I need some prayers please!

To anyone that is reading this. I am in need of some prayers. I found out on March 4th that we were pg again. I was only 8 dpo. I have been to several blood draws and so far we are doing good. I just still have some severe doubts and concerns. I have been through this one too many times now to get my hopes up. I felt really positive about the cycle.. Now if that positivity would flow on to this also.
Tomorrow is my cousin's baby shower. I am a bit bummed. That should have been me also. I was due around the same time she was. I should be getting excited to have my first little boy and what i was going to do and stuff. Now i have to sit and watch her open her gifts and be happy for her. It hurts a whole lot. I am dreading the day that my edd comes around. I just want to sleep it away. I am praying that this little bean is the one that makes it and by then we could hear a hb. Tonight i am really missing my baby angel. I would have been almost 33wks pg and i would have given birth at 37wks like i normally do. I just dont understand all this. While i was at walmart getting yet another hpt a very young girl and her mother come up to get one also. She was saying she does not want to see the words pregnant that it is easier to digest the the +. I thought they were talking about sensitivty.. bc bf that they were.. so i mention which ones are the most sensitive.. and the mom says oh we like the walmart brand.. i used them with all my kids and my kids have used them with theirs. mind you the mother is in her LATE 30'S! OMG! huh?! Explain how this is fair again!!!! So the young girl looks at me and says oh yeah i got my + on this with my 1.5yro dd. UH WHAT?! Then the mom says hun i hope you are not you are only 16 you have a life ahead of you.. Well thanks for that slap in the face my friend. The girl looks at me and asks if i am pg.. I say well we hope this time it sticks i have lost 2 bf this and had to do infertility treatment with my other 2. She says oh you only hear of those things.. you never really think people have to deal with them. WTF?! Oh i wanted to smack her.. but i restrained and promptly paid. :)

Lord if you are listening.. My friends on the ttc boards really want to be blessed with sticky healthy babies. They deserve them. WE deserve them. I am grateful what you have already blessed me with but i just want one more and i am happy. PLEASE OH PLEASE LORD.. let this baby stick and be healthy.
AMEN!

I have my next blood draw on tuesday. If we make it that far then that is a blessing and if the numbers are high then we might have some hope of this one staying around. I need tons of prayers. Thanks so much!

Just some ramblings again! :)

Hello to anyone who reads this blog. just some ramblings today.. Today i am 7dpo and not feeling a bit of ips (imaginary preg symptoms) so i am taking it as i am out. I always know right on yes or no. Well minus the surprise with angel though. Just tired all the time with him. :) So today is a bit of a weepy day. I dont know if it is the rain or what. Just kinda sucks. I have been doing so good with my grieving (well lack of it). It seems as though i have just put it in the closet and nailed down the door. Well of course until today. I dont know why i supress things. I just do. It is just my way of coping.
I got maddy's certificate in my email today. I could literally feel my heart sink. It was like alisha no you are not pg any more.. Thanks for the realization.. I appreciate it! The certificate means alot to me. Means that my baby will be acknowleged as a baby and not tissue! My goal is to go to New York.. which defnitely might be happening. My dh and i are trying to decide where we want to go for my edd. I think that we definitely might go to new york sometime though. Maybe in late summer or so.. Maybe on the 1yr.
Also one of the docs today got her 8wk 5 day u/s and she showed me the u/s. Now before anyone says anything.. No i am not mad or anything. It is just a bitter pain. I went in for my 8wk us and found out that Angel was gone. I would not ever get to meet him. So seeing that bean.. oh made me yearn so bad for that again. Brought up a bunch of memories. Which hense this post. lol.
tomorrow is the appt. We shall see how this is going to run.
Thanks for reading!

5 months and just an update

Hi there. Today is the 5 month mark since i lost Angel Robert. This morning was rather hard for me. I just miss my baby so much. I keep thinking what would i be feeling and doing at this point in my pregnancy. This just sucks so bad. I know what i am missing and gosh damn i hate it. I have had two taken away from me and just really want one more to keep here on earth with me.

So here is my update. I go to an IF doc on March 4th. We are going to talk about how to keep a pregnancy inside of me. :) I hope he can provide me some answers and lead me in the right direction. Oh i got some bw done by my pcp and the damn place wont give me my results. she says she is trying to play catch up bc she is behind from when she was out. I did ask if they could fax them to me and got the NO she has to talk to you about them. uh thanks for making me think something is wrong with them. So i am still in the wait for them.
But that is about it.

