4 weeks today!

Hello there. I am sitting here at my desk at work just thinking. (bad thing when its me. lol) I am kind of hurting right now. Yesterday for me was a whirlwind day. I had to go to the hospital and do this test. Well when i go in my xray room i notice baby conffetti on the floor. It was a blue balloon and a baby rocking horse. Wondering if that is a sign from the dear lord up above that my angel was definitely a boy. (been asking for a sign) Anywho. Now that you think i am nuts. lol. Later on during the challenging day. I see a preemie come down for his xrays. Beautiful baby. I just wanted to wrap him up and give him a hug. I just miss my baby and the pg feeling. I would have taken a preemie. God i just would have loved my baby no matter what! Then as i am coming home from the hospital i see a double rainbow. I was so awesome! Gave me a little bit of peace. Then after i picked up the girls i went and headed to meet aarons mom. I pulled up to a stoplight and of course it was on red. Right next to baptist. I just had this squeezing feeling on my chest like i could not breathe. Then just wanted to ball my eyes out. As i pull from the stop light i just cry. I WANTED MY BABY!!! I have to drive by this hospital every day and it just takes all that i have to not to have to cry. Today is just so hard.
The dreams also wont stop. Last night i had a dream i was pg with twin boys. I mean can these dreams stop. kwim. I would love a good nights sleep. I would love to go a night without crying or being all depressed. I would love to get pg again. I want to hold a baby up to my chest and love on it. okay well that is enough for me.