10 mths since you went to heaven!

10 mths today i found out there was no heart beat for angel robert. 10mths today i would never look at life and pregnancy the same way. 10 mths today i would never feel hurt and anger the way i had ever felt it. 10mths ago my heart just got crushed. To some it was just some cells with a beating heart. To me it was a life that was forming that was going to join my family.
Today my heart aches pretty bad. I miss my angel alot. I see quite a few women with their babies and just envy that. Even though i have one growing like a weed in my belly. Please dont get me wrong i love the one i have and am very grateful for it. But my heart still grieves the one i lost.
Tonight i am very sad at the fact that i can't come up with a name for my child bc i am too afraid that something will happen. I am too afraid to get maternity clothes or even a mat bra bc i am too afraid something will happen. For one moment in my life i just wish i could turn back time and change things. how i dont know but i just wish i could. Being an angel mother and a pal is so gut wrenching. I want to name this baby so bad but my brain says nada. I want to look at going home outfits but again my brain says nada. Why can't i go back to being the normal me. The regular alisha! Why do i have to feel so robbed inside?!
Lord for one moment can i have some peace and sanity back. Can i go back to that innocence that i used to have. Where i thought a+b always equaled c.

Angel,
This is your mother.. I just wanted to tell you that i love you so much. I never stop thinking of you. Every little boy i see when i am out. I always think of you. I think what would he have looked like. Papa says you would have had a full head of hair unlike your sisters and would have been a screamer bc they weren't. My heart just breaks when i see newborn boys bc then i think that you were supposed to be my newborn baby to be so proud of and show off. Now i just have an u/s pic that does not do any justice.
When i am out and see a nursing mom, i wonder if we would be nursing or would your dad have swiped that baby bottle and gave it to you. He was so excited at the little thought of maybe having a son. He would have had a blast showing you all those manly things. Zeph swears he would have had you playing xbox in no time. Which no doubts on his ability so i say yep he would have along with your dad. Just the thoughts of this stuff just makes my heart break in half. I just wish i would have gotten to be able to know you and hold you and had fun with you.
Tonight Angel.. mommy misses you so much. I love you and will never forget you. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you. I think about you all the time.
Love always,
Your mommy!
p.s.. please lord.. i ask you to rock my baby to sleep since i can't.