Ramblings

Well i am still here and still pregnant. So i am guessing that is a good thing.
Today i am feeling rather blue. Just really missing my angel robert. Last night was my kid's open house at their school.. and it just made me feel a bit blue when i seen the dad's with their son's and what not. Walking down the hall i see a dad with his 8wk old baby boy.. i just stared for a min watching him love on him. Then my heart broke to pieces. I quickly said i have to go to the bathroom. (Good excuse when your pregnant!) I often wonder how Aaron would have been with his son. How they would have bonded and how he would have taken care of him. I know he would have been a momma's boy that is for sure.
Some part of me is almost regretting the doc telling me the gender of the baby that i lost. I can't for the life of me look at little baby boy stuff and baby boys the same way. I really feel jipped! I dont think it helps that people make comments about "oh you are having your third girl" or "aren't you going to miss out having a son" Well i do have a son but he is heaven. I have the paper to prove it in my med chart. I tend to think i am doing great with my emotions till people say stuff like that.
I think that some of my hormones are also getting to me today. I am so nervous about everything coming. Then i feel so guilty for not bonding with this pregnancy. I know it is normal that pal's do that but just does not feel right to me. Scares me about what if i dont bond after i have her. What if i dont get to take her home? I dont want to leave that hossy empty handed 3 times in a row!
I guess today.. i just really miss my angel and am an emotional bag. One thing i pray is that Angel Robert watches over this baby and his momma as we are about go thru this journey in 18 days! I also pray that this baby knows that i am not replacing.. i am adding to my family.