Hello there. I am sitting here at my desk at work just thinking. (bad thing when its me. lol) I am kind of hurting right now. Yesterday for me was a whirlwind day. I had to go to the hospital and do this test. Well when i go in my xray room i notice baby conffetti on the floor. It was a blue balloon and a baby rocking horse. Wondering if that is a sign from the dear lord up above that my angel was definitely a boy. (been asking for a sign) Anywho. Now that you think i am nuts. lol. Later on during the challenging day. I see a preemie come down for his xrays. Beautiful baby. I just wanted to wrap him up and give him a hug. I just miss my baby and the pg feeling. I would have taken a preemie. God i just would have loved my baby no matter what! Then as i am coming home from the hospital i see a double rainbow. I was so awesome! Gave me a little bit of peace. Then after i picked up the girls i went and headed to meet aarons mom. I pulled up to a stoplight and of course it was on red. Right next to baptist. I just had this squeezing feeling on my chest like i could not breathe. Then just wanted to ball my eyes out. As i pull from the stop light i just cry. I WANTED MY BABY!!! I have to drive by this hospital every day and it just takes all that i have to not to have to cry. Today is just so hard.
The dreams also wont stop. Last night i had a dream i was pg with twin boys. I mean can these dreams stop. kwim. I would love a good nights sleep. I would love to go a night without crying or being all depressed. I would love to get pg again. I want to hold a baby up to my chest and love on it. okay well that is enough for me.
Showing posts with label Angel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Angel. Show all posts
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Lonely night tonight!
Hey there. I am sitting here typing away while both girls are sleeping and hb is out playing with his friends at the bar. You may ask why am i not there? Well no 1 no sitter and then no 2 just time to be with the guys. My hb as much as i would like to gripe and belly ache is a wonderful guy. Puts up with alot of my crap.
But i am just having one of those nights. I miss my best friend tara. I could always count on her to make me smile in jr high and high school. She was left brain and i was her right. Vice versa. I miss being able to cry on her shoulder. She would let me talk and talk and would never tell me she is too busy to listen. Just an angel.
Tonight i just feel so lonely. Hb being gone and friends is a touch and go kind of issue. Some just feel uncomfortable around me like they dont know what to say or such. But i am human i can still be talked to and still laugh and love. I dont get this. I dont stray away from then when they need me. But that is what a true friend is for for the thick and the thin. Now i have a couple of friends that are just wonderful but we all have our own busy lives.
One thing is i want to say thanks to ben for just letting me ramble. Wonderful friend. Ladies if you need a man i know where to hook you up at! Then my man d. Now we have been on some rollercoasters together and wow he is still a sweetie! To all my others that are awesome keep doing what you are doing bc it does touch peoples lives.
Sometimes though i just wonder and think about the hs days. When i counted on my friends. I had quite a few of them. When my least worry was what i needed to wear or bring to class. I just miss having all of that socialization. Now it is like my hb, kids, some friends, and my dog. Well thanks for letting me ramble.
Alisha
But i am just having one of those nights. I miss my best friend tara. I could always count on her to make me smile in jr high and high school. She was left brain and i was her right. Vice versa. I miss being able to cry on her shoulder. She would let me talk and talk and would never tell me she is too busy to listen. Just an angel.
Tonight i just feel so lonely. Hb being gone and friends is a touch and go kind of issue. Some just feel uncomfortable around me like they dont know what to say or such. But i am human i can still be talked to and still laugh and love. I dont get this. I dont stray away from then when they need me. But that is what a true friend is for for the thick and the thin. Now i have a couple of friends that are just wonderful but we all have our own busy lives.
One thing is i want to say thanks to ben for just letting me ramble. Wonderful friend. Ladies if you need a man i know where to hook you up at! Then my man d. Now we have been on some rollercoasters together and wow he is still a sweetie! To all my others that are awesome keep doing what you are doing bc it does touch peoples lives.
Sometimes though i just wonder and think about the hs days. When i counted on my friends. I had quite a few of them. When my least worry was what i needed to wear or bring to class. I just miss having all of that socialization. Now it is like my hb, kids, some friends, and my dog. Well thanks for letting me ramble.
