Merry Christmas and ramblings..

Hi there. So Merry Christmas first of all. We had a good day. The girls had such a blast opening their gifts. Aaron was a sweetheart and got me a leather jacket and a windbreaker suit that i wanted. :) Fun stuff. Genesis just had so much fun. She thought every gift was hers. It was so nice getting to talk to my family and have some fun. Much needed. So that is that.

Okay now.. Life has been hectic. With everything that has been going on. I had a bad cold/infection and it was crap. Took gene to urgent care and they misdiagnosed her. ERH! I could slap them. So we found out it was a sinus infection and not Pink eye. She had her christmas program and it was so cute! I can't belive my baby is getting so big. Then i went to the doc for my cold and she noticed a heart mumur. So she had me do all this bloodwork. We found out my B12 is really low. So now i have to take supplements for that. Then she wants me to talk to the ob about preventing another mc. But hello dont you think i have asked that???! So i had a stress test done and it went great! Today i had a u/s of my heart and we wont have the results on that for a while. He says tomorrow but i am thinking in medical terms that means 7-10days. lol. Just depends what they find right. So yeah. That is about that.
On the ttc front. I never got my peak on my fertility monitor and i am bummed. Aaron would not bd unless i had a peak. wth?? So yeah. We did bd one day and hope that is enough but prob not. Just kinda hoping that we get our BFP in 2008. Hopefully before the July deadline. I really want to do this on my own and not have surgery. So here it goes to another month of ttc.
On the healing on the m/c front. I just want to get back to the old me. I hate the new me. I can't stand being depressed when i see a pg woman. I can't stand not being happy for my cousin. You probably think the solution is be happy. Wish it was just that easy. My cousin was griping about the pg woes and how she would not wish this stuff on anyone. Well i wish i was just still pg. Then she calls and asks me about her baby shower list. HELLO. What part of lost my baby do you not get. I dont want to help with her shower list. Yes selfish but i have my reasons. She is due the same day i was. So yeah just feels like a knife cutting that wound. I just want to know when i am going to get a step up and feel better about all this. KWIM??
Well i think that is about it for now. I am going to go take a nap. I am so freaking tired.

Friday

Today is Friday. It is going okay. Yesterday was the christmas memorial and it was really good. I cried like a baby from the moment i walked in to the moment i walked out. I just wish i had to have to be there. kwim. I wanted to feel my angel kicking and moving and the hiccups. But i know God has a plan. I just have to keep telling myself that! Very very frustrating. But they gave us an ornament with our Angel's name on it. I am definitely going to hang it on my tree! They also played a song by Natalie Grant... Held. OMG balled my eyes out. my bff baby passed away and then right away this song came on. just reminded me of her. This just sucks. But i am looking for 2008 and hoping that we get blessed with another sticky baby.
Alisha

Thursday Ramblings!

Okay so today is thursday and tonight is our christmas memorial for the PRIDE support group that we go to. So far it is such a blessing to go to. We can actually talk about our child being our child and not just a mc pregnancy. KWIM? well yah. i know tonight will be all sorts of emotional but i really need to go.
Then i am wondering why i subject myself to this crap.. I seen one of the girls post on the boards that is due when i was. It was annoucing the gender of their baby. My heart just crushed bc i know i was supposed to be finding out. I just want to go hide in a hole when this stuff happens. I just wanted that baby so badly. I know i will hopefully get another chance.
I am so ready to be over this depression stuff. I hate being tired all the time and not really wanting to do anything or be motivated about anything.
i just have one question for God: WHY GIVE IT TO ME WHEN YOU TOOK IT RIGHT AWAY?
Alisha

Sunday sunday!

Hi all today is sunday... Well to start off it is very cold outside. Sucks bc well it is icy out and snowy. In oklahoma not a good mixture is all i have to really say. lol. People get their panties in a wad and freak out. Hello this is oklahoma people we get snow and ice in the winter. Anywho..

