Kenadies update and another surgery

Hello all. Unfortunately we are still in the hossy in dallas. Well good news is her heart is looking great and her fluid levels around it is great. She unfortunately is not gaining weight right now. But the doc said we would see weight loss before weight gain. Today she destated in her sleep which scared the bejezzus out of mom and i. Her doc thinks it is because of her reflux.So that leads us to why we are going to possibly have another surgery. They are wanting to do a neonissin on her to fix the reflux valave so she is not able to asperate in her sleep. We have been there a few times now and i certainly dont want to go back there again. They are going to mediflight us back to baptist and deal with the issues at hand there. The crappy part is we are looking at yet another month of being in the hospital. I seriously dont know how much more the hospital i can stand. I want my baby HOME AT MY HOUSE! This week will mark 2mths in the hospital.
We have many follow up visits on her heart here in dallas. But we are praying that all will continue to stay fine on that.
If we can get some more prayers it would be appreciated. Oh yeah her bp is still yo yoing right now.

Merry Christmas and ramblings..

Hello all. First off Merry Christmas. Ours was an okay christmas. Just thankful i have my baby and family.
I have to apologize first off for the lack of updates. But my body finally just gave out on me. I slept and just layed around for the longest time. Just laying by kenadie's bedside. So we have had a couple set backs. Her upper lobes of her lungs are puffy and hazy. So they are doing therapy to help her with that. Then she is having problems eating. Her O2 levels drop a bit when she eats and she chokes. So now they pushed back our going home time. They are going to do swallow studies to see if she has a swallow problem or just acid reflux. If it is just that then they are talking of still doing a neonis surgery on her so she can keep down her feeds and she wont asperate.
Her bp keeps doing this up down thing right now which is totally normal for a heart baby that has been on bp meds for a long time. It is like her body withdrawls from it.
So on a tentative going home date.. yeah that is still determined. When kenadie had her surgery the surgeon said about 5 days then she could go home. I told myself not to get my hopes up. But i did. So now i am a bit sad about that. Today marks 7 wks in the hospital. I am so ready to have my baby at home!
Oh yeah something great happened. We went and checked in the Ronald Mcdonald house and the house manager told me that she wanted to take me shopping. So after i got settled i went up there and she took me to this room. It was filled with toys.. Omg so many. So she gave me two trash bags and told me to fill them with toys for my girls. Such a blessing since i have not had time to go and get stuff for the girls other than the one gift that i had waiting for them where they were staying. So i can't wait to get home and have our christmas. Also my 4yro birthday is on the 29th.. so i can't wait for her to see what we have for her.
Well that is our update for today.

Update on ms kenadie

Hello all. Sorry for the late update. Sleep deprivation got the best of me last night. Her surgery took about 4hrs. She was extubated around 745pm last night. The first tie did not go so well but the second time went good. Her left lung is kinda on the cranky. So we are trying to keep her calm and resting so she can heal. Her blood loss is okay. They gave her two units during the procedure and will be watching her blood level to see if she needs more. Her chest tubes are doing good.
The surgeon came in this morning and he said kenadie is doing okay. she has some puffieness on her chest and her tube is draining at a steady rate this morning. He did not feel comfy taking out the central line or the art line. He said depending on her we have a day or two more in the icu. They dont like to nail down a day bc she could make up her own mind. She will be having more xrays and tests today.
This experience is so humbling and lord i am ready for this to be over. There are alot of babies on this floor and they could use some prayers too.

Scariest time of my life

Right now is the scariest time in my life. I am trying to keep my mind all preoccupied while waiting for the surgeons updates. I hate that i have no control and that i have to depend on someone else to take care of my child. I am scared of something going wrong and losing my baby. She has my heart and i am so scared.
I keep wondering did i make the right decision. Did i do what i needed to do for her? Did i mess up? My heart just aches.

She is in surgery

She is in the OR right now. We came down to pre op at 7am and they took her about 745. They called to tell us she is under sedation and that she is doing fine. Just a minute ago they called to tell us she ison the bypass machine for her heart and her lungs. (standard protcol) We need tons of prayers that she will do great. The first 48hrs are the most crucial.
alisha

My little drama queen!

So last night around midnight kenadie woke up screaming. I am paranoid about her ng tube and it is a good thing i am. I checked it and sure enough she had pulled out 13cm of it out. I hurridly pushed the stop button on her feeds bc i was scared of it going in her lungs. The nurse came in and examined her then the charge nurse and then xray came. The lungs looked pretty. WHEW! I was SO nervous. They put a new tube down and she was POED! But she had to be a drama queen for a bit. I told her enough of her drama stunts. We are done with those!
So this morning she is a sleepy little girl bc she was awake for a bit yesterday. Usually if she has an awake day the next couple of days she is so exhausted. That is from her heart condition.
All her vitals and what not look great this morning. she had her pre op bw done so we are set there. We are just waiting for those to come back and then we start preparing her for the
OR tomorrow morning. They will be coming and getting her around 6am or so for pre op room downstairs. The procedure itself takes 4hrs or so. I am dreading tomorrow but excited to look forward the future.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. We ask for many more as we head down this journey.

We are here and have a date and time

So we made it to dallas yesterday morning. We got a call at 1am friday morning saying mediflight was on the way to pick us up. They arrived around 345 am or so. So we went to wileypost airport and caught our flight then flew into love airport and took another ambulance here. The crew was so nice and sweet to kenadie. Once we got here we got greeted by many nurses and docs. The level of care here is something else. You get a totally different feeling here. We had another echo where the learned the pressures in her heart are higher than this past week. So they are cocerned about that. While in the echo the dr came in and told us that our surgery is monday morning 730 am. Not once have we heard oh she is so small we need her to gain weight. Nope.. It is the opposite. It is oh we do this all the time here. The surgeon came in today and was so nice. I got this great feeling about him. So that makes me happy. The nurses make us so happy and they have a room just for telemetry monitoring. They see a drop you have nurses running in here. The floor we are on is just cardiac kids. And the nurses are specifically trained just for that. I was so scared coming here but now i can't tell you how grateful i am that we are here. When i got off the mediflight i had this overwhelming calming feeling and then i knew we were going to be okay with her.
So today the surgeon came in and said yep we are going to fix her. Sign this paper and that one. Then he accessed her and told us how beautiful she is. He was really nice and personable. I feel pretty calm about him working on my child.
I miss my other girls really bad. Genesis wants to know when momma is going to come home and i told her that we will be home after sisters heart gets fixed. Alexus is still broke out in her rash so i feel bad that i am not there to comfort her also. But i do know that she is in great hands.

So i have a few moments

So... i have a few moments on my hands. We have a room now at Dallas CHO. They are waiting on mediflight due to the fog here in oklahoma they can not fly in. All flights at the airport have been delayed due to it also.
We are so boggled right now with all this. There was alot that went down yesterday. The surgeon let us know that he was going on vacay and that is one reason why he did not want to operate on Kenadie. Frankly i think that is so unprofessional. Not cool. That is all i have to say. He made me so angry that i can not see straight. There is more but if i went into i would have to smack the man. One thing was that he said i was "pushing" the surgery and not trying my best on her weight gain. So i am glad i know he is a terd so he does not work on my child.
I feel so lost as far as the holidays go. I am going to miss my daughter opening her gifts on christmas. The first christmas where she can tell me what she wants and "santa" made sure that he got what she wanted.
I know people have bigger issues and problems.. But why i really dont get this. After 2 losses i just want my baby at home with my family and enjoy my holidays with them. I keep telling myself that God has a reason and that he has a plan for Kenadie.
Well it is looking like we are going to go tomorrow. The fog is not going to go away until tomorrow morning. So another night here.

Our world turned upside down again

So the cardi came back in today. He said that the doc here does not feel like he can do kenadie's surgery. There is a surgeon that comes down from dallas to do the complicated operations. WTH happened to the best surgeon??? I feel like we were lied to and strung along. So the consensus is that she is going to be transferred to dallas tomorrow or friday. Then they will do the heart surgery on monday. My only problem with this being is that my daughter will be 4hrs away from my family. I will be going down there with her and so wll her dad. The only problem with this is that he will not be getting paid and neither will i. But i am sure it will all work out. Please pray for our family and my daughter. We need some peace and comfort at the moment.

You would know it!

So the cardi comes in this morning and evals kenadie. All is about the same. She lost a bit of weight this morning so he was not happy about that. Then i am like WELL???? He says the surgeon is in the OR right now. What?! So we have to wait until he is done with this case which is about noonish or so then he will talk to him about it. But i did get his recommendation out of him and that is that they want to fix it this Friday. But i am not going to shoot out emails and say we are going to do it bc i know how this can go. BTDT before. The resident is such a sweetie.. She says we should just puree a steak and put it down her tube. She is such a doll.
I will update as soon as i know when the surgery will be.

Some pics and today's update

the day of kenadie's baptism

a couple days ago

Hello all. So the cardiologist came in today. He was being a michevious turkey! He would not give any insight whether or not we are doing the surgery on friday. Frankly i am going to beat it out of him if i dont get an answer soon! I am tired of the wait and see game and the yoyo thing with the weight. I only wish i could not put on lbs like she can't. lol. She is now on continous feeds due to her burning too many calories trying to eat on her own. We tried half and half and she did okay but still lost weight. That sucked! So he is trying this. So he came in this morning and i was like SO? He was like nope nothing out of me till tomorrow morning. DAMN YOU! So i am very frustrated.

We have enough blood thanks to my co-workers and my fil. I so appreciate all the donations.

Well i will update more later the girls just came up for the holiday dinner they are having here.

December 19th tentatively

So dec 19th is it tentatively. Never know for sure with these folks.He said supposedly he will give us a for sure answer on wednesday. They wanted to see if they could get her to gain some more weight. Unfortunately we lost 2oz last night. why i have no idea. I told the nurse i am ready to scream. I am so frustrated with not having any certanity in our lives. So anywho. The procedure will take about 4hrs from beginning to end then she will be in a medicated paralysis state until they extubate her. We are expecting a 3-5 day picu stay then back to the surgical unit.

