Just some Friday ramblings.

So today is friday.. which is great! But today i am a bit edgy. I am personally just done with being pregnant. Having contractions every 5 mins for hours and hours is just not fun. Having one while i type. Btw also the next person who gets on to me for saying i am done.. i think i will just have to hurt! lol. I was asked today if i am ready i answer yes. Then i got well you are not near done with this yet. You should not wish to have a preemie baby. Okay folks if she were born now she would be well over 3lbs.. Not like i am asking for a micro preemie here. Plus i know full and well that it is not time for her to be born yet. That we need at least a couple more weeks then she can come. I am just in pain all the time.

I hit my husband in the shoulder last night at 250am bc i could not sleep and just dying in pain crying. I had had it. I was like put me out of my misery. I dont think i have ever been at a rock bottom mentally with the pain aspect. I am so exhausted from not being able to sleep due to the pain also.

Please know i am very very grateful to be pregnant and get this opportunity but i also am in tons of pain everyday now. Sometimes in so much pain i pray for an anth. doc! lol.

So after all that.. i have an exam tonight in school, work on sorting some clothes, u/s tomorrow at 1030am, baby shower at 2pm, and football game at 6pm. Dont fret i am not going to the game. Lord knows that is when my water would break! lol. I will be watching it in the comforts of my own home. I also have homework that i have to do saturday night and have a HUGE exam monday.

Here is my most rescent belly pic. NO LAUGHING FOLKS! It was taken this Wednesday. I feel huge! Well every part of me feels huge but yeah.

I am seriously hoping this girl comes sometime in the near future.. Like after the 11th.

32 wk update

Here is my ob appt update from yesterday. I copied it from my post on the iv board.

Okay ladies.. today was a day from heck at work. I think i was ready to shoot every pt that called. Just that kind of day. All of them were the drama pt's like make me want to explode. Plus that makes me not be able to be on iv. :) Anywho. So here is what happened at the doc's today. Did not look at the scale, bp was nice a bit elevated but says due to work, hb was great 160, and tummy is measuring a wee behind but says that is fine due to me giving birth to small ones. Just to watch her movement. :) So then pants off. That is where it gets interesting. First thing he says is man you are the dc queen today. Umm thanks for noticing. lol. Then does my ffn.. I will get those results in the morning. If they are + same drill go to LD and get roids then PERMA BR at home. ICK! Not for me. I will stick with mod thank you so we need a -. :) Then he says well i am going to carefully check that cervix. sure whatever. Then checks it and says sit up. We need to do some chatting. I am dilated almost 3cm! HOLY SH*#! He says almost 3cm at the bottom and 2 at top. Still 45% effaced so that is great. he says he is not changing my plan at all. Says that we are doing descent and he almost expected this. He says after October 11th if she is born there is nada he can do to stop it. So i just have to be EXTRA careful for the next 15 days. then 4 more days of semi careful then DONE! I am a bit freaked at being almost 3CM. I know you can sit there for days or hours. But kinda praying for 19 days.. I mean i need my good night with dh before i go in labor! ;) lol. So that is the news ladies. My life ceases to be dull! I will update tomorrow on the results.
So now i am just hoping to hold out till after my date with my dh on the 10th of October. I mean i deserve that! lol. Then she can come. They will administer steriods if i go in labor before 35wks but not after. He thinks she will do just fine. I personally have this weird feeling that this lil lady is going to hang on till at least 36 wks. She knows i really want to take her sisters tot'ing. So i bet she comes right before.

1 yr today Angel Robert went to heaven

1 year today my life was totally changed. The way i would view pregnancy, people, and aspects of life. 1 yr ago today i had to walk in the hospital and sign in at the pre-op desk and tell them what i was there for. I would soon lose the best surprise of my life.
On August 26th i found out i was pregnant. After many struggles with endo and if we were really baffled as we thought we never could get pregnant on our own. We were so happy. Not what was planned but hey that is life right. So i call the doc. Get an u/s and find out i am already 6wks pregnant. Holy smokes. I did not have a period in almost 2yrs due to pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding of Alexus. there on the screen was a tiny bean with a flicker of a hb. I instantly fell in love. Fast forward to my prenate appt and u/s my life would change walking in the u/s room. She puts the wand on my belly and turns the screen FAST! I knew something was wrong. She has me leave the room and wait for the ob. I am sobbing. He walks in and says "alisha the baby does not have a hb." I thought i was living a nightmare.. I mean i had to be just dreaming. Not me.. Not us! That is not the way pregnancy ran in my books. So then we were asked what we wanted to do. Wait it out, pray it happens fast, or have a dnc and do some cultures on the "product of remains". We opt for the dnc as i could not stand the thought of having a dead "embryo" in me. So the next morning 9/20 my only son as i would find out would be taken from me. I remember crying so hard in the OR. I made the nurse anth girl cry, the or staff cry, and my poor ob is like hun you have to settle down so we can sedate you. I just could not do it. I could not handle the thought of this happening.Finally they got me sedated and did their job. I woke up in the recovery room and just started crying again. How could they do this.. Why. The nurses were so compassionate there. Held my hands and told me it was going to be okay and that i would be blessed again and i would walk out of the hospital again with a baby. I just kept crying and one of my post op nurses had to leave bc she started crying and could not handle it.
That was the day i felt like my life went to hell and back. I still hear the words there is no hb alisha. Last night ihad a dream i was living it all over again. Why.. Not fair at all.