I had a wonderful annv. Dh woke me up thursday with roses and a card. Then after work he took me to dinner and gave me a really nice watch. I LOVE IT. Then i gave him his ipod... which i have to say i am not as impressed with this as i thought i would be! But he was ever so excited. So anywho. I had a nice night being able to eat dinner by myself and enjoy every bite! After dinner we went to the hotel and had a nice time there.. Only complaint is dh wanted to watch tv.. Uh hello we can watch tv at home! erh! But yeah.. The next morningwe went to breakfast at our little snazzy place we like to go to. So it was nice. We had some intentions of going christmas shopping for the girls but i stupidly went and got the mail and damn wouldn't you know it had to ruin my freaking day. The damn insurance company sends me this healthy preg club bull shit that i have to do. WTF? How long does it have to be post-loss that they get the freaking hint? i mean they have sent me statements saying i owe this portion. uh hello nimrods thanks for bringing it back in my face. BTW i have repeatedly told them i have had a m/c. I went off. I called and i let them all have it. I dont want another mc mother to have to go through this ever again!
But yeah that is the synopsis of that. (sorry for the late post)

AF is here! Anniv week

Hi there. Well she showed saturday while i was shopping at wal-mart. could not have the courtsey to show while i was at home. then had to be a real pia. i am in so much pain. i was crying and dh says hun i will try so hard next month to get you knocked up. lol. yeah thanks babe! so this month we shall try but not going to focus really hard on it. i want to get a good grade on my finals then we can proceed to getting that baby.
so this month wil be our first month to use our Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor. I am excited but not holding out hope. kwim... but december has been a good month to us bf so hopefully again. i would not mind another september baby. i would be extremely happy to find out after new year's that i am pg. good way to start the year.
also this week is my 5yr annv. we are not really doing a whole lot for our annv. just maybe a motel and dinner or something. we have two annv's and i think the church one is going to have to be the big one this year. we are so busy with work and such but we are going to make time for each other. i am excited about making it 5yrs. i love my dh, we have been through alot in 5yrs. i hope we can make it a lifetime!
back to the ttc front. i have been researching foster to adopt and am thinking alot about it. the only problems i forsee going with it is aaron's family wont be too keen about us adopting a child when they think we dont have a ton of money to be giving our children. but we are not poor by any stretch of the imagination. whatever in the end i think it is our decision. i want a big family. we shall see if that happens in due time. I guess when God wants whatever to happen he will grant it to us. I am praying so hard.
have fun.

Bummed!

Hi today. Today is a good day i guess. I had my appt yesterday and it went good i guess. Doc says everything is fine and yes my endo is back. So guess what... it is going to be harder to concieve! Just frustrating to me. I want the baby i lost back. ERH. Anywho.
So yesterday i had my temp shift after a dip which i was somewhat optomistic. but of course my body gives me a low ass temp this morning and bam cramping begins! I am so upset. I just want to be preggo again.
I have had a good cry and told my dh how i feel. I feel like he is not putting his all into this process. Bitches and moans about having sex. Okay if you dont want to have sex with your wife then F YOU. (i am just frustrated right now!) I am going to through crap trying to get pg and he just has to have an orgasim! I know it is probably more complicated then this. ;) But at any rate i am just frustrated and i want to gripe about it. That is what my blog is for.
Oh i was told "you already have 2 kids why gripe and belly ache." uh hello. i dont think anyone should be putting me down or shooting my feelings down bc i already have two kids. that does not make infertility hurt less. Just means i went through hell and back and now i have two precious earth angels and one heaven angel now. I want one more!
I have done some thinking though. I want to focus more on my schooling and not all just on ttc. My grades are suffering and that is not good bc i want to be more than what i am right now. I hate being a secretary! not for me! I want to feel important and do something that i love!
I am going to attempt to not dwell on the process as much next month. Just do my CBEFM.
I want this baby bad but i dont want to risk my marriage and miss that bond with the children that i do have. I feel like i obsess on this matter so much that i dont really give my full attn to where it needs to be.
Have fun and GO OU. game is tom night!

Missing my bean!

