrated right now!) I am going to through crap trying to get pg and he just has to have an orgasim! I know it is probably more complicated then this. ;) But at any rate i am just frustrated and i want to gripe about it. That is what my blog is for.
Oh i was told "you already have 2 kids why gripe and belly ache." uh hello. i dont think anyone should be putting me down or shooting my feelings down bc i already have two kids. that does not make infertility hurt less. Just means i went through hell and back and now i have two precious earth angels and one heaven angel now. I want one more!
I have done some thinking though. I want to focus more on my schooling and not all just on ttc. My grades are suffering and that is not good bc i want to be more than what i am right now. I hate being a secretary! not for me! I want to feel important and do something that i love!
I am going to attempt to not dwell on the process as much next month. Just do my CBEFM.
I want this baby bad but i dont want to risk my marriage and miss that bond with the children that i do have. I feel like i obsess on this matter so much that i dont really give my full attn to where it needs to be.
Have fun and GO OU. game is tom night!

Missing my bean!

Hi there. I know you probably get tired of the same ole post but yeah. Gotta get it out somewhere. lol.
Today is just a up and down kinda day for me. I am sitting here just missing my bean. I was supposed to find out the gender in a couple of weeks so just frustrated right now. Also i get tired of hearing my family say well in this family we are all fertile. NO THE HELL WE ARE NOT ALL FERTILE or i guess i was adopted. They say just relax or all it took was having sex for us. Well NEWSALERT!!! I am having sex. ERH! Oh and mind you the descency of a cousin. She says do you miss your baby????!!!!WTF! How in the HELL do you ask someone a question like that. My only thought was would you miss your son if he passed away! ERH! I just want to cry my eyes out right now! But yeah.
I go to the doctor this thursday and well i am just plain not looking forward to it. I hate going there knowing that is where i found out i lost my baby at... Just the memories of that office just gives me the jibbies! But a girls has to do what a girl has to do. kwim. lol.

On the upside of things. Dh and i will be celebrating 5yrs offically married on Dec 6th. I am excited. I have his annv present already. Went out on black friday and had a wonderful time and got his present. He is so in for a shocker! lol. I cant wait to see his reaction. I would love to find out i am pg that day too. But eh oh well. Next month is always a try too. lol.
Alexus started walking really descent on t-day. It was awesome. And i was there to see it. I work full time so usually i get told about her first. Then genesis is starting to talk more into sentences now. I am so excited bc now she can communicate better with me! Yeah. She turns three at the end of december. How big she is getting.
Well i think that is about it for now.
alisha

Thanksgiving Update!

hey there. today is saturday and i took a pg and got bfn! ugh. but i think i am only 5dpo. i dont care what ff says about it. i got a +opk last saturday i believe. anywho. i went to thanksgiving and survived. she was not there which was almost a blessing to me. but there were other comments that got on my nerves but i guess you cant avoid them all. some people are just too freaking stubborn.
i hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving!
alisha

Two months and counting!

Today is 2mths and 1 day. I meant to write yesterday but i was so busy. Yesterday i had to take genesis with me to the doctor to have a barium follow through. NOT FUN! but we got through it and she is my champ! I love her so much! All of my kids. But yeah. When she wrapped her arms around me and said mommy i love you so much. I was like aww. But yeah. When i got home my hb had locked his keys in the truck! So i knew a local mom who's hb does it for a living and we called him and he came and unlocked dh's truck! But anyways... I had a moment to reflect yesterday and it was saddening but okay. I knew it was the 2mth anniv of my baby being gone and what i was supposed to be experiencing right now. That hurts alot. Hb let me go to bed early last night which was good bc i am just an emotional wreck right now. I dont want to see my cousin by any means right now. She is edd on my edd. So yeah. What will hurt worse is when/if she invites me to the baby shower. kwim. I keep thinking that god has a plan. But anywho i will write more later. i am so freaking tired again today.
alisha

Why can i not think about anything else??????!!!

