Thoughts for today.

So today has been quite the day. I had clinical today and that alone was a challenge. My good friend who is usually by my side through this was not there. She would no longer be there. It was hard to walk in there and hold my head up. I wanted to cry all day long. For once I took a lesson from it. I can not want to do things for other people. I need to want to do it for myself. (I am sure this statement did not make sense) But I have to want to become a nurse for myself. Not for my family, my friends, or anybody or anything else. And today I realized that I want it so bad for myself. I love the job. Today was not a very positive day but every patient I saw I tried to help or make a small positive impact on.
One thing I find difficult is relating to normal people now. This girl was in the hospital and says she was upset because she had been in for 2 days. I was like really seriously 2 days. I have been in and out 2 years more in than out most times. But to them its a huge thing. I hate that the disease has changed my feelings and identity so much.I used to be able to say yeah my kids are driving me nuts and be okay. Now when i even remotely think of that I feel so guilty and any mom has the moments where they go my kids are driving me nuts.
So yeah. Starting this weekend I start my exercise routine. This should be interesting and you might read alot of ouchies. lol.
I will try and post a blog tomorrow. I have an email and stuff for american airlines to do. Wish me the best of luck. If it comes through I will share the news.