Hi there. I know you probably get tired of the same ole post but yeah. Gotta get it out somewhere. lol.
Today is just a up and down kinda day for me. I am sitting here just missing my bean. I was supposed to find out the gender in a couple of weeks so just frustrated right now. Also i get tired of hearing my family say well in this family we are all fertile. NO THE HELL WE ARE NOT ALL FERTILE or i guess i was adopted. They say just relax or all it took was having sex for us. Well NEWSALERT!!! I am having sex. ERH! Oh and mind you the descency of a cousin. She says do you miss your baby????!!!!WTF! How in the HELL do you ask someone a question like that. My only thought was would you miss your son if he passed away! ERH! I just want to cry my eyes out right now! But yeah.
I go to the doctor this thursday and well i am just plain not looking forward to it. I hate going there knowing that is where i found out i lost my baby at... Just the memories of that office just gives me the jibbies! But a girls has to do what a girl has to do. kwim. lol.

On the upside of things. Dh and i will be celebrating 5yrs offically married on Dec 6th. I am excited. I have his annv present already. Went out on black friday and had a wonderful time and got his present. He is so in for a shocker! lol. I cant wait to see his reaction. I would love to find out i am pg that day too. But eh oh well. Next month is always a try too. lol.
Alexus started walking really descent on t-day. It was awesome. And i was there to see it. I work full time so usually i get told about her first. Then genesis is starting to talk more into sentences now. I am so excited bc now she can communicate better with me! Yeah. She turns three at the end of december. How big she is getting.
Well i think that is about it for now.
alisha

Thanksgiving Update!

hey there. today is saturday and i took a pg and got bfn! ugh. but i think i am only 5dpo. i dont care what ff says about it. i got a +opk last saturday i believe. anywho. i went to thanksgiving and survived. she was not there which was almost a blessing to me. but there were other comments that got on my nerves but i guess you cant avoid them all. some people are just too freaking stubborn.
i hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving!
alisha

Two months and counting!

Today is 2mths and 1 day. I meant to write yesterday but i was so busy. Yesterday i had to take genesis with me to the doctor to have a barium follow through. NOT FUN! but we got through it and she is my champ! I love her so much! All of my kids. But yeah. When she wrapped her arms around me and said mommy i love you so much. I was like aww. But yeah. When i got home my hb had locked his keys in the truck! So i knew a local mom who's hb does it for a living and we called him and he came and unlocked dh's truck! But anyways... I had a moment to reflect yesterday and it was saddening but okay. I knew it was the 2mth anniv of my baby being gone and what i was supposed to be experiencing right now. That hurts alot. Hb let me go to bed early last night which was good bc i am just an emotional wreck right now. I dont want to see my cousin by any means right now. She is edd on my edd. So yeah. What will hurt worse is when/if she invites me to the baby shower. kwim. I keep thinking that god has a plan. But anywho i will write more later. i am so freaking tired again today.
alisha

Why can i not think about anything else??????!!!

Okay so today i sit here and i can not wrap my mind around anything else but ttc and ovulating! I would love to go back to the old me where i can just think of what iam going to fix for dinner the next day or when i am going to aerobics! I hate this. I keep telling myself that i am not going to think about it! But how can you not. Seriously this is about the only thing that is keeping my sanity right now. If i dont think of this, then my mind tends to wonder about my angel and such. :( Just wish i still was pg and i would not have to be going through all of this damn mess! I want someone(GOD) to give me my baby back! Now i know what every woman in the world goes through when ttc after a loss. (I never wanted to know that feeling but i guess god wanted to bless me with it!) Every twinge, every move, you just sit and wonder! Enough already! Anywho i have a doctors appt on the 29th of November. I am hoping he will test to see if i am and get a BFP. But if i dont it is on to December! :)
alisha

That kind of day!

Hi there. Today is well one of those crummy days. I did not get much sleep as that is usual in my world now. Then aaron and i have been having some minor issues. I dont feel like he is putting 100% in this ttc thing. I am taking my temp every morning, peeing on sticks till i see blue in the face, watching cm, then feeling my bb's to see what all is going on. And all he can say is hun i am too tired to baby dance tonight. WTF???!!! I mean hello all you have to do is your freaking business. How freaking hard is that?????? It is probably harder than what i think but oh well. I give no sympathy to him. Then today i am just missing being pg with my angel. I want to so badly be able to feel those kicks and stuff. Just hard to accept sometimes. My goal is though to hopefully be pg bf may so i can focus on feeling some little kicks. Wishing this month but i am guessing November is going to a bust month. :( Oh well we will try next month! Oh forget to say i got a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor. The fancy one! I am so excited. Also if i am not pg this month i am going to my ob and telling him about the throbbing thing in my lower right side! Just to make sure it is nothing preventing us from getting pg.
Well that is enough complaining for one day. I just miss my baby.