Alisha
Anger!!
This post is full of rant to be honest! Life after my m/c is crazy. My first instinict when someone says something to me is to want to hurt them back after they something hurtful. I understand that they dont know what to say but come on! Especially people who have experienced a death period in a family should know what they dont want said to them! Some of the many stupid remarks that i have had to put up with:
- good thing it happened now instead of later
- you have two, three would have been alot!
- are you still pregnant? (after they already know!)
- did you have an abortion?
- cherish the two you have (like i dont!)
So there is just a sneak peek of the ones that i have had to encounter. oh sorry i save the best for last! are you going to ttc again?when? how? (uh we dont have to be rocket scientist to figure that out!) do you think your healthy can handle it?
yeah i am about ready to punch someone. good thing i am seeking out support otherwise i probably would have!
alisha
My first post
Hi there. I am alisha 23 years old. I am a wife of 5yrs to aaron 32 yro. I have three children. Genesis who is 2.5yro, alexus who is 13mths, and an angel named Angel Robert who went to heaven on 9/20/07.
We have many dogs, cats, and any other thing that you can think about. We are very laid back people.
While writing my blog and posting my journey on how i am healing and couping and ttc another baby, i ask a few things... I ask that if you dont like what i say click the x in the upper right hand corner as it is a freedom of speech. Please dont leave comments if you dont have anything nice to say. You are more than welcome to follow my blog and go through the triumphs and tradgedies of my family. We would love to have the support. If you ever need pregnancy loss support just email me through my profile or leave a comment.
Now a little history on what is going on and happening. Genesis is amazing and she is learning things new every day, oh and she has her own little personality. Then Alexus is following right behind her. Kinda funny how they act toward each other. So yeah.
Well when i 17 yro (or about then) i found out i have endometriosis. Scar tissue that grows to cover the uterus and such. So when i met my husband and we decided we wanted children we were told NOW not LATER! So we did. We did every sort of hormone, sex regimen, diet, cross your legs this or that way. We did IT! lol. So after surgery 2-22-04 to get pg, 6weeks later we got pg with Ms. Genesis. Had a very rough time keeping this kid in! She wanted OUT! Then i happily breastfed her for a while then found out i was having a right side kidney issue. So i had to quit. Then we found out the endo had grown back while pg and then while breastfeeding when it is not supposed to happen. Yeah my freaking great! So my doc says Now or Never again. So we have surgery 12-2-05 and get pg 3 weeks later. We had a battle again with preterm labor and then had a healthy baby then too. So my hb and i decide eh i think we are done for 5yrs. I longed to have a 3rd child and wanted a boy but i knew that hb did not. So i was in ultimate pain lately and decided to make a hysterectomy consult. We had decided enough was enough and we were going to do it. The appt was supposed to be on 9-10-07 but on 8-31-07 i found out i was pregnant NATURALLY! My first response was HOLY SHIT! At first i did not understand. Something in my body told me to take a test. I had not had a period at all since giving birth to alexus (9/06). So that is what i did. Many of them too. So yeah. I freaked and my husband freaked. Then we were so excited! We called the doc and i was very cautious this time around i dont know why. I went in and found out i was 5wks and 3days pregnant. So exciting. Then a few more weeks goes by and i am about to go on vacation. I was going to figure out how to tell my inlaws, friends, and family. Well we went in for a normal u/s on 9/19 and that is when my life went to hell and back. I went in thinking okay this is going to be a good u/s. I had a gut feeling in my car that SOMETHING was very WRONG! but i was like just jitters. The u/s tech poked and proded and there was my lil bean. Then she says i need a vaginal u/s. Got me to wondering but okay. Then says she needs doc to come and look at it. So he sits us in the room. (NEVER GOOD) and says your baby has passed away. He just up and left. He had to go do a delivery. HELLO! My heart feels like it has gotten the shit ripped out of it and you walk away. ERH! So after the delivery he comes in and talks to us saying this and that about the baby. Then scheduled my dnc for 9/20. So i went to the hosp at 3pm and had my dnc done about 530pm. Angel Robert went to heaven at 530pm on 9/20. I dont know a day that i dont miss this angel. This little life touched my heart so deeply. I cry about every day and miss him so much.