Okay so today i sit here and i can not wrap my mind around anything else but ttc and ovulating! I would love to go back to the old me where i can just think of what iam going to fix for dinner the next day or when i am going to aerobics! I hate this. I keep telling myself that i am not going to think about it! But how can you not. Seriously this is about the only thing that is keeping my sanity right now. If i dont think of this, then my mind tends to wonder about my angel and such. :( Just wish i still was pg and i would not have to be going through all of this damn mess! I want someone(GOD) to give me my baby back! Now i know what every woman in the world goes through when ttc after a loss. (I never wanted to know that feeling but i guess god wanted to bless me with it!) Every twinge, every move, you just sit and wonder! Enough already! Anywho i have a doctors appt on the 29th of November. I am hoping he will test to see if i am and get a BFP. But if i dont it is on to December! :)
alisha

That kind of day!

Hi there. Today is well one of those crummy days. I did not get much sleep as that is usual in my world now. Then aaron and i have been having some minor issues. I dont feel like he is putting 100% in this ttc thing. I am taking my temp every morning, peeing on sticks till i see blue in the face, watching cm, then feeling my bb's to see what all is going on. And all he can say is hun i am too tired to baby dance tonight. WTF???!!! I mean hello all you have to do is your freaking business. How freaking hard is that?????? It is probably harder than what i think but oh well. I give no sympathy to him. Then today i am just missing being pg with my angel. I want to so badly be able to feel those kicks and stuff. Just hard to accept sometimes. My goal is though to hopefully be pg bf may so i can focus on feeling some little kicks. Wishing this month but i am guessing November is going to a bust month. :( Oh well we will try next month! Oh forget to say i got a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. The fancy one! I am so excited. Also if i am not pg this month i am going to my ob and telling him about the throbbing thing in my lower right side! Just to make sure it is nothing preventing us from getting pg.
Well that is enough complaining for one day. I just miss my baby.

Held a baby!

Today for the first time since my m/c i held a baby for a few breif moments. I work for a neuro clinic and this poor baby was here to get an eeg due to having a stroke at birth. She is just so beautiful. This baby would not stop crying so i stepped outside my office and just had to love on this baby. (mother's loving kwim?) so i went and held this baby and a whirl wind of emotions just wrapped me. It made me realize how much i wanted this again. How much i wanted to hold my baby again and i will never get to. I did not shed one tear in front of that daddy's face. I told him what a good daddy he was being and how much she is so beautiful and such. Right now i just want to sit and have a good cry. To feel the warmth and love come from such a tiny baby. When that baby looked me in the eyes i was like omg i wont get this. But in the same breath it kind of gave me a feeling of that everything is and will be okay. kwim? I wanted to annoucing that i could feel the kicks and such this week but i wont get to. My heart really hurts at the moment.
Oh i think i am in the 2ww also with the ttc. So we shall see.
Alisha

Oh Saturday.....

Today i sit here typing during the OU vs Baylor game. My goodness right now it is in the 3rd quater and it is 42 - 21 Ou in the lead. But yeah. I went to the support group on thursday and might i add it was very very helpful. It helped me to know there are other women out there going through the troubles that i am. Now on thursday i got an email that said "baby buried alive" WTF???!!! I got so mad. It was very very hurtful to me. How can someone in their right mind send something like that to me! ERH! So when i went to my PRIDE group meeting i mentioned of it and how it really hurt my feelings. They were all ready to come down and beat the holy hell out of them! Oh while we were at pride we found out the date for the memorial service. It is December 13, 2007 at 7:30. I am somewhat excited. Today was a somewhat emotional day for me. Everywhere i went i seen big preggos or tiny babies. So when i came home from walmart i just cried and cried. Aaron just wrapped me up and loved on me.. But he reassured me that i am going to get pg soon and in time this will get better. Oh i think i will be o'ing soon. I took my opk and it was somewhat dark just not same as or darker. So i guess we shall see. I am not too optomistic this month. But he says it will happen when i am least expecting it. hmm we shall see. anywho. i will sign off tonight.

Why does it matter?