Angel,
Mommy misses you so much. I would have love to known who you would have looked like. Were you going to be tall and thin or medium and chunky. :) Were you going to be an easy baby or would you give your mommy a run for her money. I would have loved to have those first moments with you and hold you and rock you. Daddy misses you to he just expresses it differently. My heart aches all the time. Please know mommy loves you so much and will never forget you. Please watch over your sisters, daddy, and I. Please watch over this baby in mommy's belly and help keep her safe. Know that she is not taking the place in my heart for you. Just adding to mommy's heart. Angel i dont think no one can imagine the pain and heart ache mommy feels right now. Angel knows mommy thinks about you everyday. I love and miss you so much.
Love you,
Your mommy

31wk update

Hello all. So first my pregnancy update. I went to the doc yesterday.. weight was horrible. I cried on the scale bc they had to move my bar up. :( I am rather hormonal so those things can make a woman cry. lol. Then i went and sat in the doc's chair and did not want on the table so he knew my mood when i got there. The da nurse from l&d did not do my FFN test so he could not do it bc she murdered my cervix the night before. I really want to kick her in the shins. So i have to go back next monday to have it done. Frankly i dont care anymore. If she comes she comes and we will have to cope with that. (mind you i am rather frustrated). He asked me if i am miserable. well hmm you have a part of your body contracting all the time and tell me how you feel. Not so perky buddy! lol. So i did found out i passed my GTT. Which is awesome. I can't live without my carbs. I mean how else are we going to cause scale drama! lol. He reminded me that he does not stop labor after 35 wks and that if i want to try natural rememdies then i can set my heart to do them. By gosh buddy count on that after 36wks though. I really wanna be pregnant for tot'ing but right after i am going to try and get this lil gal out! lol. I told my doc that too and he says just wait till after 9pm on halloween bc i want to go tot'ing with the kiddies. Okay great! Then he reminded me eh aren't you supposed to try and hold out till your cousin has her baby. Umm yeah that is the plan but man this discomfort is swaying me not to wait. lol. Plus who knows if this lil girl is into waiting it out. We will try and convince her a bit. I gotta hold the little guy for a couple mins then i can go in labor. sounds good. :) Okay so we are pregnant for a bit longer and doc thinks anywhere after the 14th of october she will come. Less than a month potentially. WOW!

My evening in jail (l&d)

Good evening. I just got home from a good evening in l&d. I started having some bleeding/spotting issues yesterday then today i felt like she was going to claw her way out. So while eating dinner with my bil and mil i start having contrx every 2mins. After meds nothing would stop so we haul my butt up there. They say oh you are a 2. Yep i know. Doc says check her in 1hr if no change give shot and go home. That is what we did. :) So i will be pregnant for a while longer. Hopefully for about 40 days longer.

As i checked the mail today (a post about my angels)