I have gone to a couple support groups. They have been wonderful especially PRIDE. Just great. My family has been my life line through this all. My husband has been the husband i could just dream of. I have a necklace in rememberance of my son. (i deemed him my son!) I hold it very close to my heart!
Okay well that is my history on that. So now i will post about the road to recovery, dealing with life, ttc, and my grief with everything.
thanks
Alisha
We have many dogs, cats, and any other thing that you can think about. We are very laid back people.
While writing my blog and posting my journey on how i am healing and couping and ttc another baby, i ask a few things... I ask that if you dont like what i say click the x in the upper right hand corner as it is a freedom of speech. Please dont leave comments if you dont have anything nice to say. You are more than welcome to follow my blog and go through the triumphs and tradgedies of my family. We would love to have the support. If you ever need pregnancy loss support just email me through my profile or leave a comment.
Now a little history on what is going on and happening. Genesis is amazing and she is learning things new every day, oh and she has her own little personality. Then Alexus is following right behind her. Kinda funny how they act toward each other. So yeah.
Well when i 17 yro (or about then) i found out i have endometriosis. Scar tissue that grows to cover the uterus and such. So when i met my husband and we decided we wanted children we were told NOW not LATER! So we did. We did every sort of hormone, sex regimen, diet, cross your legs this or that way. We did IT! lol. So after surgery 2-22-04 to get pg, 6weeks later we got pg with Ms. Genesis. Had a very rough time keeping this kid in! She wanted OUT! Then i happily breastfed her for a while then found out i was having a right side kidney issue. So i had to quit. Then we found out the endo had grown back while pg and then while breastfeeding when it is not supposed to happen. Yeah my freaking great! So my doc says Now or Never again. So we have surgery 12-2-05 and get pg 3 weeks later. We had a battle again with preterm labor and then had a healthy baby then too. So my hb and i decide eh i think we are done for 5yrs. I longed to have a 3rd child and wanted a boy but i knew that hb did not. So i was in ultimate pain lately and decided to make a hysterectomy consult. We had decided enough was enough and we were going to do it. The appt was supposed to be on 9-10-07 but on 8-31-07 i found out i was pregnant NATURALLY! My first response was HOLY SHIT! At first i did not understand. Something in my body told me to take a test. I had not had a period at all since giving birth to alexus (9/06). So that is what i did. Many of them too. So yeah. I freaked and my husband freaked. Then we were so excited! We called the doc and i was very cautious this time around i dont know why. I went in and found out i was 5wks and 3days pregnant. So exciting. Then a few more weeks goes by and i am about to go on vacation. I was going to figure out how to tell my inlaws, friends, and family. Well we went in for a normal u/s on 9/19 and that is when my life went to hell and back. I went in thinking okay this is going to be a good u/s. I had a gut feeling in my car that SOMETHING was very WRONG! but i was like just jitters. The u/s tech poked and proded and there was my lil bean. Then she says i need a vaginal u/s. Got me to wondering but okay. Then says she needs doc to come and look at it. So he sits us in the room. (NEVER GOOD) and says your baby has passed away. He just up and left. He had to go do a delivery. HELLO! My heart feels like it has gotten the shit ripped out of it and you walk away. ERH! So after the delivery he comes in and talks to us saying this and that about the baby. Then scheduled my dnc for 9/20. So i went to the hosp at 3pm and had my dnc done about 530pm. Angel Robert went to heaven at 530pm on 9/20. I dont know a day that i dont miss this angel. This little life touched my heart so deeply. I cry about every day and miss him so much.
I have gone to a couple support groups. They have been wonderful especially PRIDE. Just great. My family has been my life line through this all. My husband has been the husband i could just dream of. I have a necklace in rememberance of my son. (i deemed him my son!) I hold it very close to my heart!
Okay well that is my history on that. So now i will post about the road to recovery, dealing with life, ttc, and my grief with everything.
thanks
Alisha
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