1 yr today Angel Robert went to heaven

1 year today my life was totally changed. The way i would view pregnancy, people, and aspects of life. 1 yr ago today i had to walk in the hospital and sign in at the pre-op desk and tell them what i was there for. I would soon lose the best surprise of my life.
On August 26th i found out i was pregnant. After many struggles with endo and if we were really baffled as we thought we never could get pregnant on our own. We were so happy. Not what was planned but hey that is life right. So i call the doc. Get an u/s and find out i am already 6wks pregnant. Holy smokes. I did not have a period in almost 2yrs due to pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding of Alexus. there on the screen was a tiny bean with a flicker of a hb. I instantly fell in love. Fast forward to my prenate appt and u/s my life would change walking in the u/s room. She puts the wand on my belly and turns the screen FAST! I knew something was wrong. She has me leave the room and wait for the ob. I am sobbing. He walks in and says "alisha the baby does not have a hb." I thought i was living a nightmare.. I mean i had to be just dreaming. Not me.. Not us! That is not the way pregnancy ran in my books. So then we were asked what we wanted to do. Wait it out, pray it happens fast, or have a dnc and do some cultures on the "product of remains". We opt for the dnc as i could not stand the thought of having a dead "embryo" in me. So the next morning 9/20 my only son as i would find out would be taken from me. I remember crying so hard in the OR. I made the nurse anth girl cry, the or staff cry, and my poor ob is like hun you have to settle down so we can sedate you. I just could not do it. I could not handle the thought of this happening.Finally they got me sedated and did their job. I woke up in the recovery room and just started crying again. How could they do this.. Why. The nurses were so compassionate there. Held my hands and told me it was going to be okay and that i would be blessed again and i would walk out of the hospital again with a baby. I just kept crying and one of my post op nurses had to leave bc she started crying and could not handle it.
That was the day i felt like my life went to hell and back. I still hear the words there is no hb alisha. Last night ihad a dream i was living it all over again. Why.. Not fair at all.

Angel,
Mommy misses you so much. I would have love to known who you would have looked like. Were you going to be tall and thin or medium and chunky. :) Were you going to be an easy baby or would you give your mommy a run for her money. I would have loved to have those first moments with you and hold you and rock you. Daddy misses you to he just expresses it differently. My heart aches all the time. Please know mommy loves you so much and will never forget you. Please watch over your sisters, daddy, and I. Please watch over this baby in mommy's belly and help keep her safe. Know that she is not taking the place in my heart for you. Just adding to mommy's heart. Angel i dont think no one can imagine the pain and heart ache mommy feels right now. Angel knows mommy thinks about you everyday. I love and miss you so much.
Love you,
Your mommy