Day 26 in the hospital

So today is day 26 in the hospital. The cardiologist and his fellow came by this morning. They were a bit disappointed that she did not gain much weight since they increased the volume and the calories yesterday. It really sucks. She gained a 1/4 of an oz. They wanted 2-2.5 oz or so. Tomorrow morning they are going to present her case to the surgery board around 730 am. They will argue their pov and the surgeon will put out his pov and then they will come up with a date to fix her ticker. Please pray that the meeting goes well.. that we have an answer. and it is the right plan for her. We desparately want our baby home with us and be a family again. I want to forget this bad dream.
I will update with the answer as soon as i get it.

Sorry for the delayed post

Hello all. Sorry for the delayed post. I am at home for a quick second. We got transferred to our new hospital and i HATE it! But i will write more about that tomorrow. So one day the doc says yes we are going to operate the next says no then yesterday he says yes definitely and today was i hope to wait till after the holidays but we may not be able to. Dude do what you have to and stop waisting mine and Kenadie's time and not to mention her health. She has lost 5oz in the past couple of days. So now they are giving her stronger feeds. We NEED her strong for this surgery. Her daddy is going to go donate blood for her. So that makes me feel better. The surgery board meets this friday. I will let you guys know when and what when i find it out. Please pray for my sanity also. I dont like this hospital one bit. But it is where the experts are in her condition.

So our plans have changed again!

Let me first say that your life in the hospital is never stable and never the same. Okay so yesterday the pedi came in and did some bw. Her blood levels are not where they would like them to be. So they are going to have to do a blood transfusion when she has her surgery. Then i noted she was a bit on the yellow side again and kinda pale. So they checked some more bw and one of the values was not good what that means i wont know till today when her pedi comes to round. Her pedi said yesterday that we might get transferred either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. We will have most of answers today around 4-5pm cst.
Kenadie will be getting the tube put in her belly after all. Her pedi thought no but her cardi said it is for the best so kenadie could have a chance to heal and not use all the calories on eating and what not. So whatever is for the best i am fine with.
Last night was a bit on the rough side as kenadie was throwing up yesterday frequently. She only peed out an oz so they were concerned about that. She got introduced to pedialyte. Let me tell you that is DISGUSTING STUFF! YUCK! I dont blame her for not drinking it.
Today ms kenadie got baptized by the chaplain. She had on a pretty little dress. My mom, Tammy our nurse, and I were there to witness it. The chaplain was quick about it and did a great job! We took some pics so when i find the time i will post a pic of her. Well i will update as soon as i know the whens, if, and what nots about everything.

So our plans have changed

Okay so our plans have changed a bit. The doc canceled our cardi appt this week and we were supposed to go back in two weeks. So yesterday i am trucking along thinking we are still getting our G tube on Monday or somewhere around there. Well the nurse comes in and says kenadie needs another echo. Okay fine. So they do it and something is off and the lady needs her bp. Next thing i know my pedi is calling me saying kenadie is going to have her heart surgery next week. Dr. Rizook does not like that she is not gaining weight accordingly and the surgeons will not do a G tube until her heart is fixed. So monday we are getting transferred to another hossy where they will do the surgery.
Had i wrote this post yesterday i would have been in histerics. Today i am trying not to think about it till the time comes to where i have to. I have had my mom and my fil tell my family just bc of all the questions and what not.. it is just to much right now. I mean i seriously got asked if this surgery was necc.. UMMM NO IT IS TO MAKE HER HEART LOOK PRETTY.. YES IT IS NECC!
All i ask for is prayers for her, her surgeon, my peace, and for my family.

I dont know how i feel tonight

This morning started out with some hope. The doc had talked of us going home this weekend. And i knew not to get my hopes up but i mean she was doing okay. The doc talked to us more about the G tube but i had it in my mind that my child is fine and does not need anything like this. Well around 9 the vomitting started. Then again this afternoon. After every big feed by mouth. My heart just crushed. She is so tired and sluggish now. I mean i just dont get this. When we think we are doing good we go back the other way. So now the doc says we are going to have to do the tube. Now it is finding a surgeon that is going to touch her.
The last time she threw up i had to just walk out of the room when the nurse was cleaning her up. I am so frustrated for her and i both.
Well while typing this my child decided to throw up again. UGH! I personally am just so frustrated and they wont put the ng down right now so she can get somethin to stay in her tummy bc the doc wants to see about her weight in the morning! I am so frustrated i can spit!

Oh i could spit!

Okay so from the title you can tell i am not the happiest of campers. Kenadie lost 4oz of weight last night. So the no tube thing did not go so well. The damn docs and everyone keeps asking me if i have enough supply. What do they not get that i put out about 12oz a sitting! I mean hello! Then the doc says are you sure your latch is right. Umm yes but you are more than welcome to evaluate that. Then the lactation consultant says well i think she is not getting the hind milk. Well too bad i had not already thought of that along with her pedi. We have been doing that also. so her pedi says if she does not gain today then they are going to discuss operating on my child and putting a tube in. HELL NO! That is all i got to say! NO NO NO AND NO! This doc keeps trying to write my freaking child off and i am two shades away from tell this doc just how i feel. I am suppose to speak to her pedi today and will discuss how i feel. I know there is not much i can really do about it until she comes back on service on friday.
This is the same pedi that wanted to put my child in a children's home. Oh i about beat the crap out that one! If i have to have 24hr nursing care at my house for her then that is what i will do. Whatever it takes and whatever is best for her.
Tomorrow is our cardi appt at 2pm cst. I am ready for it and just ready to get it over with so we know what is going on with her heart. So that is my update today. Please pray i dont knock the lights out of this pedi!

Our update for today

Hello all. Sorry i have not been on in a while. I have been crazy busy. Okay so the pneumonia is tons better. Still there but better. She is finally OFF oxygen. :) I am so excited about that. She has to have it at feedings but eh much better than all the time. She did gain some weight but we lost some of it two days ago and have yet to gain it back. The on call pedi seems not to be bothered by it. So whatever. The pedi wants to try her on regular feeds today. She says that they might have to go back to tube feedings but they want to evaluate her on the feeding situation. I am open to that but scared of a back slide. We have had our two steps forward i am not ready for any backwards.
I am really considering going to pumping exclusively. Just because she gets tired at the breast and we can not track her real input output like her heart doc needs. I just can't make that decision. It is so hard. I really dont want to have to pump all the time. But dont want to have to do formula at all costs. I just dont know.
As for me. I am much better now that the doc assisted me with some medication. I am not as emotional and feel much better about the situation. I am very nervous for our cardi appt on Tuesday. I am so nervous everytime they have a echo and stuff. I just want to get it done and over with. I hate that cloud hanging over me. It SUCKS! But yeah. Well i will update more tomorrow. Hopefully home before christmas!

So i have to say i was right

Kenadie had to get her tube back. She did not throw up but could not consume enough to maintain what she needs to. They are going to slowly work her up to bolouse feeds then go back to regular feeds.
I did call her pedi and talk to her and she did not know what was goingon. Thank goodness i listened to my gut.

are you serious?

So the pedi comes in this morning and they notice her tubing needs to be moved to the other side. So the pedi says lets just let her eat from a bottle today. Okay let me remind you of how bolouse feedings go with her... VOMIT CITY! So this pedi did not consult with my pedi. My pedi wanted a slow increase in feeds, then go to bolouse feeds, then bottle, then back to breast. I asked her how we can prevent her from aspirating she says we really can't. Just once she starts vomitting then lean her forward. I am going to put a call into my pedi tonight before her clinic closes and try and chat with her. I have this gut feeling this is not going to go good. So far i have been right with this. Oh the pedi says if she vomitts then they will put a tube down the other side. I am just not cool with this business. So here we go again. Maybe it will work and we can go home soon!

NO PEDI???!!

So we are sitting here waiting for a pedi to come. I have asked multiple times who is on service and who is coming and no one knows! This is uncalled for! I mean hello run your service better than that. Sorry i am rather frustrated right now.

Kenadie gained some more weight last night. So that is good. She is starting to look a bit chunky in the face. Funny since we haven't even gained a lb but she looks chunky to me. lol. We are finally in newborn clothes. They hang on her but the most of her preemie clothes are too short. The newborn ones are too big and too long but what else to put on the kid when we can. kwim. She had some breathing problems last night. And has this morning and the resp therapist is no where to be found either. Finally our nurse came to let us know they are waiting on the pharmacy to send her meds up to her.
well that is our short update. once i know some more i will try and update.

Today's update

Hello all.. so today was an okay day. She gained some weight but she has some swelling so we are hoping that this is true weight gain. Her breathing is not any better in fact she is having more problems so they did another chest xray and another cbc and her white blood count came back showing she does have an infection. So they started her on the antibiotics. They also changed her breathing treatments to one that wont affect her heart as much. They just did one on her and it was MUCH better than the others. Her hb stayed at 163. No rapid fluctuations. So that is good. Her pedi that was on today did not do a real thorough assessment. I can't wait till our pedi comes back tomorrow. Just not the same.

As far as me.. I am doing okay. I am going to go to the ob this week and talk to him about ppd. I think the mixture of everything going on is what is kicking my tail. I am starting to snap at any little thing that my dh does or anyone else. Plus i think that some people "try" to help and it just kinda insults me. Like some comment.. "is it something you took in pregnancy?" "was it your injections during pregnancy?" I mean COME ON?! Don't think i am struggling enough with a sick child?! Okay that is my rant.
Thanks so much for the prayers.