I seen a newsletter from the support group I attend once a month. I open it and read the news and what not for the month. I see some of those poems and my heart just aches. I flip the page and see a page that says REMEMBERING OUR ANGELS SEPTEMBER 2008. I look down and see ANGEL ROBERT 9/20/07. My heart just breaks so bad. Just reading his name breaks me in two. 1 yr ago today i was living life so innocently just thinking i was pregnant and happy and life was going to be honky dory. Yeah until 6 days later it would all fall apart for me to pick the pieces up again. I will never forget my angels. They will always be apart of me. They were made in love and well wanted whether we planned them or not. God knows i miss my only son.
Speaking of someone asked me if i regret finding out that my baby was a boy. At the moment it was asked. I was angered by that. Why would someone say such a thing? But it made me reflect. Part of me wishes that the doc would not have said anything. I was so curious as to know but when it came down to it I did not but the doc said HE and then said SHE with my second loss. I confirmed. Why i dont know but i confirmed with the doc. Do i regret it? Somedays yes bc i know i will never have a son to hold only one to memorialize. But then again i know i had a son if only for a few weeks with a beating heart and even if he just looked like a glob.
As the 20th approaches i just ask for a few prayers for my heart. It still aches alot and i still miss my angel babies alot. Another thing that got to me today was a cousin of mine called me a bout breastfeeding advice (the one that had a baby around the time Angel Robert was due). I anwered the question and just sat there and cried thinking what would i have been doing now. Would i still be breastfeeding or would i be using formula. Ah this just sucks. Anywho. Thanks for praying for us.

2 months or less

I will be holding my newest addition in 2 months or less. I keep having dreams that I give birth to this tiny tiny baby. She only weighs about 3.8lbs. In my dream i can see the scale. I am hoping for a 5lb baby at least. :) I just hope that this dream was due to my doc talking to me about my measurements. But i have had it several times even before he said something so i am going to ask for a fetal growth u/s just to put my nerves at ease. I mean all he can say is no. But i am known to usually get my way with the u/s. ;) So 2mths from today (or less) she will be here with us. I have so much to do. We are going to work on some of the stuff this weekend and rearrange rooms and work with my 2yro on sleeping in a big girl bed so she does not think the baby is going to be taking her bed. I also have a ton of school work to get done so i can pass my classes. I dont know what i was thinking by taking a full load this semester.But i can do it right?! lol. 2 weeks from this saturday is my baby shower and then i will go and get the going home outfit. I also found the bedding that i would like. Dh likes this bedding also. So that is awesome! Anywho i had to let everyone know that i am so happy that i have less than 2mths of being pregnant!
This morning was a rough one and i told aaron we are trying to get this girl out after the mark where they wont stop labor. He totally agreed. So lots of pineapple, adult activities, epo, and rasberry leaf tea. :)

Still here and still pregnant! :)

Hello all. I am still here and still pregnant. I am still hanging out at 2cm dilated and definitely open at top and bottom now which is what he thought last week. We are thinning more but not a dying concern of his right now. I have to go back next week and have another FFN done. He said he would not be surprised if it did pop up + bc how consistent my contractions are getting and staying at times. She is measuring behind by 1.5wks but he said that could be the way she was laying and that if he she is still measuring behind then we will do an u/s just to make sure her little home in there is treating her nicely. :) Today i feel like her tore my cervix up. I know he was gentle but my gosh it hurts. All i am asking her to do is wait until after the 27th of september. Remember gotta be pregnant for my baby shower. lol. Doc pushed back my induction day to the 11th of November due to a meeting he has to attend to. (what crap!) but he said alisha i am just booking it just to give you peace of mind. He said frankly i can't see you making it past the first week of November. I so want to go in labor on election day. I just think it would be funny! lol. Or while i am tot'ing with my kids. Now that would be hilarious! I have so much to get done between now and next month. Tons of cleaning and rearranging and school. Next week is the fair. Don't fret i will have my handy wheelchair to cart me around. :) Anywho. I will update after my full appt on Monday at 315pm cst.

Headed to the OB's

well i thought i would let everyone know while i am waiting for my mom to pick me up that i am headed to the ob's office. contrx every 3-5mins and we attempted pills but they are not working so he is thinking he will just have to give me a shot. I am praying that is all. Frankly i am so sick of this. Done, tired, and ready to throw my towel in. I dont know that i can take 8 more weeks of this or 60 days of this crap. Anyways if you dont hear anything we are okay. If anything crazy happens dh will update the blog.

My uterus and i are fighting again!

Hello all. Well here i sit praying my lovely meds will kick in. I am having contrx every 1.5 mins lasting 30secs. I am seriously tired of this crap. I refuse to go to L&D. They will just say eh it is what it is. I can wait till my ob opens tomorrow for a cervical check. I do believe i lost the last part of my mucus plug today or whatever regenerated. Sorry for the rant but come on seriously is 11.5wks of this crap enough? Can we get some peace and silence going on for a say 3.5 - 4 wks please? Well i am headed off to take some benedryl and lay on the left side and doc just called back and wants me to pop yet another pill and see what happens.
Dang uterus just be quiet for a while. ugh.

