Will i ever be the same?

Hello there. Today is six weeks since my m/c. It is driving me crazy. My heart aches. Last night i took the girls trick or treating and man all i wanted to do is ball my eyes out.
Today i have been thinking alot about my angel. What i wanted to do for him and such. With both my children i felt them kick at 14wks and i would have been 14wks this sunday. Part of me keeps thinking i am supposed to feel that kick and nope not gonna feel it. Not even gonna get those petty braxton hicks i always got at 12wks. I woke up thinking about my angel today and that is all i have had on my mind.
Another thing is bothering me. You know when you know something is wrong.That is how i feel about my bowel issues. Like i know something is wrong but cant get a damn person to listen to me! I dont want it to harm me and then i want to be able to get pg and carry another baby to term! I just wish someone would listen. I just got a call from my surgeon that says we can not do a damn thing for ya. Nothing is wrong! BS! Whatever! ERGH! I have yet to wonder why a damn thing can't go the way i want it to go! Then another thing is bothering me. We are supposed to start ttc this weekend. I just have a feeling it is not going to go the way i want it. Dh has a low sex drive and well he thinks that he does not need sex but once a blue moon. Ugh hello here i am trying to make a baby! He says he is going to try real hard this month until it happens. Whatever. I just really want to run as far away as i can get right now! Christmas is coming and i was supposed to find out the gender of the baby right around then but not going to happen either so right now the upcoming holidays idea is so freaking depressing. I just want to keep my head afloat and be able to get through this issue.
My one question is Will i ever be the same?