Today's update

So today has been an okay day. She lost 7oz of weight from yesterday but we think that is mostly bc she did not have a bm for two days and her tummy was so distended. Then we took our three steps back again.. They had to raise her oxygen. They tried giving breathing treatments but can't give a whole one due to her heart. Her hb gets way to high and it can send her in heart failure. We are praying her amonia does not turn into bacterial. Right now it is viral. (Got told she had it last night) Then we got some blood values that came back crappy. Not for infection but for her co2 levels. they are not sure if she has some other problem that is causing it. Possibly polystenosis (sp?) or something else that i can't remember. We will know more about that at a later time. I believe they are going to follow up on it on monday or so. But the pedi says we might not have "true" answers until she is 4-6wks old. She spiked a fever one time today but but she has not had one since. Also we are finally done with JAUNDICE! We have one more heel prick in a week to ensure it is not coming back on her but her levels were 3! PRAISE God! That is about it. I can't remember all of it as i am so freaking tired and exhausted.

Well i guess i knew our steps backwards were coming!

As the title explains it all. We just took 10 steps backwards. Kenadie is on O2 now. My aunt was holding her and i noticed she was looking too purple in the face. Me being in the med field knew what to look for and finally went and got the nurse. Yep i was right. Her O2 stats were too low. So they said they had to put her on O2. Also after i did my update she vomitted once while my ob came in to talk to me. Then she vomitted in her bed. When she did that her hr went to 228bpm. NOT GOOD! So they put in an express call to her pedi to call the cardi. Since he does not work here. We have not heard back from him yet but i dont expect to hear until 6pm cst or tomorrow morning. Then her respirations became too fast and have been that way this afternoon. But they are better. We are back on continous feeds using breastmilk with human milk fortifier in it. (extra calories). They said they were going to take her tube out but nope not going to do that in. Btw she has a NG tube down in the left nostril. She gets her feeds, meds, and whatever else through there.
We might get moved to the bigger hossy that has the cardi doc there. That bums me out bc i dont like the hospital or anything. I know the docs are great there and well versed but i dont like their medicine team too much. So we are praying we get to stay here until it is vital to move there. I mean i will do whatever we have to do when we need to do it.
My doc called for a lactation consult. They wanted lactation to talk to me about pumping and then about drying up if need be. Right now i am just an emotional bag and really did not want to address it. I will deal with it when i need to. kwim. Not pertent to me right now. I am pumping every 3-4hrs and i can get anywhere from 10-18oz per session. So no worries on that part. I also have about 300 oz at home in the freezer. So not worried. If i dont get to use it i will donate it to the breast bank.
Right now i am more than just upset. When we think we are doing something good and moving forward. We get set back to like negative square one. I just want to take my baby home. I know people have bigger issues out there and what not and they have longer stays in the hossy. (this damn nurse keeps saying that to me.) I am not trying to be selfish but this is a big deal to me and my family. kwim. Well that is about it. Thanks so much for all the support. If something happens i will update. Thanks again!

Today's morning update.

hello all. well the pedi came by this morning. kenadie did not lose weight and did not gain weight. so that is a good thing i guess since we did not lose. kenadie's bili levels are down to 6 now! YAY! That is so exciting. She is hoping the humidifer helps kenadie's breathing out. If not we will re-eval that situation. Tomorrow is her hip u/s. I really dont want to go to that but eh whatever. Just get it done while we are in here. I am just hoping for no displasyia. The doc said some ramblings of maybe going home next weekend. She said if we do allow you to go home then we will have home health care. Which at this point i am all for. I just want to go home. Kenadie has to be off the feeding tube and gaining weight before they will entertain the idea. We are getting my docs partner after saturday. Which really bums me out but i like her alot too.. Just not our pedi. kwim.
Oh they are going to try her feeds every other hour now through the tube with hmf in my breastmilk. This is her test to see if we can continue breastfeeding. If not then this momma is going to dry up. I feel like my life is connected to a pump right now and i HATE it. It would be different if i knew that she would be able to feed again and would be using it. Right now i am in limbo! I am so tired and worn down. I dont want to leave the hossy bc she can do so good one minute and a few minutes later just be vomitting and what not.
well i think that is about it. i am going to take a nap before my fil comes up to see us.

Today's update

Hello all. Today we are having a rough day. The morning started out with a weight loss. Then our jaundice levels went up a smidge. Kenadie has developed a horrible cough with her bronchitis and had some distress a bit ago. My fil had to bring up a cool mist humidifer bc they dont have one in the building. Then her rsv test got jacked up so they are going to have to redo it. Which really ticks me off! I am hoping that her pedi has something good to say tomorrow. I also seen kenadie's heart beating through her chest when she was having her refractions. That is not supposed to happen. So we may have another echo again.
The girls came up for a bit also. They went to school today and had so much fun. Well i am feeling really run down and i need some strength and sleep.

Surgery in 2weeks to 2mths.

Hello all. Well our appt was okay i guess. I mean we got good news about heart functions. But we were told we are having surgery anywhere from 2wks to 2mths. It is a wait and see thing. At the first sign of heart failure they will do her surgery then. But if not then they will wait till she is 8wks old. Now we have to gain some weight to do the surgery. Also they are going to close both the holes in her heart. She will need two heart surgeries. One now and then one when she is 1yro. He is concerned about her slow growth. He is not sure if it is the heart causing this, prematurity, or something else. They are going to be running some blood work on her to find out if anything else is the cause. He took her off one of her heart meds and started another and they are going to keep a close eye on her and make sure that she is not going into failure or anything with the adjustments. We were also informed that we will be in the hospital until we have significant growth, weight gain, and we have our surgery. So we have a LONG journey in the hospital. :( He is being nice and keeping us at the hospital where we like. It is close to dh's work, my house, and just conveinent. So that is our update on that matter. Btw she just vomitted so the nurse is cleaning her up. We were doing so good today too. UGH!
I got to see the girls today. No fevers so i had dh bring them up to see me. They were not allowed to get close to the baby but they got to see her and watch the nurses take her temps and give meds. Genesis thought that was so cool. Alexus told the nurse NO NO NO HURT! Then we took the girls down to the playroom here and then watched a video. Then i took them back to my grandma's. Genesis asked me why we can't sleep at our house with baby kenadie. I tried to explain.. She was like momma i love you and i miss you. God my heart breaks. I just dont know i can do this for 2mths. Alexus told me "BYE MOMMA! HAVE FUN!" As long as she has toys and her granddad she is all good.
The financial councelor came in today.. I am hoping we can get a bit of help with all this stuff going on. They are going to help me fill out the forms.
That is about the update for now. They are going to reaccess her bronchitis tomorrow and then decide if she needs antibiotics and an IV.

Today's mini update

Today we did not gain weight but did not lose any. However her pedi is concerned bc she has not pooped in 1.5days so it is not a "true weight". Her bili is down to 9.7! That is awesome. We have been there before so our pedi said not much celebrating until her levels are down to 0 and stay there for a couple days. So that was our good news.
Now for the steps back.. she now has bronchitis.. which is NOT good. Then the pedi said she could feel her liver and spleen today. That is not a good thing. So we are praying that we dont get stuck at OUMC CHO. But she is concerned bc her respirations are faster than what they are supposed to be. We willbe having another echo when we go and see the doc today. WE go at 1pm cst.
That is about all i know for right now. I will update more later as i know more.

Two steps forward and one step back

Essentially we are on the NICU theme. Two steps forward one step back. So our two steps forward and great news is that he jaundice is 12.7! That is awesome. We are down 4 points in one day! we are so happy about that news.
Our step back is she lost all the weight she had gained since Friday. :( We don't know why she is not holding her weight. She is back down to 5.6 now. Very frustrating.
They doc is having us go to the cardiologist this week. She will get a little ambulance ride there and then we will come back here. They want to look at her ticker again and see if her lasix is causing her issues. She is also going to have an u/s on her hip next week. They are concerned about hip displasia and if so then they will decide what to do about that.
Her pedi did tell us that she is going to keep rounding on her. They usually switch docs every Friday but she said since she is a complicated case she would feel more comfy taking care of her by herself. Her pedi is rather frustrated btw with her situation.. She walked in this morning and goes "kenadie you could at least maintain your weight girl and make me look like a good pedi!" I just laughed bc she was this way when she was in the uterus.
My other two girls are doing much better. No fevers or anything anymore. So if they are better tomorrow then i might let them come up. The pedi said 48hrs no fever and they did not have one yesterday evening so we shall see. I am going to go see them this afternoon since the pedi said i could and i just have to make sure that i sanitize sanitize.
Me personally i am just an emotional bag. I want to be at home with my family and enjoy my new baby. Instead of going to see friends and family with my baby we are stuck in a hossy and dealing with this stuff. I want to be able to bond with my baby and be able to breastfeed her but nope got deal with the tube down her nose. I am also emotional bc the holiday season is coming up. I dont know how i am going to handle all that. The medical bills are killing us right now. We no where expected to have to pay all this out of pocket. I do know it will all work out and my girls will be taken care of somehow. It just sucks that i am their mother and i just feel like i am not doing my job good enough for them. This just sucks! Well i will update when i have more info to update on. I think her GI will be coming in soon.

