So first things first.. updates. K's grandma is doing much better. She is still in the hospital but recovering nicely. She got an infection that went into her blood stream. But they are getting her healed up nicely. We have not been able to go see her bc of Kenadie's immune system. Lord knows we don't need anything else piling on. So ms K.. well we went two days without calling the doc. I am holding the call until the morning. But she is doing okay.
So i am bummed a bit. Last night ms k was out at the store with me and she turned a nice shade of red/purple.. Now those colors look great on clothing but not on my baby. She self corrected after about 5 secs. Breathing a bit irratic and self corrected about a min. So i tried to put it out of my mind. Well tonight her aunt tonya was with me and she decided she was going to turn pale and grey and sounded like she just could not get much air for a sec or two. I quickly snatched her out of her carseat checked her pulse rubbed her sides and the girl was SCREAMING! lol. I dont know if she refluxed a bit or what. But really she is just not acting her self so i will be calling the pedi.
Tonight i feel like crying. Why.. I really can't nail it. I might just need to sit down and have a good cry. Realisticly i know why. I let some stupid as# teenagers get to me. I was at the mall with ms k, lexus, gene, and her aunt tonya. K would not take the bottle and there were 4 teens sitting across from us. So i go about my merry self and start hearing chuckling and look over and they are staring at my baby and laughing. I wanted to haul off and smack the shi# out of them. This is my baby who almost went to heaven and you want to laugh at her. What crap. So i try not to let it bother me.. and the little teeny boppers just kept staring. So i calmly got up took ms k to their table and said "while you are staring at my daughter.. i thought i would let you know this is how she eats. she almost died of heart failure and had open heart surgery and she has to eat this way due that and some other issues. so next time you would love to joke around just remember that!" Genesis asked why they were talking about Kenadie. ARGH! I really want to protect my daughter with all my being. She is my miracle and sometimes people just dont get that. Another thing that gets to me.. is i constantly feel like i am watching her. I am always assessing her. Watching her breathing, looking at her skin tone, making sure she is not sweating, analyzing her eating habits or her behavior.. why can't i just get to enjoy my baby. Why can't i just be okay with it all! This sucks. I guess tonight i am just having a really rough night. I honestly would liketo know why God trusts me so much. I keep telling myself that God needed a special mommy for kenadie and he just would not pick just any random person so he picked me. Sometimes though i feel like he is putting me through a nightmare. Like two losses was not enough. I know i am blessed to have my child living and doing well. Please know i am grateful. Just tonight i am struggling. When i am face to face with people.. I really try and act like i am handling it well. I really try and push it far far away. And i think it finally catches up to me and says gotcha.. you still have to deal with it. I was also asked how i go to work. How can i do it. Realistically sometimes i look forward to it. That is my escape. I am not there to analyze every little thing and i dont have to think about it for a bit. That is until my co-workers decide to bug me about her heart issues and what not. And really i get tired of talking about it. Some days it is okay others NO just leave it alone! Especially when they ask me stupid questions.
Another thing that bums me out is our neighbor girl looked through our door and she said why is your house a mess? Hmm let me see i have 3 children.. 4,2,3mths and if your not feeding kenadie or doing meds your getting the next one ready. I am trying.. I am going to school, work, taking care of kids, trying to be a wife, and everything else under the sun. Ah i dont know what isup with me tonight beyond the fact i am just emotional. I think part of me is really trying to deal with this wide range of emotions. I am getting so angry and hurt again. I thought i was at peace with those feelings. But no i am not I guess. I dont get things. I dont get why a baby has to die or why a kid get cancer. Or why my child has to have a heart defect why some crack addict gets a perfectly healthy kid. Or why my friends baby has to stay in the hospital for a long time and a dhs baby gets to go home right away. I know life is not fair.. I just dont get it.
I think i am going to start going back to counseling and see if the lady's at the support group can shed some light on how they cope with things. I know my child's heart condition is not as bad some others but for me.. it is bad enough. kwim. Thanks for reading my ramblings if you read them. I have offically had a good cry now and i think i am going to go to bed.
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2 comments:
So glad to here Grandma is doing better.
Try not to let those teens and neighbor girl bother you hon. Teens have no clue, seriously! They can be so ignorant and self-centered and are so not worth it. I am glad you stood your ground and told them what was going on. Maybe that will make them think twice before ever doing that to someone else. HUGE HUGS sweetie! I am always thinking of you and praying for Ms. Kenadie.
You are doing a great job. You are doing the best you can. That is all you can do. You are only human. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is completely normal to have varied emotions. How could you not? Your situation is very stressful. The stress is bound to get to you some time. Do your best to manage your stress and take care of yourself. You need to be good to you. Don't forget that. It is very important.
I wish you continued strength and peace of mind. As well as good health for Kenadie.
Rene
(rfia from ivillage)
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