I guess i tried to hide and put my brave face on. Really right now i am scared out of my wits. I can't stand the fact that i have to watch my child's breathing. Some nights i am so scared to close my eyes for 5 mins in fear that she goes into heart failure. Once you have been there it changes your life forever. I seen her sweat tonight and it was like enough.. I can't take it anymore. This baby deserves a break and fankly i think this momma deserves a mental one also.
I was listening to the mary tyler moore theme song and she will make it after all. :) In fact that is what got me to crying.. I know she is going to make it.. Just tonight i am hurting emotionally and mentally and i am exhausted emoitionally and mentally. sometimes i feel like i am going to break into pieces mentally. like i have had enough and i am done. but i know i can't quit. i am her mother. i am supposed to be her rock and her strength. frankly this sucks sometimes. Just right now.. I guess i just need to cry it out.. kind hard to type while crying but hey the key board needs a good cleaning.
well i leave you with the video i was watching and listening.. i am going to cuddle up to my pillow have a good sob and just pray we get some answers and hope that all will be just fine. I will keep telling myself that she will make it after all. Btw i used to play the mtm theme song when i was pregnant and going through my issues too. I always told my self i could make it after all!
oh and another thing that bothers me a bit.. i am back at work.. so i get the lovely pleasures of coming in on the residency floor of the ob floor. you get to hear of how they dont want to be pregnant or their baby is annoying them. or you see some lady you know who is had one too many hits on crack with a healthy baby. really life is seeming so jaded and not fair to me right now. my friends child dies of brain cancer, another one of my friends children has kidney cancer, and my daughter has heart issues.. and this seems fair HOW????? People keep telling me God has a plan.. I am really trying to believe it. I know these children are so special and will touch many lives but it just does not seem fair. okay well enough for now.. i am tired and i am going to try and get some sleep while aaron is taking his shift of watching kenadie breathing and stuff.
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5 comments:
Oh honey, I know you are hurting and struggling right now. It's hard to be strong all the time and you need a break too. Take some time for yourself and cry if you need to. Life isn't fair and you have seen that fact way too many times, but we pick ourselves up and move on as much as it hurts. You are stronger than you think, and you will get through this. Hang in there, cry, scream, yell, throw things, get it all out....
Then, go back to your Kenadie, hold her, love her, and let God help give you the strength to go on fighting.
Hugs to you....
(((Alisha)))
{{HUGS}} Alisha! "me" is right, take some time for yourself and cry all you need to! I have a shoulder to lend you if you need it.
Oh sweetie! You and Kenadie both deserve some very good news soon. I am always keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers!
((((ALISHA))))
I hope Kenadie and you have had a weekend and that you get some answers soon. You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
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