Our update for today

So today we got mixed news. Kenadie got put on some more meds. Reglan to help with digestion as we vomitted our continous feeds last night a few times. Then she is on some other med to help her tummy. Then her heart meds are staying the same. Her jaundice is down 1 more point. So we are going in the right direction we just have a ways to go with that. Then we got the news today that we are probably going to have to have heart surgery for sure. Her echo was a bit changed from friday. More pressure on the right side of the heart. However the meds are doing their job and not letting it enlarge or anything. So we have to gain weight, keep it on, get rid of the jaundice, and THEN they will tell us when we will have heart surgery. I was a bit bummed to hear about this but i know it is what ever is best for her and that is what we will do. I miss holding her and nursing her and being able to have those bonding moments. I hate having to just shove a binky in her mouth when she gets upset.
We need prayers for my other two girls as they are sick. They have high fevers, chest congestion, and just plain dont feel good. They have a virus per their pedi. Which is NOT good at all for Kenadie so they are having to stay away and i am not allowed to be around them since I am the primary one that is taking care of her. So we need some healing vibes for them so they can come see their sister and i can see them.
I also want to let you people know that i appreciate all the support and prayers, the emails, and everything. I have a great cousin who keeps pouring out her suport even though she is like 1wk post partum herself (yes she had her baby.. about a wk ago.. 10lbs 4oz 23inches long) then my grandparents i swear are angels themselves. they have offered to take care of my girls for us. part of this does not surprise me as they have taken care of them since they were tiny babies themselves when i had to go to work. I will check with my cousin to get her permission to share a pic of kenadie and her cousin together. They are so cute! Double K! (his name starts with a K) Well that is our update for today. I will try and hop on this weak internet connection when i can and update. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

today's update

so today we got the news that we are in here for a long time. well long time to us. the doc says about a week or two. she is on continous feeds through her tube bc she could not handle bolouse feeds.

Back in the hossy

We are back in the hossy. We will be there for a few days. She is on a feeding tube and we are hoping her jaundice numbers come down. Her heart is having to work too hard for her jaundice and eating so that is why we had to go this route. I am going to have to go. I will try and update tomorrow.

Kenadie needs more prayers!

Hello everyone.. i am asking for more prayers for Kenadie. Today we went to the doc and she has lost 5.5oz and is now under her birth weight. :( Her jaundice has rose drastically since getting it down under 9 and is now 15. Tomorrow morning at 8am if she has not gained enough and jaundice is not down we are back in the hospital and then GI will do a consult and another heart consult. They put her on a special formula for tonight to see if we can get her to keep some of her feedings down. This almost kills me as i am very pro breastfeeding (btw i make tons of milk so production is not an issue.. when i say tons i make about 10oz per side at a pumping session right now) but i know it is best for her and i will do whatever i can in my power to make her well. I am praying that soon we can have our baby home and to us and not have to go to docs every day and be able to enjoy my baby and my family.
Also my girls are sick with colds and i need some potent healing vibes. Kenadie can NOT get sick at all until the holes in her heart closes or we are right back in the hossy again! Well i will update tomorrow.

Kenadie's update! (same as pal)

Hey ladies. We are home from the hossy. We got released late yesterday evening. She has an ASD and a VSD ( one hole at the top of the heart and a hole on the bottom part of the heart.. which that is the trouble maker) The bottom one is causing pressure on the right side of the heart and it is 5mm.. which is small to us but a baby that is only 5lbs it is huge. So we are on two heart meds and we go to the cardi every two weeks and have echos every two weeks until she is 8-12wks old then we decide heart surgery or not.
Now today we had to go back to the pedi. We have not gained weight in 5 days, jaundice went up 3.5 points today for a level of 13.9 which i must say is DA@$ frustrating bc we were on hossy lights also. ERGH! So now we have to go have a liver u/s done and the hossy did not test liver function so my pedi had to draw up bw for that also. Now i must say i HATE U/S the last one gave us news i would have preferred to live without. So just wondering if you could spare some prayers for the liver u/s. We have to do weight checks eod and billi checks eod also.

I just recieved a call about her u/s for liver. Tom morning at 830am is when we will have it and doc should have the results come our 2pm appt. She also has the bw in and she is going to call me on her lunch hour. So i am praying for good news.

Kenadie is in the hossy NEED PPT!

Kenadie is in the hossy.. she was lathargic and not eating well on friday. We found out she has two holes in her heart. We see cardi tomorrow and get to findout when she may get to come home. Please pray for her!

Tomorrow is the day and an update!

Tomorrow is the day Kenadie will go to the hossy for her EKG and her Upper GI test. I am nervous as any mother would be. I am just praying that it all goes well. While at the pedi today her pedi said that when she was crying that her murmur was louder than normal. I hope that is just normal since she was just not a happy camper that she was nakey on the scale! lol. Today we gained 2oz and jaundice levels went down by one point. We are doing one day off phototherapy per the doc as she wants to see if it is going to creep up or go down. So Kenadie is in her nightgown now. That is a bit of a rariety since she has to be in just a diaper when on the lights.
Kenadie also had a big day after the docs. She went to go see my cousin that is having a baby very very soon (like by Saturday). Btw i can't wait till she has her little man.. Any easy labor vibes will be accepted and shipped her way! :) Then Kenadie went to my job with me to turn my fmla forms in. She got to see all my residents there. They looked her over a million times. Thank goodness they all did not try and do neuro exams on the poor kid! LOL. jk! Then we came home and had a big nap. Mom and baby were so tired. :)
My incision is hurting so bad tonight. I am a bit afraid of infection as it is so sore and part of it is warm to the touch. When i am at the docs tomorrow i am going to have them peek at it to make sure it is fine and dandy.
Please say a prayer for Kenadie for her appts tomorrow! Thanks!

Kenadie's Birth Story (Really long and copied from pal)

Hey everyone .. Finally getting a minute to post her story.
Short version: 10/27/08 753am 5.37lbs 17.25 inches

Long version: So I went to the doc 10/20 and they said she was frank breech and that we would try a version on 11/11 and then do an induction. At that appt i told him something was not right something was wrong. He checked her fluid and said she is fine from that aspect but did not have a u/s tech to check growth or placenta. Told me to come back on 10/27 and he would have them do it. To keep an eye on fetal movement and what not. Okay great. So 10-26 i had an odd feeling that day.. like tons of anxiety.. even on friday something did not sit well with me. and i completed almost everything at work and they said i would have her over the weekend bc of the way i was acting. So back to 10-26 i had contrx for the most of the day.. did not think a thing of it since well you ladies know my history my uterus does not shut up! lol. Dh and i went and got my mom and we took the kids to haunt the zoo.. we even joked around about what if i went in labor there. well contrx were slamming me every 1.5mins but again thought nothing of it. We had tons of fun with the kids and my mom. When we were done i told my mom .. something is not right.. kenadie is not moving alot. She says go home lay down.. drink something sugary and see what happens. So on the drive home i told aaron (dh) that i had this weird feeling we would have her tomorrow. He said yeah right and laughed me off. Well we get home i do my macro econ exam and have huge anxity.. like crazy. I told my dh i was going to bed now that i felt kenadie do a dance and was fine. Well i went to bed.. had a nice little dream that included an O. *blush* I woke up when dh's alarm went off for work and felt wet. Thought it was from my nice little dream.. and told dh to help me roll over that my hips hurt and i think i need to go pee. I roll over and gush in my bed. I told dh umm i think my water just broke or i peed on myself. He said yeah right.. prob just exaggerating again. Then i sit up in bed.. GUSH! Umm hun my water is broke... still does not believe me and my 4yro is now awake and tells me i need a spanking for peeing my panties. I stand up niagra falls happens.. really dh believed me this time! It soaked my pants, sock, the floor. I went pee and was in a bit of denial..then i stood up and niagra falls the 2nd happened. Thank god i put on an overnight pad! lol. I told dh i would drive myself.. yeah did not sit well so i called my mom bc i could not get anyone else to wake up to answer their phone. I come on here let you ladies know niagra falls happens and we are off to hossy. I talk to the oncall on the drive she was a pia.. The one i HATE! I about kill my mom in the car due to the pain of the contrx. I thought iwas going to DIE! I get to the hossy not a damn wheelchair in sight! So i steel a valet chair. With a towel under me bc now my pad is full and overflowing on my pants. We get up to LD and the lady at the desk says "are you in pain?" NO SH#$ SHURLOCK! then she says "are you sure you did not pee on yourself?" lady if i have this much pee we are really in an emergency situation.. your bladder not supposed to do that! The lady walks me down to my room and i leave a water trail. (what she gets! ha!) I lay in the bed the nurse comes in and goes now how do you know she is breech? Umm just xray vision? I had an u/s! Well i was dilated to a 3. (big shocker.. had been for the longest!) And she could not feel the head.. although she tried and tried. I swear i am still sore from that! I ask her for pain meds she says wait on doc to call. U/s comes in and verifies position and the room starts moving pretty fast. The u/s nurse goes what is wrong. i am in pain.. she says hun labor is not meant to be fun and unpainful. Oh ladies i about kill the nurse! The nurse made me labor for almost 3hrs with NO DRUGS AT ALL! Knowing i was a freaking C! ERH! They finally roll me back at 730am get the spinal and some drugs.. AH! The doc starts cutting me..reaches in, has to stretch my muscles and tells that this is really going to hurt bc they dont usually have to cut and spread this far and then says omg..(not what you want to hear)then says alisha she is really small. Okay let me see dude. then pulls her out butt first and she is just this peanut..as my ob pulled her out he says alisha she is so tiny and a peanut! They wisk her to the nicu team and daddy. No one would tell me what was going on with her.. I could hear her cry so that kept me calm. Then nicu nurse comes and says here mom give her a kiss and off they went. Doc kicked my mom and my dh out bc i started hemorrhaging. He finally got that calmed down right before they put me under and then did my tubal (thank god!, i threatened him before the surgery that i would tie him to the bed if he did not do it!). While accessing my child and my placenta.. they determined she stopped growing somewhere about 34.5-35wks.. she had dangerously low glucose levels. they put a tube down just to get it down her bc they could not wait for her to suck on a bottle. then kenadie could not do the suck,swallow, breathe thing due to her being early and her growth stopped. but we got right on top of trying and they watched her like a hawk. They also said her jaundice levels were pretty high at day 2 and kept creeping up. 15 when we were dc. The day of dc the nurse comes in to tell me that kenadie has a murmur and they are concerned about this. She gives me the worst scenarios.. I was poed bc the doc did not say a thing. Come to find out the doc did chart it down but was going to tell me at the appt if it were louder. Alot of preemies have this issue and it goes away around day 3. The nurse took it upon herself to say something. So Friday they said it was worse but she is gaining weight and the jaundice was still at almost 15. The pedi also informed us had we waited till 11/11 we might not have had such a good outcome. So i guess my uterus was smart for one day! :)
Again so sorry for keeping you everyone hanging.
Here are her pics of the first week of life so far! :) http://s182.photobucket.com/albums/x185/alishaandaaron/Baby%20Kenadie%20Gayle%201st%20wk/

Today's update!

