Bummed!

Hi today. Today is a good day i guess. I had my appt yesterday and it went good i guess. Doc says everything is fine and yes my endo is back. So guess what... it is going to be harder to concieve! Just frustrating to me. I want the baby i lost back. ERH. Anywho.
So yesterday i had my temp shift after a dip which i was somewhat optomistic. but of course my body gives me a low ass temp this morning and bam cramping begins! I am so upset. I just want to be preggo again.
I have had a good cry and told my dh how i feel. I feel like he is not putting his all into this process. Bitches and moans about having sex. Okay if you dont want to have sex with your wife then F YOU. (i am just frustrated right now!) I am going to through crap trying to get pg and he just has to have an orgasim! I know it is probably more complicated then this. ;) But at any rate i am just frustrated and i want to gripe about it. That is what my blog is for.
Oh i was told "you already have 2 kids why gripe and belly ache." uh hello. i dont think anyone should be putting me down or shooting my feelings down bc i already have two kids. that does not make infertility hurt less. Just means i went through hell and back and now i have two precious earth angels and one heaven angel now. I want one more!
I have done some thinking though. I want to focus more on my schooling and not all just on ttc. My grades are suffering and that is not good bc i want to be more than what i am right now. I hate being a secretary! not for me! I want to feel important and do something that i love!
I am going to attempt to not dwell on the process as much next month. Just do my CBEFM.
I want this baby bad but i dont want to risk my marriage and miss that bond with the children that i do have. I feel like i obsess on this matter so much that i dont really give my full attn to where it needs to be.
Have fun and GO OU. game is tom night!

Missing my bean!

Hi there. I know you probably get tired of the same ole post but yeah. Gotta get it out somewhere. lol.
Today is just a up and down kinda day for me. I am sitting here just missing my bean. I was supposed to find out the gender in a couple of weeks so just frustrated right now. Also i get tired of hearing my family say well in this family we are all fertile. NO THE HELL WE ARE NOT ALL FERTILE or i guess i was adopted. They say just relax or all it took was having sex for us. Well NEWSALERT!!! I am having sex. ERH! Oh and mind you the descency of a cousin. She says do you miss your baby????!!!!WTF! How in the HELL do you ask someone a question like that. My only thought was would you miss your son if he passed away! ERH! I just want to cry my eyes out right now! But yeah.
I go to the doctor this thursday and well i am just plain not looking forward to it. I hate going there knowing that is where i found out i lost my baby at... Just the memories of that office just gives me the jibbies! But a girls has to do what a girl has to do. kwim. lol.

On the upside of things. Dh and i will be celebrating 5yrs offically married on Dec 6th. I am excited. I have his annv present already. Went out on black friday and had a wonderful time and got his present. He is so in for a shocker! lol. I cant wait to see his reaction. I would love to find out i am pg that day too. But eh oh well. Next month is always a try too. lol.
Alexus started walking really descent on t-day. It was awesome. And i was there to see it. I work full time so usually i get told about her first. Then genesis is starting to talk more into sentences now. I am so excited bc now she can communicate better with me! Yeah. She turns three at the end of december. How big she is getting.
Well i think that is about it for now.
alisha

Thanksgiving Update!

hey there. today is saturday and i took a pg and got bfn! ugh. but i think i am only 5dpo. i dont care what ff says about it. i got a +opk last saturday i believe. anywho. i went to thanksgiving and survived. she was not there which was almost a blessing to me. but there were other comments that got on my nerves but i guess you cant avoid them all. some people are just too freaking stubborn.
i hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving!
alisha

Two months and counting!

Today is 2mths and 1 day. I meant to write yesterday but i was so busy. Yesterday i had to take genesis with me to the doctor to have a barium follow through. NOT FUN! but we got through it and she is my champ! I love her so much! All of my kids. But yeah. When she wrapped her arms around me and said mommy i love you so much. I was like aww. But yeah. When i got home my hb had locked his keys in the truck! So i knew a local mom who's hb does it for a living and we called him and he came and unlocked dh's truck! But anyways... I had a moment to reflect yesterday and it was saddening but okay. I knew it was the 2mth anniv of my baby being gone and what i was supposed to be experiencing right now. That hurts alot. Hb let me go to bed early last night which was good bc i am just an emotional wreck right now. I dont want to see my cousin by any means right now. She is edd on my edd. So yeah. What will hurt worse is when/if she invites me to the baby shower. kwim. I keep thinking that god has a plan. But anywho i will write more later. i am so freaking tired again today.
alisha

Why can i not think about anything else??????!!!

Okay so today i sit here and i can not wrap my mind around anything else but ttc and ovulating! I would love to go back to the old me where i can just think of what iam going to fix for dinner the next day or when i am going to aerobics! I hate this. I keep telling myself that i am not going to think about it! But how can you not. Seriously this is about the only thing that is keeping my sanity right now. If i dont think of this, then my mind tends to wonder about my angel and such. :( Just wish i still was pg and i would not have to be going through all of this damn mess! I want someone(GOD) to give me my baby back! Now i know what every woman in the world goes through when ttc after a loss. (I never wanted to know that feeling but i guess god wanted to bless me with it!) Every twinge, every move, you just sit and wonder! Enough already! Anywho i have a doctors appt on the 29th of November. I am hoping he will test to see if i am and get a BFP. But if i dont it is on to December! :)
alisha

That kind of day!

Hi there. Today is well one of those crummy days. I did not get much sleep as that is usual in my world now. Then aaron and i have been having some minor issues. I dont feel like he is putting 100% in this ttc thing. I am taking my temp every morning, peeing on sticks till i see blue in the face, watching cm, then feeling my bb's to see what all is going on. And all he can say is hun i am too tired to baby dance tonight. WTF???!!! I mean hello all you have to do is your freaking business. How freaking hard is that?????? It is probably harder than what i think but oh well. I give no sympathy to him. Then today i am just missing being pg with my angel. I want to so badly be able to feel those kicks and stuff. Just hard to accept sometimes. My goal is though to hopefully be pg bf may so i can focus on feeling some little kicks. Wishing this month but i am guessing November is going to a bust month. :( Oh well we will try next month! Oh forget to say i got a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. The fancy one! I am so excited. Also if i am not pg this month i am going to my ob and telling him about the throbbing thing in my lower right side! Just to make sure it is nothing preventing us from getting pg.
Well that is enough complaining for one day. I just miss my baby.

Held a baby!

Today for the first time since my m/c i held a baby for a few breif moments. I work for a neuro clinic and this poor baby was here to get an eeg due to having a stroke at birth. She is just so beautiful. This baby would not stop crying so i stepped outside my office and just had to love on this baby. (mother's loving kwim?) so i went and held this baby and a whirl wind of emotions just wrapped me. It made me realize how much i wanted this again. How much i wanted to hold my baby again and i will never get to. I did not shed one tear in front of that daddy's face. I told him what a good daddy he was being and how much she is so beautiful and such. Right now i just want to sit and have a good cry. To feel the warmth and love come from such a tiny baby. When that baby looked me in the eyes i was like omg i wont get this. But in the same breath it kind of gave me a feeling of that everything is and will be okay. kwim? I wanted to annoucing that i could feel the kicks and such this week but i wont get to. My heart really hurts at the moment.
Oh i think i am in the 2ww also with the ttc. So we shall see.
Alisha