Held a baby!

Today for the first time since my m/c i held a baby for a few breif moments. I work for a neuro clinic and this poor baby was here to get an eeg due to having a stroke at birth. She is just so beautiful. This baby would not stop crying so i stepped outside my office and just had to love on this baby. (mother's loving kwim?) so i went and held this baby and a whirl wind of emotions just wrapped me. It made me realize how much i wanted this again. How much i wanted to hold my baby again and i will never get to. I did not shed one tear in front of that daddy's face. I told him what a good daddy he was being and how much she is so beautiful and such. Right now i just want to sit and have a good cry. To feel the warmth and love come from such a tiny baby. When that baby looked me in the eyes i was like omg i wont get this. But in the same breath it kind of gave me a feeling of that everything is and will be okay. kwim? I wanted to annoucing that i could feel the kicks and such this week but i wont get to. My heart really hurts at the moment.
Oh i think i am in the 2ww also with the ttc. So we shall see.
Alisha

Oh Saturday.....

Today i sit here typing during the OU vs Baylor game. My goodness right now it is in the 3rd quater and it is 42 - 21 Ou in the lead. But yeah. I went to the support group on thursday and might i add it was very very helpful. It helped me to know there are other women out there going through the troubles that i am. Now on thursday i got an email that said "baby buried alive" WTF???!!! I got so mad. It was very very hurtful to me. How can someone in their right mind send something like that to me! ERH! So when i went to my PRIDE group meeting i mentioned of it and how it really hurt my feelings. They were all ready to come down and beat the holy hell out of them! Oh while we were at pride we found out the date for the memorial service. It is December 13, 2007 at 7:30. I am somewhat excited. Today was a somewhat emotional day for me. Everywhere i went i seen big preggos or tiny babies. So when i came home from walmart i just cried and cried. Aaron just wrapped me up and loved on me.. But he reassured me that i am going to get pg soon and in time this will get better. Oh i think i will be o'ing soon. I took my opk and it was somewhat dark just not same as or darker. So i guess we shall see. I am not too optomistic this month. But he says it will happen when i am least expecting it. hmm we shall see. anywho. i will sign off tonight.

Why does it matter?

Hi all. I was having a wonderful day today. Well until my fil has to call. Yeah oh yeah good. So i asked him if he can watch the girls thursday night while i go to pride. (m/c support group) He says why are you still going to that? Well bc i miss my fricking baby wth do you think i am going. He wonders why i just cant get over it. Well it was my baby not his that he lost. It was his grandbaby which he will never acknoledge. I think i just might show him that damn u/s so he can see that there was a freaking baby in there. KWIM! My heart hurts. ERH! I thought i was doing so good. I was talking to a friend last night and was able to talk about my angel and be okay with it. I even showed her my u/s pic. I felt proud that was my baby for that long. Why oh why do people have to put you down.
I am so excited about going to PRIDE. My mom is going with me this week. She needs the support also. They miss their little angel. My mom has always been the supportive one for me. She is my best friend. So i definitely want her to be there with aaron and i. I know it will not be an easy meeting but at least she can see what we do. Everytime i cry and just dont think i can take it anymore i call her and she gives me a boost and vice versa. She knows that i want to be pregnant so bad again. (My fil does not know this and i could care less wether he knows or not, he is not my daddy and nor my husband). The way i am feeling about it right now. If i want to have 10 damn kids then i will. (if my hb wanted to but GOD knows i do not want 10! Just one more!)
Right now i am frustrated as hell. I just wish that he would keep his comments to hisself. And for notes sake... I AM NOT AND WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT MY CHILD I WONT BE ABLE TO HOLD, LOVE, AND CARE FOR!

Monday Monday (bunches of rambling)

Hi all. Today is yet another lovely monday. Freaking out over a paper that is due at school. (I go to college for my bs in Business Management with emphasis on marketing!) But i did get the paper done. Half ass but hey who gives a darn. As long as i keep a C in that class. :) But anywho i do something to celebrate! AF IS GONE GONE! heck ya. Any woman can celebrate that! So now i am doing the waiting game! Waiting for that O to come. So now we are going to do the sme plan (sperm meets the egg plan) eod till + opk then every day for 3 days then break one day then bd one more day. we shall see if it happens.