3D u/s was a bust again! :(

Hello all. So we went to our 3D u/s yesterday and again the lil lady was not a cooperative person. I am beginning to think this is how she is going to be when she comes out too. The lil lady would not even give us a descent shot of anything. So here is one of her arm. Pretty defined one if you ask me for a 2D but that is about it. We are going to try again on the 27th God willing she is not in the world by then. (Better not be! lol)

29 wk update

Hello all. So sorry for the delay in updating. I had my ob appt on the 2nd of sept. It went okay. Weight sucked. But whatever. I am so over that now. I dont even look at the scale now. lol. Bp was great, hb was wonderful, and she loved kicking the nurse. So doc comes in and says alisha can we really not make 2 weeks without an event going on? Yeah sorry buddy you know that is just one of the things i strive for to make our lives more complicated! Right on! lol. He did my FFN and it came back with a 5% chance of delivering in two weeks. I will take that! Thanks for my 2wk pass and getting me to 31wks. :) Then he checks my cervix and says OH you need to sit up we need to have a talk. Um whatever happen to happy cheery dude? lol. Well anyways i am 2cm, 25% effaced. I have lost my mucus plug which i thought i did. He said again that it can regenerate so not to douche (yeah like i do it everyday! jk), use tampons, have sex, or use any deodarant soaps around that area. So yeah. We mentioned our induction date and he just laughed and said hun we will make sure you are scheduled for the 7th but i can't see you making it till then. But we are going to prove him wrong. I need to wait until November 1st at least. I want to take my girls tot'ing! :) I already got their halloween costumes and everything. :) He said by chance you do make it to 38wks he would probably be begging me to have an induction. lol. So that is the jist of it. I go back on the 15th of sept. I have my 3D scan this saturday. I am so hyped for that. I just hope she performs for me.

A little frustrated (warning there is a rant post here! lol)

Hello all. Well we still have a baby in here. Which is great news. Contrx on and off but what is new. The one thing that is new everytime i move from sitting to standing i feel like i am leaking a bit. I am praying that is my crazy brain. Also i had to make a grocery store trip real quick and since then it feels as though she is going to fall out and my cervix is ripping open. Last night was a whirl wind. Contrx every 2 mins for a bit got them shut up. Then i thought i would go see my cousin since he just came back from his boot camp for the marines. On the drive my uterus decides she wants to make herself known too. I DONT THINK SO! lol. So after our night i get home and find that i am BLEEDING AGAIN! ERH! This time it was not from some crazy nurse who was murdering my cervix either. I dont know what started this deal. Before anyone mentions NO SEX OR STIMULATION WAS DONE! Lord bless the on call nurses bc i know they dont know that everyone and their mom asks me that but last night i almost bit her head off. lol. Hmm maybe my uterus would shut up if she did have some action! lol . jk! So that is that. I have an appt tomorrow at 320pm so we will know what is going on downstairs.
Ah btw baby girl says hello. She is kicking up a storm. :)
WARNING MY RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Okay for my rant. So i talk to my mom today and she says oh have you talked to A (cousin on my dad's side of the family that is pregnant with her surprise bundle that she does not want. ah you prob remember that rant sometime ago. lol) I was like no what is her deal. So she called to ask if i would be there at the birth. Umm NO! I can't drive to Yukon much less to Tulsa without contrx! I mean at least there i had tons of family that could have hopped in my car and drove crazy rat speed and got me to the hossy. :) So my mom told her no and that she was sorry and she got MAD! She was like why not? Does she not know this is my special day and i want her there? So my mom trys explaining the severity of the situation (shots, two different pills, modified bedrest, and frequent trips to l&d and docs) She still says is she mad at me and blah and blah. Then she asks if i coming for her shower. Okay i wish i could but i can't! Personally i don't think i want to really. I have alot of emotional issues that i deal with with my losses and she just happens to be due around the time of my second loss and plus why would i want to go up there and be with someone who lets you know all the time how easy it is to get pregnant when you forget the condom and how she does not want this baby. PULEASE! I would probably strangle her! We did tell her we would come up after her baby is born and bring our gifts and what not to her. I might even send a care package. Just to show i am really not that careless and heartless. Plus she is back with the same man she was with when she had her first dd. He is the one that was so rude and belligerent when i drove up there to be with her when she was giving birth to her bc her man said that this was a bastard that was being born and he was not the father. Yeah he told the nurses to escort me and my mom out. Eh whatever. My nephew was born that night too so i got to be with him. :) But really i just don't think she understands this situation. So now she is upset about it all. I mean what can i do? I am NOT going up there and then go in labor up there that is for sure!