Merry Christmas and ramblings..

Hi there. So Merry Christmas first of all. We had a good day. The girls had such a blast opening their gifts. Aaron was a sweetheart and got me a leather jacket and a windbreaker suit that i wanted. :) Fun stuff. Genesis just had so much fun. She thought every gift was hers. It was so nice getting to talk to my family and have some fun. Much needed. So that is that.

Okay now.. Life has been hectic. With everything that has been going on. I had a bad cold/infection and it was crap. Took gene to urgent care and they misdiagnosed her. ERH! I could slap them. So we found out it was a sinus infection and not Pink eye. She had her christmas program and it was so cute! I can't belive my baby is getting so big. Then i went to the doc for my cold and she noticed a heart mumur. So she had me do all this bloodwork. We found out my B12 is really low. So now i have to take supplements for that. Then she wants me to talk to the ob about preventing another mc. But hello dont you think i have asked that???! So i had a stress test done and it went great! Today i had a u/s of my heart and we wont have the results on that for a while. He says tomorrow but i am thinking in medical terms that means 7-10days. lol. Just depends what they find right. So yeah. That is about that.
On the ttc front. I never got my peak on my fertility monitor and i am bummed. Aaron would not bd unless i had a peak. wth?? So yeah. We did bd one day and hope that is enough but prob not. Just kinda hoping that we get our BFP in 2008. Hopefully before the July deadline. I really want to do this on my own and not have surgery. So here it goes to another month of ttc.
On the healing on the m/c front. I just want to get back to the old me. I hate the new me. I can't stand being depressed when i see a pg woman. I can't stand not being happy for my cousin. You probably think the solution is be happy. Wish it was just that easy. My cousin was griping about the pg woes and how she would not wish this stuff on anyone. Well i wish i was just still pg. Then she calls and asks me about her baby shower list. HELLO. What part of lost my baby do you not get. I dont want to help with her shower list. Yes selfish but i have my reasons. She is due the same day i was. So yeah just feels like a knife cutting that wound. I just want to know when i am going to get a step up and feel better about all this. KWIM??
Well i think that is about it for now. I am going to go take a nap. I am so freaking tired.

Friday

Today is Friday. It is going okay. Yesterday was the christmas memorial and it was really good. I cried like a baby from the moment i walked in to the moment i walked out. I just wish i had to have to be there. kwim. I wanted to feel my angel kicking and moving and the hiccups. But i know God has a plan. I just have to keep telling myself that! Very very frustrating. But they gave us an ornament with our Angel's name on it. I am definitely going to hang it on my tree! They also played a song by Natalie Grant... Held. OMG balled my eyes out. my bff baby passed away and then right away this song came on. just reminded me of her. This just sucks. But i am looking for 2008 and hoping that we get blessed with another sticky baby.
Alisha

Thursday Ramblings!

Okay so today is thursday and tonight is our christmas memorial for the PRIDE support group that we go to. So far it is such a blessing to go to. We can actually talk about our child being our child and not just a mc pregnancy. KWIM? well yah. i know tonight will be all sorts of emotional but i really need to go.
Then i am wondering why i subject myself to this crap.. I seen one of the girls post on the boards that is due when i was. It was annoucing the gender of their baby. My heart just crushed bc i know i was supposed to be finding out. I just want to go hide in a hole when this stuff happens. I just wanted that baby so badly. I know i will hopefully get another chance.
I am so ready to be over this depression stuff. I hate being tired all the time and not really wanting to do anything or be motivated about anything.
i just have one question for God: WHY GIVE IT TO ME WHEN YOU TOOK IT RIGHT AWAY?
Alisha

Sunday sunday!

Hi all today is sunday... Well to start off it is very cold outside. Sucks bc well it is icy out and snowy. In oklahoma not a good mixture is all i have to really say. lol. People get their panties in a wad and freak out. Hello this is oklahoma people we get snow and ice in the winter. Anywho..

I had a wonderful annv. Dh woke me up thursday with roses and a card. Then after work he took me to dinner and gave me a really nice watch. I LOVE IT. Then i gave him his ipod... which i have to say i am not as impressed with this as i thought i would be! But he was ever so excited. So anywho. I had a nice night being able to eat dinner by myself and enjoy every bite! After dinner we went to the hotel and had a nice time there.. Only complaint is dh wanted to watch tv.. Uh hello we can watch tv at home! erh! But yeah.. The next morningwe went to breakfast at our little snazzy place we like to go to. So it was nice. We had some intentions of going christmas shopping for the girls but i stupidly went and got the mail and damn wouldn't you know it had to ruin my freaking day. The damn insurance company sends me this healthy preg club bull shit that i have to do. WTF? How long does it have to be post-loss that they get the freaking hint? i mean they have sent me statements saying i owe this portion. uh hello nimrods thanks for bringing it back in my face. BTW i have repeatedly told them i have had a m/c. I went off. I called and i let them all have it. I dont want another mc mother to have to go through this ever again!
But yeah that is the synopsis of that. (sorry for the late post)

AF is here! Anniv week

Hi there. Well she showed saturday while i was shopping at wal-mart. could not have the courtsey to show while i was at home. then had to be a real pia. i am in so much pain. i was crying and dh says hun i will try so hard next month to get you knocked up. lol. yeah thanks babe! so this month we shall try but not going to focus really hard on it. i want to get a good grade on my finals then we can proceed to getting that baby.
so this month wil be our first month to use our Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. I am excited but not holding out hope. kwim... but december has been a good month to us bf so hopefully again. i would not mind another september baby. i would be extremely happy to find out after new year's that i am pg. good way to start the year.
also this week is my 5yr annv. we are not really doing a whole lot for our annv. just maybe a motel and dinner or something. we have two annv's and i think the church one is going to have to be the big one this year. we are so busy with work and such but we are going to make time for each other. i am excited about making it 5yrs. i love my dh, we have been through alot in 5yrs. i hope we can make it a lifetime!
back to the ttc front. i have been researching foster to adopt and am thinking alot about it. the only problems i forsee going with it is aaron's family wont be too keen about us adopting a child when they think we dont have a ton of money to be giving our children. but we are not poor by any stretch of the imagination. whatever in the end i think it is our decision. i want a big family. we shall see if that happens in due time. I guess when God wants whatever to happen he will grant it to us. I am praying so hard.
have fun.