Hi all. I was having a wonderful day today. Well until my fil has to call. Yeah oh yeah good. So i asked him if he can watch the girls thursday night while i go to pride. (m/c support group) He says why are you still going to that? Well bc i miss my fricking baby wth do you think i am going. He wonders why i just cant get over it. Well it was my baby not his that he lost. It was his grandbaby which he will never acknoledge. I think i just might show him that damn u/s so he can see that there was a freaking baby in there. KWIM! My heart hurts. ERH! I thought i was doing so good. I was talking to a friend last night and was able to talk about my angel and be okay with it. I even showed her my u/s pic. I felt proud that was my baby for that long. Why oh why do people have to put you down.
I am so excited about going to PRIDE. My mom is going with me this week. She needs the support also. They miss their little angel. My mom has always been the supportive one for me. She is my best friend. So i definitely want her to be there with aaron and i. I know it will not be an easy meeting but at least she can see what we do. Everytime i cry and just dont think i can take it anymore i call her and she gives me a boost and vice versa. She knows that i want to be pregnant so bad again. (My fil does not know this and i could care less wether he knows or not, he is not my daddy and nor my husband). The way i am feeling about it right now. If i want to have 10 damn kids then i will. (if my hb wanted to but GOD knows i do not want 10! Just one more!)
Right now i am frustrated as hell. I just wish that he would keep his comments to hisself. And for notes sake... I AM NOT AND WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT MY CHILD I WONT BE ABLE TO HOLD, LOVE, AND CARE FOR!

Monday Monday (bunches of rambling)

Hi all. Today is yet another lovely monday. Freaking out over a paper that is due at school. (I go to college for my bs in Business Management with emphasis on marketing!) But i did get the paper done. Half ass but hey who gives a darn. As long as i keep a C in that class. :) But anywho i do something to celebrate! AF IS GONE GONE! heck ya. Any woman can celebrate that! So now i am doing the waiting game! Waiting for that O to come. So now we are going to do the sme plan (sperm meets the egg plan) eod till + opk then every day for 3 days then break one day then bd one more day. we shall see if it happens.

Life is nuts at work. I had drug rep day today and well yah. Not all of them know i am not pg anymore so they still make gestures and stuff. It still hurts pretty bad. I just wish they would understand that i am not just going to "get over it". Angel was my baby i have the u/s to prove that was my baby! ERGH!

Also i have an assignment for PRIDE. I am going to make a page with my u/s pics on it and man oh man that is one of the hardest things to do. It is a gut check every time i have to look at that freaking picture. I want a date where i will be okay. You know. Like re-coop time. But ob says never going to happen. Oh and do you think i am wrong for counting my angel in my child count. I mean if i know a bunch of q's are going to stem from this i will say nothing but i usually say three and no q's.

Anywho. I have to go pick up aaron when i get off work. That i am kind of excited about. We get two moments of alone time! yah! ;)

Oh and i have to make a confession. I go to school on friday nights at a local university. There is this guy in my class. OMG! HOW HOT! I cant believe it. When he first talked to me i am like uh why are you talking me again? But yeah. We are both in committed relationships. Which makes it easier to talk to him. But omg. Too cute. Oh and btw i have told dh and he is not the least bit jealous. He says as long as you come home to me. eh good.

Anywho that is my weekend. So here is to baby dancing for the next two weeks!

Will i ever be the same?

Hello there. Today is six weeks since my m/c. It is driving me crazy. My heart aches. Last night i took the girls trick or treating and man all i wanted to do is ball my eyes out.
Today i have been thinking alot about my angel. What i wanted to do for him and such. With both my children i felt them kick at 14wks and i would have been 14wks this sunday. Part of me keeps thinking i am supposed to feel that kick and nope not gonna feel it. Not even gonna get those petty braxton hicks i always got at 12wks. I woke up thinking about my angel today and that is all i have had on my mind.
Another thing is bothering me. You know when you know something is wrong.That is how i feel about my bowel issues. Like i know something is wrong but cant get a damn person to listen to me! I dont want it to harm me and then i want to be able to get pg and carry another baby to term! I just wish someone would listen. I just got a call from my surgeon that says we can not do a damn thing for ya. Nothing is wrong! BS! Whatever! ERGH! I have yet to wonder why a damn thing can't go the way i want it to go! Then another thing is bothering me. We are supposed to start ttc this weekend. I just have a feeling it is not going to go the way i want it. Dh has a low sex drive and well he thinks that he does not need sex but once a blue moon. Ugh hello here i am trying to make a baby! He says he is going to try real hard this month until it happens. Whatever. I just really want to run as far away as i can get right now! Christmas is coming and i was supposed to find out the gender of the baby right around then but not going to happen either so right now the upcoming holidays idea is so freaking depressing. I just want to keep my head afloat and be able to get through this issue.
My one question is Will i ever be the same?