Hello all. So here is today's update. Her jaundice level is back at 15.5 which is good that it went down but still too high for her weight and what not. We are getting to do at home therapy again tonight and go see the doc tomorrow. She gained 2oz today also. So she weighs 5.5lbs right now. Heart still in the same condition.. loud murmur. Tomorrow we do a recheck. Oh yeah.. yesterday her umbilical cord started bleeding in the doc office so they put some stuff on it that paints it brown and dries the skin out around the cord. It FELL OFF TODAY! yay! So exciting!
Alisha

Kenadie's update! (same as pal)

Hey ladies. Well not so good news on the jaundice front. went from 15 to 18.5 and no weight gain. she wanted her to gain an oz a day. Nada not a gram. :( Then we listen to her ticker.. still very loud. her eyes keep looking as if they are bruised sometimes. she said that can be very normal in babies that small.. when they grunt of groan and stuff. So now we are doing homehealth care for tonight.. then re-eval tomorrow. If no weight gain and more jaundice then we have to talk about hossy options. she is really trying not to admit us.

Meet Kenadie Gayle

This is Kenadie Gayle. I dont have time to write the birth story as i am still in alot of pain and dont feel good. But i thought i would give a face with the name. :)

Small update

We had kenadie's appt today. she gained 1 oz . her jaundice is still high at 14.5 doc says if it is not better by monday then back in the hossy we go. her heart murmur was louder today so the doc says she is concerned by this. we are going back to the hossy on 11/7 for in depth testing. they could not get a tech to do one today. the one good thing is her skin tone and circulation. so the pedi says that is a positive for us. i am praying it is just one of those things that she has to grow out of.
I will try and post story and pics tomorrow while the girls are down for nap.

Baby girl is here and we need some prayers!

I dont have much time but baby girl is here. 5.4lbs 17.25inches long. Kenadie Gayle is her name. The prayers part. The doc heard a murmur today and they are concerned with it. They are going to do an echo tomorrow. Also they are going to check her jaundice levels as they are high. She was an IUGR baby. I will post more details later. But please pray. I will try and update tomorrow!

Ramblings

Well i am still here and still pregnant. So i am guessing that is a good thing.
Today i am feeling rather blue. Just really missing my angel robert. Last night was my kid's open house at their school.. and it just made me feel a bit blue when i seen the dad's with their son's and what not. Walking down the hall i see a dad with his 8wk old baby boy.. i just stared for a min watching him love on him. Then my heart broke to pieces. I quickly said i have to go to the bathroom. (Good excuse when your pregnant!) I often wonder how Aaron would have been with his son. How they would have bonded and how he would have taken care of him. I know he would have been a momma's boy that is for sure.
Some part of me is almost regretting the doc telling me the gender of the baby that i lost. I can't for the life of me look at little baby boy stuff and baby boys the same way. I really feel jipped! I dont think it helps that people make comments about "oh you are having your third girl" or "aren't you going to miss out having a son" Well i do have a son but he is heaven. I have the paper to prove it in my med chart. I tend to think i am doing great with my emotions till people say stuff like that.
I think that some of my hormones are also getting to me today. I am so nervous about everything coming. Then i feel so guilty for not bonding with this pregnancy. I know it is normal that pal's do that but just does not feel right to me. Scares me about what if i dont bond after i have her. What if i dont get to take her home? I dont want to leave that hossy empty handed 3 times in a row!
I guess today.. i just really miss my angel and am an emotional bag. One thing i pray is that Angel Robert watches over this baby and his momma as we are about go thru this journey in 18 days! I also pray that this baby knows that i am not replacing.. i am adding to my family.

Appt update

hello all. well i will start out with the appt update. it was the appt i was not expecting at all. i am still sick. which sucks. weight was okay. i lost a few due to being sick. belly measuring okay. hb was a bit high but due to a low grade fever. cervix is still a 3. i was really hoping for more but whatever. then we do our chatting session. i tell him i am done and over this mess. i talked about my abdominal pain. i have a hernia. okay what to do.. he says it can be fixed after delivery. eh okay. then i tell him i think she is still sideways.. so he says hop down get dressed and go to u/s room. i go and low and behold.. she is FRANK BREECH! Head up on the left side, butt on my cervix and feet up by her noodle. i am in disbelief. i was like umm say what?! this is the straw that broke the camels back. he is going to have ortho take a peek at her hips when she is born bc she has been folded in half for the most of this pregnancy so they have to look at hip discotica (sp?). seriously.. when he said this business i just had enough. i did swallow my tears and hold them back till after i left. i told him he is not to leave my side until these tubes are tied. he said i know Christine has a sticky note with your reminder on it. Aw good nurse.. she looks out for me! Then he said that if i should go in labor ask for the anth that has bad teeth. So i told him i am going to have the anth smile and say cheese! lol.

So tempted to go to jail (LD)!

I am sitting here at 200am having contrx that make me wake up every 3-5mins.. I feel like my hoo ha is being ripped open! I keep telling myself if it goes away i will go back to bed in 10 mins.. still not stopping. I want this kid out! NOW! I will update about my appt tomorrow! I just hurt like HELL!

Does everyone have to put their two cents in on the matter?!

Okay really i am a bit frustrated. Let me say i am not competing for employee of the year but i am at work feeling like the world's worst piece of crap, have yet to miss all but one day due to this high risk pregnancy, and feel like i am going to cut someone's head off but have not yet. I go to make coffee this morning and one of the docs goes oh i dont want to touch that you look like you have pink eye. I tell her i got scripts yesterday and started them YESTERDAY... and she is like oh yeah sure you did. Um lady dont push my buttons. I am 35wks pregnant and very very irritable! So ms know it all does not know that i am on 3 scripts, one oral and two eye drops. My doc says after 24 hrs of antibiotics you are good to go. Eh whatever. Plus i asked my boss if i need to stay at home and she says i would like if you came into work. Okay great.. i am here but i get my damn head cut off. Then if ms know it all does not push my buttons further.. she says oh man.. i see you have your oatmeal and what not.. looks like you are eating healthy one time. WHAT? I mean.. hold on.. let me soak this in. Then she says howmuch weight have you gained? Okay hefer i am 10 secs shy of throwing my oatmeal at you. I promptly walk away before we have a dead faculty member! So that is my lovely friday morning!

you have got to be kidding me!

well today is certainly umm an interesting one. i wake up with an eye that is pooring with weepiness. no color tone just clear. then it decides to swell up and look like i have been in a boxing match. one of the neuros says it looks like i might be getting an infection in my eye and that i might want to start some antibiotics now so it does not go into that. He does NOT THINK it is pink eye. Which is great! I call the ob and tell them and the nurse just laughs with me on the phone. She says if it is going to be one of my pt's it is going to be you! lol. If it is not one thing it is another i tell ya. We also discussed my crapiness yesterday and she said if i can hold out till monday he will check me then and what not. eh whatever. Now i really dont want her coming till i get well. My allergies have decided eh lets bombard her now while she feels like crap. So i get to deal with those lovely pleasures along with my bowels deciding to rebel against me and not work. Ah life. Baby girl has decided again that she likes to lay sideways again. I am about to give up. If she stays that way then i have to just suck it up and deal with a c-section. I can ask my cousin what to expect and what not. She has had one. I have had 8 procedures so i know it will be no walk in the park on pain scale but i just dont know what all goes on. So maybe she can enlighten me if i need the enlightening.
Last night i was in some dire pain and contrx were coming every 1.5 mins. The kind were you want to punch your husband and tell him never to touch your body again unless he has had a vasectomy! LOL. I was ready for it to be over. Aaron told me to go lay down and take some benedryl and if they weren't any better than we would go to the hossy. He is so calm headed when i need him to be. But then he looks at me and rubs my belly and says think the 4th baby will be easier momma?! WTF?! UMMM fourth baby will be by the easiest pain wise bc we ARE NOT HAVING A FOURTH CHILD BIOLOGICALLY!
anywho.. that is our update.

Not feeling so good right now!

First off let me say that today is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. I will be lighting a candle for both my angel babies tonight.
Now i am a bit concerned. I do not feel good at all! What's new about this you say.. I feel like i could throw up at any one minute.. I keep having contrx consistently. not painful just consistent. And i am pretty sure i lost the rest of mucus plug a bit ago. So i guess i just keep an eye on it and if it gets worse.. take my booty up to jail. Did i mention i hate that place?! But something is off with my body today.. Maybe i am just getting what dd had. All i know is i feel sick and hotflashes.

I forgot to mention.. I need some get welll vibes for my daughter

She is sick with a temp of 103F.. the highest has been 104F. We took her to the pedi today and they did bw. Her strep came back -, flu test -, and annomia test came back -. They dont know what is causing these high fevers. So we wait on the test results. Tonight my throat started killing me.. So i am praying i am not getting it. We talked to the ob about my dd being sick and he said "Alisha if you get a temp of more than 101 we have no choice but to admit you in the hossy hun". So please pray i dont get sick. I have tons i need to do in the next 28 days. Plus my kids need me and i need to work and make an income. Anywho. I will update when i hear something.