Life is nuts at work. I had drug rep day today and well yah. Not all of them know i am not pg anymore so they still make gestures and stuff. It still hurts pretty bad. I just wish they would understand that i am not just going to "get over it". Angel was my baby i have the u/s to prove that was my baby! ERGH!

Also i have an assignment for PRIDE. I am going to make a page with my u/s pics on it and man oh man that is one of the hardest things to do. It is a gut check every time i have to look at that freaking picture. I want a date where i will be okay. You know. Like re-coop time. But ob says never going to happen. Oh and do you think i am wrong for counting my angel in my child count. I mean if i know a bunch of q's are going to stem from this i will say nothing but i usually say three and no q's.

Anywho. I have to go pick up aaron when i get off work. That i am kind of excited about. We get two moments of alone time! yah! ;)

Oh and i have to make a confession. I go to school on friday nights at a local university. There is this guy in my class. OMG! HOW HOT! I cant believe it. When he first talked to me i am like uh why are you talking me again? But yeah. We are both in committed relationships. Which makes it easier to talk to him. But omg. Too cute. Oh and btw i have told dh and he is not the least bit jealous. He says as long as you come home to me. eh good.

Anywho that is my weekend. So here is to baby dancing for the next two weeks!

Will i ever be the same?

Hello there. Today is six weeks since my m/c. It is driving me crazy. My heart aches. Last night i took the girls trick or treating and man all i wanted to do is ball my eyes out.
Today i have been thinking alot about my angel. What i wanted to do for him and such. With both my children i felt them kick at 14wks and i would have been 14wks this sunday. Part of me keeps thinking i am supposed to feel that kick and nope not gonna feel it. Not even gonna get those petty braxton hicks i always got at 12wks. I woke up thinking about my angel today and that is all i have had on my mind.
Another thing is bothering me. You know when you know something is wrong.That is how i feel about my bowel issues. Like i know something is wrong but cant get a damn person to listen to me! I dont want it to harm me and then i want to be able to get pg and carry another baby to term! I just wish someone would listen. I just got a call from my surgeon that says we can not do a damn thing for ya. Nothing is wrong! BS! Whatever! ERGH! I have yet to wonder why a damn thing can't go the way i want it to go! Then another thing is bothering me. We are supposed to start ttc this weekend. I just have a feeling it is not going to go the way i want it. Dh has a low sex drive and well he thinks that he does not need sex but once a blue moon. Ugh hello here i am trying to make a baby! He says he is going to try real hard this month until it happens. Whatever. I just really want to run as far away as i can get right now! Christmas is coming and i was supposed to find out the gender of the baby right around then but not going to happen either so right now the upcoming holidays idea is so freaking depressing. I just want to keep my head afloat and be able to get through this issue.
My one question is Will i ever be the same?

The wicked witch is here!

hello all. the wicked witch is here! i cant believe she visited me! we gave it a descent shot but i knew in the back of my mind that it might now happen! I just have this huge void in my heart. I want to hold another baby in my arms. I want that bond that i got to have with my two other girls. but yeah. i was just heart broken when the stupid witch showed. The only thing good that came out of it is we have somewhere to work from.

Just some rambling.