Updates Updates

Hi all. I had the surgery as planned on 1/18/08. It sucked. I was in tons of pain. They found 15 spots of endo on my uterus/rectum area and 1 large spot on the uterus. So yeah that is where that pain came from. Coming home from it was a nightmare bc i was in so much pain. The meds did nothing at all. It just plain hurt bad. I went back to work on the following tuesday and let me say OUCH!

I am offically in the 2ww. My monitor never picked up a high reading or anything but i was listening to my bod and it said it was about to O. lol. So i went and got some opk's and what would you know.. big fat +. So i baby danced the day bf and the day after. So one can only hope right.

Oh i went and seen my pcp on monday. She ordered RPL testing. (recurrent pg loss) I am not exactly how i want to feel about it. In one way i want an answer then in another one i am not so sure. kwim. So now i am also waiting the answer on that too. In the mean time i am taking baby aspirin. Just in case.

So today is one of those blah days. I just miss my angels. I feel like there is no end to this road. kwim. I went to the gyn today bc one of my stitches busted. he revealed to me that i had a severe case of it. Like really bad. With the severity of it.. A hysto may not cure it when and if i do get pg and have another child. I am just really bummed. I know it will end. And this emotional phase will pass. This just sucks. I never thought i would ever have to experience this.
alisha

Wednesday's ramblings!

Hello to anyone that reads this. Hope all is having a wonderful week so far. So the update of sorts is that i am having my surgery this friday at 2:45. I have to check in at 12:45. I am very nervous about this. Part of me thinks that this may be the answer to the questions and problems that i am having. But another part of me thinks that this is not the answer. I dunno. I guess i just have to leave it up to God and see what happens.
My dh is being so supper supportive right now. He knows how i feel about all of this and is just kinda going with me in everything that i do. I keep wanting to get a second opinon about the length of my cycles. To see if something could be causing a problem. I have read that many of women have gone on Clomid to help these issues and my ob is totally against this. I just dont get it. Kwim. Hello he obviously admits that i have an issue but it is not BIG enough for him to want to tinker with. THANKS ALOT! So i go to my pcp on jan 28th and i am going to consult with her and see if i can get a referral for a second opinon. I feel bad but i just feel like i have an under lining issue. But what do i know.
Lately i have been asking myself if i really need this operation also. And a few hours ago my body let me know that yes alisha you need to go thru this. I am in alot of pain right now! This sucks! :( i am so ready to just be pg again. I am really missing angel right now too. ugh. I feel like if i never had him taken away i would not have to go through this crap! i just want my baby back! :( Any who. That is about the jist of this situation. thanks to whoever reads my post. I hope in february i can post about a +hpt! :)
alisha

Lost another one!

So this morning i was waken from a horrible dream with cramps and a low temp. I went to the potty and poas and it was very very faint +. Then i wiped and bright red blood. Lots of it! So then i knew that my angel had went to heaven yet again! My dream sucked. I had a dream that i had this baby girl she was so beautiful. We named her madaline grace.. she was very sick and i just remember fighting to keep her but was told no that she needed to go home. so we dressed her in a really pretty dress and let her go. I feel like iam a failure. WTH is this happening. I dont get it at all. I am so hurt and pissed. I thought for sure this one would stay with us. We did not tell many people at all so i dont have to go untell people. But my heart just aches. I am so pissed. I want to just hide in my little hole.


A little piece to add to this that i forgot to add.... I went to the er after writing this post bc someone on the board suggested i do so. Well i went and it was horrible. But they did confirm that i lost the baby. In fact i passed the tissue when i had my cervix checked. The doc was really nice and compassionate. But yeah.. I will write more later on that experience.
Alisha

Need some prayers!

Hi all. I am asking whoever reads this for tons of ppt. I found out New Year's Eve that i am pg again. I found out on 8dpo. Well I called the doc today and my beta at 10 dpo is 19. Scares the living crap out of me. That is really low. I am so scared of everything. Chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. I should have just went with my gut feeling and waited until my annual exam on the 9th to tell them i was pg. Why oh why do i not listen to myself. So now i am going to sit here and worry like crap. Well i am really not going to try but you know how it goes. I have no control over this so i am going to just try and relax. But that is easier said than done. I really want a baby. I want to be able to hold a baby in 9mths. There are so many feelings i have right now. I am just so freaking nervous. ERH! Anywho. Thanks so much.
alisha