Almost 35 wk appt update

Hello all. Well today i had my almost 35wk appt update. Bp was a bit elevated but said it was fine. Weight... catch this.. i have NOT gained in almost 3wks!!! I could have sworn the nurse said i did last week.. but nope! In fact the ob is a bit concerned that i have not gained in almost 3wks and says that he really wants to watch baby girls growth next week. My belly measured a bit behind. But it has been for a bit now. She is going to be a tiny one. He is saying around 4.9-6.5lbs by the time of delivery. She was head down for him when he checked her position. But flipped again. He said she is small enough right now where she can still wiggle.. and that concerns him a bit too. So we need some grow vibes everyone. I want her here but i want to know she is going to be fine on that aspect too. He said she will be perfect just small and once she gets my breastmilk then she will fill out just like alexus did. She was 4.11 when we took her home and now 2yro she is 34inches tall and 33lbs. :) He said i produce butter! lol. He checked my cervix and we have CHANGE! :) It is a stretchy 3 on the bottom part and still about 2ish at the top. I am thinning more which he said that is great. My cervix is getting rather short he said and it has moved totally to the front. He would like me to wait till next week then he says i would feel much better about her coming then. So we will try and please the man and wait till next week or later. I still think she will be born on 11/11. We talked about the what if's.. I am scared as hell about the possibility of having a c-section and with my medical condition he said that he wants to avoid that at all costs! So that makes me feel a ton better but says that if i have to then my mom and dh can be in there with me and then he will ensure to take the steps nec to make sure that i dont have any partial obstructions with my bowels. I have had 13 so far. We are also going to take steps to make sure i dont get one after a vag birth either. Those hemmoroids can be a real pain in the ass! (punt was intended! lol) We talked more about my tubal. I am scared as crap that i am going to have this baby on the weekend and not get my tubal. So it looks as though on weekends i am NOT going to be trying to induce labor unless it is on a sunday! I want to make sure the baby factory is shut down and he said hun dont get me wrong but i want to make sure it does too! lol. Then we talked more about my induction.. Good thing i did. His scheduler did not mark it down in the books and i said eh buddy my induction for the 11th that we talked about.. he says um i dont have you down. Uh well you better mark me down. I said well you can do my tubal that day too huh. He said yep i usually do surgeries on wednesdays but for you i will do it on tuesday! How sweet. He said my wife wont let me come home unless it is done! haha funny man! So catch this.. i have to go at 430AM that morning.. holy shit! that is early! but we are going to take the kids to their caregivers the night before and then go have a baby if i am still pregnant then. He reminded me not to get my mind so cenetered around the induction as i am already 3cm dilated. Trust me folks.. i am not completely set on that date. I want her to come a bit sooner than that.. Maybe like November 5th or so. He said as long as i vote and my cousin has her baby. Hmm i guess i need to take my belly to her belly so they can have a chat! JK! lol. I can't wait to see her little man too. Oh i told him that i am going to start the EPO this weekend and he said have at it. It will help my labor be shorter if i more thinned out. I am all about short labors! :) Well that is about it on my front. So any day now people! I have an appt next monday where he will my GBS test and check on her fetal growth for me.

So miserable today!

I am so miserable today. I really am at a breaking point. I am so done and ready to have my baby in my arms. I know i have tons to do and have not a thing done but man i feel like i am dying. It hurts to move, bend, or just exert any type of energy. Every night i have contrx 2-3mins that i feel like i am going to die with them. Enough is enough. I guess i just need some prayers for some strength to make it another 3 wks or so.

Need some prayers for my family!

Hello all.. I am in need of some prayers for my family. My dad works at an airport and they are doing cutbacks due to the economy and so many company's cutting down the number of flights that come in and flight out through there. My dad is the sole provider for him and my mother and now they have cut him to 20hrs a week. No way a family can survive on that. His boss walked in the other day and they told him to go home and that they did not need him anymore due to the economy. My mother is disabled so she does draw a small disability check but still.. we need tons of prayers for my dad as he faces this rough time. He did go on an interview and hopefully with some added prayers he will get this opportunity. It would be a significant boost for him and my mother.
alisha

Spotting again today and just rambles

Hello all.. Well i am having some spotting today. Very light and not bright red so i am not concerned. Just means we might be having some progress going on down there. Only 13 days to go and i will be happy if she comes. :) She is laying sideways right now.. So if she has any plans on coming in the near future she needs to turn her butt back to being head down. I DO NOT want a C-section at all! I am petrified of having one. I dont know why but i just am. I have had 8 surgeries done so you would think i would be okay with the idea. But something just freaks me out about being awake and having them cutting on me. My doc told me my chances of having one are 3-5%. He has already reassured me that if i have to have one he will triple check to make sure i am numb and what not. If i do have to have one then while the shop is open then he will do my tubal then. Speaking of that. I am scared of having that done too. I am 100% sure i am finished having biological children. So it is not that. Just being awake for the procedure and then the pain afterwards. That really sucks.
Only 29 more days left until my last day of work. I am taking off of work on November 7th. My induction is scheduled for the 11th if i am still pregnant that long. God bless i am hoping i am not. I want to have her on the 1st of November. Although one of the docs i work for says to have her on the 20th of october or 8th of november.

Waving my white flag!

I am waving my white flag this morning. I am DONE! FINISHED! I am in tons of pain this morning. I *think* i have a uti, my bowels are being a pia, and my contrx are there but not being productive. At this minute i wish they were! Come on little girl.. you know you want to come out soon. Maybe next week?! lol. Really i hope she stays in till she is ready and healthy but today we are just feeling rather low! Did i mention i would pay someone to put me out of my misery? lol. Anywho.. that is it on this front.

Almost 34 wks appt update

hello all. well we are home from my appt. while i was there i was having contrx every 3-4mins so i had to stay a bit to be monitored in his office and see if she was going to make her debut today. after a bit we got the go ahead to go home.
before that.. i weighed.. now i just close my eyes tight and try not to listen to the bar moving. he says i am fine and that i will lose it later. he said it is the LAST of his concerns right now. bp was a bit elevated but that is due to me being in a huge amount of pain. chickpea's hb was 158 on the nose and kicked the nurse when the nurse rubbed my belly. i guess she is very territorial of her tight space! lol. we are still measuring on the small side but he said he could not ask for better movement patterns and we are still growing. next appt next week we will check position and weight. she keeps moving to the transverse position and then i will coarse her to go back head down. we need her to stay head down. although he says he firmly thinks that is what has kept me pregnant so long with her laying sideways for a while. well now that he says she can come go ahead lady bug and flip head down and slowly do some action. :) he checked my cervix and it was still about 3cm dilated, 45% effaced, and up front. we did the last ffn test today. and he checked to see if i was ruptured bc i am leaking so much that it is beyond belief but it is just my droopy bladder and tons of d/c. I got the GREEN LIGHT to start walking on my lunch breaks and do whatever i want starting tomorrow! I am so damn excited. We also talked about EPO and rasberry leaf tea. He said i can start taking 1 capsule per day at 34 wks then start the RLT at 35wks or so. I am supposed to start out slow and easy. But we shall see how that goes. :) I get to having nice relations with dh starting tomorrow. Whether i do or not we shall see. lol. I am just happy to have that option now! Dh and i have a date night for the 10th of October. Then after that it is getting serious time for baby. My ob said he firmly thinks i will at least make my 35wks mark if not 36. I told him i prefer the day after halloween and he was okay with that too. He IS on call. So he said alisha if you are in pain that day *wink* then you come on it and we will have a baby. Okay buddy we shall see what i can do. He said the day after halloween the kids are all hyper on sugar and he does not have to be there if he is delivering! lol. SMART MAN! I will update tomorrow if my test is + or not. Same drill roids if + and extension of br. Oh heck nah. Not happening here!lol.

Bitter Sweet Friday

Hello all. I am feeling a bit on the bitter sweet side today. My cousin (not the one locally, the one in tulsa) had her baby yesterday. She was 6lb 5oz and her name is Landrea Monique. I dont know how long she was. Well anyways. Just a kind reminder that yet again i was supposed to be having a baby this past month. I try not to focus on it but really hard when i was pregnant with family members. But yeah. So feeling just a bit bitter sweet. kwim.
My rant for the day bc well my blog would not be a blog without one.. is that my mom calls to let me know about the baby being here. okay great. congrats to her. but then goes into the drama that my cousin is going through. okay for a refresher.. this is someone who got pregnant with a guy that she did not know and then let it be known that she did not want to be pregnant nor have this baby. So cousin gives birth and then says.. i dont know how i feel about this. Um what?! God just gave you this miracle.. Some women would cut their right arm off to be in this situation. I know my sister who is battling IF for over 7yrs would sure in the shit give whatever she had to just to have a baby. Oh and please send whatever prayers you can her way. She is really having a hard time. But back to what i was talking about. I just dont get why people feel the need to tell me these things. People that know me well know that i still struggle with grief and whatnot over my losses. I still feel pain and stuff. But yet again my mom goes into these situations and i have to remind my mother that i cant and dont want to know about it. It is not that i dont care but man why? I dont think i will ever understand the world or anything like that.

Okay for me. We are doing descent. I am ready to be finished. But what is new. I just recieved a gift while typing this and it was preemie diapers, preemie outfit, and a baby doll. My heart just went to pieces. Wow is all i can say. Btw 4 days till restrictions are lifted, 8 days till they wont stop labor, 26 days till she is term. :) But who's counting right?!

33 wks and 1 shot left!

Hello all. So today i am 33wks. I am very happy and blessed this lil girl is holding in there. I had to make an er trip to the ob's today. Severe abdominal pain got the best of me today. He checked my cervix and said there was a bit of change. It is more frontward and thinned out before but he is not concerned since he wont stop labor in 10 days. Right now if she comes she comes. I agree with his plan. After 35wks he is allowing me to try natural remedies. You bet your britches i just may too! ;)
I weighed today and well that was not a happy thing. But eh it is life i guess. I have gained almost 40lbs! ack! I NEED to go on a diet here! lol. But he is happy. Belly is still measuring small so we are definitely going with the induction on November 11th. We are going to do a fetal growth u/s in a couple weeks to check position and weight just in case this lil girlie needs to come out earlier.
Overall it went well. I go back on monday for my last FFN test and if it comes back + then i will be admitted and given some meds to help her out then sent home to just be cautious.