hi all. Today is a wonderful day outside. Cool but not cold. Today i almost feel lost and out of sorts. I feel like i am missing something. You know like when you go on vacation and leave something at home and have duh moment. Yeah i am constantly feeling like duh i am missing something. I just miss my angel tons. I keep thinking i am supposed to hear the hb this week! But yeah i know it wont happen but you know.
Then i have been having these crazy dreams. Like one of them was someone was having twins and went for their u/s and i could see the u/s so clearly and it was like a 3D one. KWIM?! Right bf i got pg with Angel i had a dream that i was pg and my edd was may 8th. My real edd was May 4th. It was very crazy. I do have some preminisions and have had dreams when my cousins get preggo. Then bam end up preggo. So i am just wondering if it is going to be and Lord if it is could you please make sure i get to hold my babies and they are healthy. (besides that Lord, if i may get a lil greedy... can i PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP have a BOY?!) I mean in the bible you say be specific so i am! So yeah i am just wondering who in my family will have the twins. As of right now my cousin and i are the only one that is "able" to have children. (or of child baring age) Any who.
Also yesterday i overheard a call about a 14-15 yro pg and EXCITED!?! okay that was an ultimate foot in the gut, punch in the eye, and knock me on the ground call. I mean hello i wanted my baby. i am in a loving relationship, think my hb is a wonderful man, love my chidren. WHY OH WHY????! So yeah it got me crying all the way home. I was just an emotional wreck. Not cool at all. Then i get home and hb looks at me like wth can i go a day without you crying. But he did comfort me and then we just spent two moments alone. Well and bd too! *wink*. He is being great through all of this. It is very hard on him knowing that he lost his child too. He wants another one ASAP.
Well hope you all have a wonderful week. Blessings to you all.
Alisha

2 week wait and my weekend!

hey there. i am sitting here about to go batty. i concurred saturday. was really depressed as that was 1 mth to the day my angel flew away. but i went and got my nails done and spent some time with the ones that care about me! then i go on fertility friend and they say that i o'd! wth! exciting but could have went my whole day and not seen that! now i am wondering did it take? could i be? PLEASE OH PLEASE LORD! but yeah going nuts over here. everything i think about is pregnancy. my hb calls and wakes me up this morning and goes how is the temp? still up at 98.0 f. so eh i dont know a damn bit about temping so i just say eh whatever. i know i will be an emotional wreck if i do get my af. oh btw did iever say ttc is not for the non-paitent people! it is a hurry up and wait thing and dear oh dear i cant do those deals!
on the flip side of things i went to a hotel with dh. it was really nice. thanks to texas roadhouse we could not eat where we wanted to. i love that place but a 2 hr wait! BS! not i (yet again i am not a paitent person!) so we went to chili's and ate there, then to the hotel. it was good. we layed there and snuggled for a bit then bd and went night night! sad you go to a hotel just to go to sleep basically! lol. then it was to home and take care of the kiddos.
saturday the 1 mth anniversary... i went to this local rest where we go all the time and we had told them i was preggers last time and the girl comes up to me says how are you doing? (in my mind i was like oh shit i dont want to do this) then she says man you look fab you dont even have a belly! i said yeah that is bc our angel went to heaven! and just started to cry. the girl felt horrible! she just went to the back for a bit. she said she was so upset! not as upset as i was! after a good night and then this! dh was kind of upset! he was really trying hard to keep my mind off of things. it is just so freaking hard! kwim! but yeah.
anywho so now iam off to go do some work. well maybe. i shall update soon!

A good day today!

Hey there. Today is a good day. I went to work and half my co-workers not there! HOORAY! Then i got on priceline and got hb and i room for tonight! Oh i am so excited... It is at a fairly descent hotel and got it CHEAP! So we are going out to dinner and then to the hotel! Oh and grandma is watching the kiddos! So it shall be fun. I just want to go for a good nights rest. ;)
Then on another note i took my temp this morning and it was good. Not getting the hopes up but it was nice. I have no idea when my o is/was and when af will be coming. Just hope for a BFP! I will be upset but not crushed if it does not happen this month. I just want it again SO bad! Well that is about that today! Enjoy!

4 weeks today!

Hello there. I am sitting here at my desk at work just thinking. (bad thing when its me. lol) I am kind of hurting right now. Yesterday for me was a whirlwind day. I had to go to the hospital and do this test. Well when i go in my xray room i notice baby conffetti on the floor. It was a blue balloon and a baby rocking horse. Wondering if that is a sign from the dear lord up above that my angel was definitely a boy. (been asking for a sign) Anywho. Now that you think i am nuts. lol. Later on during the challenging day. I see a preemie come down for his xrays. Beautiful baby. I just wanted to wrap him up and give him a hug. I just miss my baby and the pg feeling. I would have taken a preemie. God i just would have loved my baby no matter what! Then as i am coming home from the hospital i see a double rainbow. I was so awesome! Gave me a little bit of peace. Then after i picked up the girls i went and headed to meet aarons mom. I pulled up to a stoplight and of course it was on red. Right next to baptist. I just had this squeezing feeling on my chest like i could not breathe. Then just wanted to ball my eyes out. As i pull from the stop light i just cry. I WANTED MY BABY!!! I have to drive by this hospital every day and it just takes all that i have to not to have to cry. Today is just so hard.
The dreams also wont stop. Last night i had a dream i was pg with twin boys. I mean can these dreams stop. kwim. I would love a good nights sleep. I would love to go a night without crying or being all depressed. I would love to get pg again. I want to hold a baby up to my chest and love on it. okay well that is enough for me.