The baby shower was this past weekend also and it went great! It was small but that was fine with me. I got to chat and hang out with the people that mean alot to me. It did help my mental status a bit about having this baby but i am still nervous and my ob told me today that alisha those feelers are so normal and nothing i can say is going to help it beyond having your lil girl in your arms in a few weeks. But we have a car seat, diapers, and a going home outfit. So we are set. I will try and take pics of the going home outfit this week and post it. I got it at the shower and it is CUTE!
Sunday while at target though.. I had an emotional breakdown. I went to buy a pack of preemie diapers and just could not. Just broke down crying. I just dont get that mess. But dh said dont worry about it anymore i will buy them before you come home from the hossy since i will be staying a minimum of 2 days.
I am hoping i can get tons of stuff done starting next week when all my restrictions are lifted. I have to sort through rooms, do school work, pack a bag for the hossy, and get the stuff ready to sell on ebay. In many ways i am ready to have her and be put out of my misery but then again i am NOT ready to have to manage this house in this state and have a baby and my kids and my dh. So she can bake for at least 2 more weeks then we shall revisit the situation! :) I will be starting EPO and fresh pineapple in 14 days to help soften the cervix up some more. In hopes of a short delivery. We also will be doing lots of walking, going to the park, and well enjoying my spouse. I am hoping for a spontanious labor.. like the water break in the middle of the night thing since this is my last birth. I am petrified of it breaking at work though. I mean it would not be the worlds worst place to have it break and i do know someone on campus that could possibly help me get to where i need to go if she has not had her baby by then.
Anywho.. that is our update and our ramble for tonight. Please pray i can get some sanity to make it through to the next 2 weeks. I am so tired of the pain i just want to throw my cards in and say i am DONE!

Just some Friday ramblings.

So today is friday.. which is great! But today i am a bit edgy. I am personally just done with being pregnant. Having contractions every 5 mins for hours and hours is just not fun. Having one while i type. Btw also the next person who gets on to me for saying i am done.. i think i will just have to hurt! lol. I was asked today if i am ready i answer yes. Then i got well you are not near done with this yet. You should not wish to have a preemie baby. Okay folks if she were born now she would be well over 3lbs.. Not like i am asking for a micro preemie here. Plus i know full and well that it is not time for her to be born yet. That we need at least a couple more weeks then she can come. I am just in pain all the time.

I hit my husband in the shoulder last night at 250am bc i could not sleep and just dying in pain crying. I had had it. I was like put me out of my misery. I dont think i have ever been at a rock bottom mentally with the pain aspect. I am so exhausted from not being able to sleep due to the pain also.

Please know i am very very grateful to be pregnant and get this opportunity but i also am in tons of pain everyday now. Sometimes in so much pain i pray for an anth. doc! lol.

So after all that.. i have an exam tonight in school, work on sorting some clothes, u/s tomorrow at 1030am, baby shower at 2pm, and football game at 6pm. Dont fret i am not going to the game. Lord knows that is when my water would break! lol. I will be watching it in the comforts of my own home. I also have homework that i have to do saturday night and have a HUGE exam monday.

Here is my most rescent belly pic. NO LAUGHING FOLKS! It was taken this Wednesday. I feel huge! Well every part of me feels huge but yeah.

I am seriously hoping this girl comes sometime in the near future.. Like after the 11th.

32 wk update

Here is my ob appt update from yesterday. I copied it from my post on the iv board.

Okay ladies.. today was a day from heck at work. I think i was ready to shoot every pt that called. Just that kind of day. All of them were the drama pt's like make me want to explode. Plus that makes me not be able to be on iv. :) Anywho. So here is what happened at the doc's today. Did not look at the scale, bp was nice a bit elevated but says due to work, hb was great 160, and tummy is measuring a wee behind but says that is fine due to me giving birth to small ones. Just to watch her movement. :) So then pants off. That is where it gets interesting. First thing he says is man you are the dc queen today. Umm thanks for noticing. lol. Then does my ffn.. I will get those results in the morning. If they are + same drill go to LD and get roids then PERMA BR at home. ICK! Not for me. I will stick with mod thank you so we need a -. :) Then he says well i am going to carefully check that cervix. sure whatever. Then checks it and says sit up. We need to do some chatting. I am dilated almost 3cm! HOLY SH*#! He says almost 3cm at the bottom and 2 at top. Still 45% effaced so that is great. he says he is not changing my plan at all. Says that we are doing descent and he almost expected this. He says after October 11th if she is born there is nada he can do to stop it. So i just have to be EXTRA careful for the next 15 days. then 4 more days of semi careful then DONE! I am a bit freaked at being almost 3CM. I know you can sit there for days or hours. But kinda praying for 19 days.. I mean i need my good night with dh before i go in labor! ;) lol. So that is the news ladies. My life ceases to be dull! I will update tomorrow on the results.
So now i am just hoping to hold out till after my date with my dh on the 10th of October. I mean i deserve that! lol. Then she can come. They will administer steriods if i go in labor before 35wks but not after. He thinks she will do just fine. I personally have this weird feeling that this lil lady is going to hang on till at least 36 wks. She knows i really want to take her sisters tot'ing. So i bet she comes right before.

1 yr today Angel Robert went to heaven

1 year today my life was totally changed. The way i would view pregnancy, people, and aspects of life. 1 yr ago today i had to walk in the hospital and sign in at the pre-op desk and tell them what i was there for. I would soon lose the best surprise of my life.
On August 26th i found out i was pregnant. After many struggles with endo and if we were really baffled as we thought we never could get pregnant on our own. We were so happy. Not what was planned but hey that is life right. So i call the doc. Get an u/s and find out i am already 6wks pregnant. Holy smokes. I did not have a period in almost 2yrs due to pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding of Alexus. there on the screen was a tiny bean with a flicker of a hb. I instantly fell in love. Fast forward to my prenate appt and u/s my life would change walking in the u/s room. She puts the wand on my belly and turns the screen FAST! I knew something was wrong. She has me leave the room and wait for the ob. I am sobbing. He walks in and says "alisha the baby does not have a hb." I thought i was living a nightmare.. I mean i had to be just dreaming. Not me.. Not us! That is not the way pregnancy ran in my books. So then we were asked what we wanted to do. Wait it out, pray it happens fast, or have a dnc and do some cultures on the "product of remains". We opt for the dnc as i could not stand the thought of having a dead "embryo" in me. So the next morning 9/20 my only son as i would find out would be taken from me. I remember crying so hard in the OR. I made the nurse anth girl cry, the or staff cry, and my poor ob is like hun you have to settle down so we can sedate you. I just could not do it. I could not handle the thought of this happening.Finally they got me sedated and did their job. I woke up in the recovery room and just started crying again. How could they do this.. Why. The nurses were so compassionate there. Held my hands and told me it was going to be okay and that i would be blessed again and i would walk out of the hospital again with a baby. I just kept crying and one of my post op nurses had to leave bc she started crying and could not handle it.
That was the day i felt like my life went to hell and back. I still hear the words there is no hb alisha. Last night ihad a dream i was living it all over again. Why.. Not fair at all.

Angel,
Mommy misses you so much. I would have love to known who you would have looked like. Were you going to be tall and thin or medium and chunky. :) Were you going to be an easy baby or would you give your mommy a run for her money. I would have loved to have those first moments with you and hold you and rock you. Daddy misses you to he just expresses it differently. My heart aches all the time. Please know mommy loves you so much and will never forget you. Please watch over your sisters, daddy, and I. Please watch over this baby in mommy's belly and help keep her safe. Know that she is not taking the place in my heart for you. Just adding to mommy's heart. Angel i dont think no one can imagine the pain and heart ache mommy feels right now. Angel knows mommy thinks about you everyday. I love and miss you so much.
Love you,
Your mommy

31wk update

Hello all. So first my pregnancy update. I went to the doc yesterday.. weight was horrible. I cried on the scale bc they had to move my bar up. :( I am rather hormonal so those things can make a woman cry. lol. Then i went and sat in the doc's chair and did not want on the table so he knew my mood when i got there. The da nurse from l&d did not do my FFN test so he could not do it bc she murdered my cervix the night before. I really want to kick her in the shins. So i have to go back next monday to have it done. Frankly i dont care anymore. If she comes she comes and we will have to cope with that. (mind you i am rather frustrated). He asked me if i am miserable. well hmm you have a part of your body contracting all the time and tell me how you feel. Not so perky buddy! lol. So i did found out i passed my GTT. Which is awesome. I can't live without my carbs. I mean how else are we going to cause scale drama! lol. He reminded me that he does not stop labor after 35 wks and that if i want to try natural rememdies then i can set my heart to do them. By gosh buddy count on that after 36wks though. I really wanna be pregnant for tot'ing but right after i am going to try and get this lil gal out! lol. I told my doc that too and he says just wait till after 9pm on halloween bc i want to go tot'ing with the kiddies. Okay great! Then he reminded me eh aren't you supposed to try and hold out till your cousin has her baby. Umm yeah that is the plan but man this discomfort is swaying me not to wait. lol. Plus who knows if this lil girl is into waiting it out. We will try and convince her a bit. I gotta hold the little guy for a couple mins then i can go in labor. sounds good. :) Okay so we are pregnant for a bit longer and doc thinks anywhere after the 14th of october she will come. Less than a month potentially. WOW!

My evening in jail (l&d)

Good evening. I just got home from a good evening in l&d. I started having some bleeding/spotting issues yesterday then today i felt like she was going to claw her way out. So while eating dinner with my bil and mil i start having contrx every 2mins. After meds nothing would stop so we haul my butt up there. They say oh you are a 2. Yep i know. Doc says check her in 1hr if no change give shot and go home. That is what we did. :) So i will be pregnant for a while longer. Hopefully for about 40 days longer.