Poems for my angel and family!

MY MOMMY IS A SURVIVOR
My Mommy is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away.
I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others, a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom, through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her, and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says, no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

To Mommy, Love Angel:
I once was going to be born and this I couldn't wait,
I knew that everyone was expecting me, I would try not to be late.
But I really wasn't sure what was on the other side,I tried to accept what was happening but I knew I couldn't hide.
I couldn't help but wonder who my parents were to be,I knew for sure that no matter what, they would always love me.
So I thought about it for a while, but I knew I had to leave, I went on to another place, it is so beautiful it's hard to believe.
I had a job to do, but it wasn't here on earth,I am so sorry you had to miss it, the day of my birth.
I wanted so bad to stay and be at home with you,
But I knew that there was something up here that I had to do.
I am now a Guardian Angel and I hope that you are proud,
I watch over you and Daddy, I peek down through the clouds.
I hope you know how much I love you, and how hard it was to goI miss you so much everyday, but I am sure you already know.
So please don't ever forget me, as I will do the same,
You know this wasn't your fault, there is no one to blame.
God needed me to be by his side and to take good care of you,
So there is no need to be sad now and no need to be blue.
If you ever get lonely, just look up at the sky, Like if you had a thought of me or just needed to say hi.
I am so happy with the way things are even though it may not seem,
I talk to you in the night time, I touch you when you dream.
I want to see the same for you, give a smile for me today,
Because I know that we will meet again in some other sort of way.
I will be up here waiting for you, to open the gates real wide
And help you to come home to Heaven, to take a step inside.
I thank you for loving me so much, please believe that this is true,
And there is no one I could ever love more Mommy, as much as I love you.
~Author Unknown~

He Lost A Baby Too ~
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave
– He lost his baby too.
~Author Unknown~

Lonely night tonight!

Hey there. I am sitting here typing away while both girls are sleeping and hb is out playing with his friends at the bar. You may ask why am i not there? Well no 1 no sitter and then no 2 just time to be with the guys. My hb as much as i would like to gripe and belly ache is a wonderful guy. Puts up with alot of my crap.
But i am just having one of those nights. I miss my best friend tara. I could always count on her to make me smile in jr high and high school. She was left brain and i was her right. Vice versa. I miss being able to cry on her shoulder. She would let me talk and talk and would never tell me she is too busy to listen. Just an angel.
Tonight i just feel so lonely. Hb being gone and friends is a touch and go kind of issue. Some just feel uncomfortable around me like they dont know what to say or such. But i am human i can still be talked to and still laugh and love. I dont get this. I dont stray away from then when they need me. But that is what a true friend is for for the thick and the thin. Now i have a couple of friends that are just wonderful but we all have our own busy lives.
One thing is i want to say thanks to ben for just letting me ramble. Wonderful friend. Ladies if you need a man i know where to hook you up at! Then my man d. Now we have been on some rollercoasters together and wow he is still a sweetie! To all my others that are awesome keep doing what you are doing bc it does touch peoples lives.
Sometimes though i just wonder and think about the hs days. When i counted on my friends. I had quite a few of them. When my least worry was what i needed to wear or bring to class. I just miss having all of that socialization. Now it is like my hb, kids, some friends, and my dog. Well thanks for letting me ramble.
Alisha

Anger!!

This post is full of rant to be honest! Life after my m/c is crazy. My first instinict when someone says something to me is to want to hurt them back after they something hurtful. I understand that they dont know what to say but come on! Especially people who have experienced a death period in a family should know what they dont want said to them! Some of the many stupid remarks that i have had to put up with:

• good thing it happened now instead of later
• you have two, three would have been alot!
• are you still pregnant? (after they already know!)
• did you have an abortion?
• cherish the two you have (like i dont!)

So there is just a sneak peek of the ones that i have had to encounter. oh sorry i save the best for last! are you going to ttc again?when? how? (uh we dont have to be rocket scientist to figure that out!) do you think your healthy can handle it?

yeah i am about ready to punch someone. good thing i am seeking out support otherwise i probably would have!

alisha

My first post

Hi there. I am alisha 23 years old. I am a wife of 5yrs to aaron 32 yro. I have three children. Genesis who is 2.5yro, alexus who is 13mths, and an angel named Angel Robert who went to heaven on 9/20/07.
We have many dogs, cats, and any other thing that you can think about. We are very laid back people.
While writing my blog and posting my journey on how i am healing and couping and ttc another baby, i ask a few things... I ask that if you dont like what i say click the x in the upper right hand corner as it is a freedom of speech. Please dont leave comments if you dont have anything nice to say. You are more than welcome to follow my blog and go through the triumphs and tradgedies of my family. We would love to have the support. If you ever need pregnancy loss support just email me through my profile or leave a comment.

Now a little history on what is going on and happening. Genesis is amazing and she is learning things new every day, oh and she has her own little personality. Then Alexus is following right behind her. Kinda funny how they act toward each other. So yeah.
Well when i 17 yro (or about then) i found out i have endometriosis. Scar tissue that grows to cover the uterus and such. So when i met my husband and we decided we wanted children we were told NOW not LATER! So we did. We did every sort of hormone, sex regimen, diet, cross your legs this or that way. We did IT! lol. So after surgery 2-22-04 to get pg, 6weeks later we got pg with Ms. Genesis. Had a very rough time keeping this kid in! She wanted OUT! Then i happily breastfed her for a while then found out i was having a right side kidney issue. So i had to quit. Then we found out the endo had grown back while pg and then while breastfeeding when it is not supposed to happen. Yeah my freaking great! So my doc says Now or Never again. So we have surgery 12-2-05 and get pg 3 weeks later. We had a battle again with preterm labor and then had a healthy baby then too. So my hb and i decide eh i think we are done for 5yrs. I longed to have a 3rd child and wanted a boy but i knew that hb did not. So i was in ultimate pain lately and decided to make a hysterectomy consult. We had decided enough was enough and we were going to do it. The appt was supposed to be on 9-10-07 but on 8-31-07 i found out i was pregnant NATURALLY! My first response was HOLY SHIT! At first i did not understand. Something in my body told me to take a test. I had not had a period at all since giving birth to alexus (9/06). So that is what i did. Many of them too. So yeah. I freaked and my husband freaked. Then we were so excited! We called the doc and i was very cautious this time around i dont know why. I went in and found out i was 5wks and 3days pregnant. So exciting. Then a few more weeks goes by and i am about to go on vacation. I was going to figure out how to tell my inlaws, friends, and family. Well we went in for a normal u/s on 9/19 and that is when my life went to hell and back. I went in thinking okay this is going to be a good u/s. I had a gut feeling in my car that SOMETHING was very WRONG! but i was like just jitters. The u/s tech poked and proded and there was my lil bean. Then she says i need a vaginal u/s. Got me to wondering but okay. Then says she needs doc to come and look at it. So he sits us in the room. (NEVER GOOD) and says your baby has passed away. He just up and left. He had to go do a delivery. HELLO! My heart feels like it has gotten the shit ripped out of it and you walk away. ERH! So after the delivery he comes in and talks to us saying this and that about the baby. Then scheduled my dnc for 9/20. So i went to the hosp at 3pm and had my dnc done about 530pm. Angel Robert went to heaven at 530pm on 9/20. I dont know a day that i dont miss this angel. This little life touched my heart so deeply. I cry about every day and miss him so much.
I have gone to a couple support groups. They have been wonderful especially PRIDE. Just great. My family has been my life line through this all. My husband has been the husband i could just dream of. I have a necklace in rememberance of my son. (i deemed him my son!) I hold it very close to my heart!
Okay well that is my history on that. So now i will post about the road to recovery, dealing with life, ttc, and my grief with everything.
thanks
Alisha