As i checked the mail today (a post about my angels)

I seen a newsletter from the support group I attend once a month. I open it and read the news and what not for the month. I see some of those poems and my heart just aches. I flip the page and see a page that says REMEMBERING OUR ANGELS SEPTEMBER 2008. I look down and see ANGEL ROBERT 9/20/07. My heart just breaks so bad. Just reading his name breaks me in two. 1 yr ago today i was living life so innocently just thinking i was pregnant and happy and life was going to be honky dory. Yeah until 6 days later it would all fall apart for me to pick the pieces up again. I will never forget my angels. They will always be apart of me. They were made in love and well wanted whether we planned them or not. God knows i miss my only son.
Speaking of someone asked me if i regret finding out that my baby was a boy. At the moment it was asked. I was angered by that. Why would someone say such a thing? But it made me reflect. Part of me wishes that the doc would not have said anything. I was so curious as to know but when it came down to it I did not but the doc said HE and then said SHE with my second loss. I confirmed. Why i dont know but i confirmed with the doc. Do i regret it? Somedays yes bc i know i will never have a son to hold only one to memorialize. But then again i know i had a son if only for a few weeks with a beating heart and even if he just looked like a glob.
As the 20th approaches i just ask for a few prayers for my heart. It still aches alot and i still miss my angel babies alot. Another thing that got to me today was a cousin of mine called me a bout breastfeeding advice (the one that had a baby around the time Angel Robert was due). I anwered the question and just sat there and cried thinking what would i have been doing now. Would i still be breastfeeding or would i be using formula. Ah this just sucks. Anywho. Thanks for praying for us.

2 months or less

I will be holding my newest addition in 2 months or less. I keep having dreams that I give birth to this tiny tiny baby. She only weighs about 3.8lbs. In my dream i can see the scale. I am hoping for a 5lb baby at least. :) I just hope that this dream was due to my doc talking to me about my measurements. But i have had it several times even before he said something so i am going to ask for a fetal growth u/s just to put my nerves at ease. I mean all he can say is no. But i am known to usually get my way with the u/s. ;) So 2mths from today (or less) she will be here with us. I have so much to do. We are going to work on some of the stuff this weekend and rearrange rooms and work with my 2yro on sleeping in a big girl bed so she does not think the baby is going to be taking her bed. I also have a ton of school work to get done so i can pass my classes. I dont know what i was thinking by taking a full load this semester.But i can do it right?! lol. 2 weeks from this saturday is my baby shower and then i will go and get the going home outfit. I also found the bedding that i would like. Dh likes this bedding also. So that is awesome! Anywho i had to let everyone know that i am so happy that i have less than 2mths of being pregnant!
This morning was a rough one and i told aaron we are trying to get this girl out after the mark where they wont stop labor. He totally agreed. So lots of pineapple, adult activities, epo, and rasberry leaf tea. :)

Still here and still pregnant! :)

Hello all. I am still here and still pregnant. I am still hanging out at 2cm dilated and definitely open at top and bottom now which is what he thought last week. We are thinning more but not a dying concern of his right now. I have to go back next week and have another FFN done. He said he would not be surprised if it did pop up + bc how consistent my contractions are getting and staying at times. She is measuring behind by 1.5wks but he said that could be the way she was laying and that if he she is still measuring behind then we will do an u/s just to make sure her little home in there is treating her nicely. :) Today i feel like her tore my cervix up. I know he was gentle but my gosh it hurts. All i am asking her to do is wait until after the 27th of september. Remember gotta be pregnant for my baby shower. lol. Doc pushed back my induction day to the 11th of November due to a meeting he has to attend to. (what crap!) but he said alisha i am just booking it just to give you peace of mind. He said frankly i can't see you making it past the first week of November. I so want to go in labor on election day. I just think it would be funny! lol. Or while i am tot'ing with my kids. Now that would be hilarious! I have so much to get done between now and next month. Tons of cleaning and rearranging and school. Next week is the fair. Don't fret i will have my handy wheelchair to cart me around. :) Anywho. I will update after my full appt on Monday at 315pm cst.

Headed to the OB's

well i thought i would let everyone know while i am waiting for my mom to pick me up that i am headed to the ob's office. contrx every 3-5mins and we attempted pills but they are not working so he is thinking he will just have to give me a shot. I am praying that is all. Frankly i am so sick of this. Done, tired, and ready to throw my towel in. I dont know that i can take 8 more weeks of this or 60 days of this crap. Anyways if you dont hear anything we are okay. If anything crazy happens dh will update the blog.

My uterus and i are fighting again!

Hello all. Well here i sit praying my lovely meds will kick in. I am having contrx every 1.5 mins lasting 30secs. I am seriously tired of this crap. I refuse to go to L&D. They will just say eh it is what it is. I can wait till my ob opens tomorrow for a cervical check. I do believe i lost the last part of my mucus plug today or whatever regenerated. Sorry for the rant but come on seriously is 11.5wks of this crap enough? Can we get some peace and silence going on for a say 3.5 - 4 wks please? Well i am headed off to take some benedryl and lay on the left side and doc just called back and wants me to pop yet another pill and see what happens.
Dang uterus just be quiet for a while. ugh.

3D u/s was a bust again! :(

Hello all. So we went to our 3D u/s yesterday and again the lil lady was not a cooperative person. I am beginning to think this is how she is going to be when she comes out too. The lil lady would not even give us a descent shot of anything. So here is one of her arm. Pretty defined one if you ask me for a 2D but that is about it. We are going to try again on the 27th God willing she is not in the world by then. (Better not be! lol)

29 wk update

Hello all. So sorry for the delay in updating. I had my ob appt on the 2nd of sept. It went okay. Weight sucked. But whatever. I am so over that now. I dont even look at the scale now. lol. Bp was great, hb was wonderful, and she loved kicking the nurse. So doc comes in and says alisha can we really not make 2 weeks without an event going on? Yeah sorry buddy you know that is just one of the things i strive for to make our lives more complicated! Right on! lol. He did my FFN and it came back with a 5% chance of delivering in two weeks. I will take that! Thanks for my 2wk pass and getting me to 31wks. :) Then he checks my cervix and says OH you need to sit up we need to have a talk. Um whatever happen to happy cheery dude? lol. Well anyways i am 2cm, 25% effaced. I have lost my mucus plug which i thought i did. He said again that it can regenerate so not to douche (yeah like i do it everyday! jk), use tampons, have sex, or use any deodarant soaps around that area. So yeah. We mentioned our induction date and he just laughed and said hun we will make sure you are scheduled for the 7th but i can't see you making it till then. But we are going to prove him wrong. I need to wait until November 1st at least. I want to take my girls tot'ing! :) I already got their halloween costumes and everything. :) He said by chance you do make it to 38wks he would probably be begging me to have an induction. lol. So that is the jist of it. I go back on the 15th of sept. I have my 3D scan this saturday. I am so hyped for that. I just hope she performs for me.

A little frustrated (warning there is a rant post here! lol)

Hello all. Well we still have a baby in here. Which is great news. Contrx on and off but what is new. The one thing that is new everytime i move from sitting to standing i feel like i am leaking a bit. I am praying that is my crazy brain. Also i had to make a grocery store trip real quick and since then it feels as though she is going to fall out and my cervix is ripping open. Last night was a whirl wind. Contrx every 2 mins for a bit got them shut up. Then i thought i would go see my cousin since he just came back from his boot camp for the marines. On the drive my uterus decides she wants to make herself known too. I DONT THINK SO! lol. So after our night i get home and find that i am BLEEDING AGAIN! ERH! This time it was not from some crazy nurse who was murdering my cervix either. I dont know what started this deal. Before anyone mentions NO SEX OR STIMULATION WAS DONE! Lord bless the on call nurses bc i know they dont know that everyone and their mom asks me that but last night i almost bit her head off. lol. Hmm maybe my uterus would shut up if she did have some action! lol . jk! So that is that. I have an appt tomorrow at 320pm so we will know what is going on downstairs.
Ah btw baby girl says hello. She is kicking up a storm. :)
WARNING MY RANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Okay for my rant. So i talk to my mom today and she says oh have you talked to A (cousin on my dad's side of the family that is pregnant with her surprise bundle that she does not want. ah you prob remember that rant sometime ago. lol) I was like no what is her deal. So she called to ask if i would be there at the birth. Umm NO! I can't drive to Yukon much less to Tulsa without contrx! I mean at least there i had tons of family that could have hopped in my car and drove crazy rat speed and got me to the hossy. :) So my mom told her no and that she was sorry and she got MAD! She was like why not? Does she not know this is my special day and i want her there? So my mom trys explaining the severity of the situation (shots, two different pills, modified bedrest, and frequent trips to l&d and docs) She still says is she mad at me and blah and blah. Then she asks if i coming for her shower. Okay i wish i could but i can't! Personally i don't think i want to really. I have alot of emotional issues that i deal with with my losses and she just happens to be due around the time of my second loss and plus why would i want to go up there and be with someone who lets you know all the time how easy it is to get pregnant when you forget the condom and how she does not want this baby. PULEASE! I would probably strangle her! We did tell her we would come up after her baby is born and bring our gifts and what not to her. I might even send a care package. Just to show i am really not that careless and heartless. Plus she is back with the same man she was with when she had her first dd. He is the one that was so rude and belligerent when i drove up there to be with her when she was giving birth to her bc her man said that this was a bastard that was being born and he was not the father. Yeah he told the nurses to escort me and my mom out. Eh whatever. My nephew was born that night too so i got to be with him. :) But really i just don't think she understands this situation. So now she is upset about it all. I mean what can i do? I am NOT going up there and then go in labor up there that is for sure!